I didn�t ask for this.

All I wanted was to protect my friends�and then all I wanted to do was survive. I never thought that I might set off a chain of events that even I couldn�t control. I never expected to change everything.

But now I have.

And I don�t know what to do with myself. There are so many people watching me, waiting for me to act. Me, the impulsive, foolhardy, and sometimes stupid Sirius Black. The impetuous and unpredictable one. Sometimes they say that I didn�t know what I was getting into. They like to think that I just charged in headfirst, and never stopped to think about the risks I was taking. About what might happen.

But they�re wrong. I did think, and I did know. I knew that I might very well die because I chose to become James� Secret Keeper. I knew that Voldemort would stop at nothing to find them. I knew he needed Harry�oh, James didn�t tell me the prophecy, but I still knew. I�m not a fool, and I�m not blind. I knew that my life might be the price that was required to save theirs�.

And I almost didn�t do it. Personal fear for my life, a bit, but more the fear that I might break and betray them. I knew it was possible. For all the confident front that I�ve spent my life portraying, I know I�m human. I know I�m not infallible. I knew that I could break, die, and betray my friends. But James trusted me, and I did it anyway.

They ask me now, why I didn�t break. And I have to say that I don�t know.

So they look at me with those wide eyes, not believing that I could hold out for so long. Ten years, they say. Ten years of torture and pain and pressure. Ten years of hanging on for friends who had left me for dead and gone on with their lives. Was it worth it? Of course it was.

Though when I say that, they think me unbreakable. It makes them look at me with those hero-worshiping huge eyes and believe that I am infallible.

But I�m not.

I know that.

I just wish that they did.

Someday, and somehow, this is all going to come down to me. Don�t ask me how, but I know that. My choice changed everything, and I made more than one choice.

First, I chose to be James� Secret Keeper, and did so knowing what it might cost me. That started this whole thing. But it was finished the moment that I chose to step around a corner and face the most powerful dark wizard who has ever lived.

No one believes me now, when I say that I thought I�d die. They think I�m being modest.

Bullshit.

Only James, Remus, and Peter understand, and even they sometimes look at me differently. Sometimes, I see it in their eyes�they see that Azkaban changed me, that I grew and I changed. But I�m not so very different, really. And I wish that they didn�t think so sometimes, because I haven�t changed as much as I sometimes think I have. Does that make any sense? No. Of course not.

Yet I made the choice. I know they�ll stand by me up to the bitter end, but somehow I know that moment will be mine. It�s a knowledge that resides in this very deep part of my soul, a dark corner that I�ve come to know well since Casa Serpente and Azkaban. It�s that place that I found shelter in when the pain became too much, the one corner of my heart that has always remained my own. Somehow, I know that at that bitter end, it will just be me.

Alone. In a storm, Remus says, and I know why.

Oh, yes. I know. October 1, 1981. A fifteen year old boy showed up at the door to my flat, holding back tears and seeming unable to believe his eyes. I thought it was James, at first. But then I knew.

And I knew that our choices, our failures, had made fate descend upon Harry. He didn�t even have to tell me, but I knew. And that was the first choice. It was probably the most important choice, because in that moment I made a vow to myself�I would find a way to take the weight of the world off of Harry�s shoulders. I saw the scar on his forehead, and though I didn�t know where it came from, I knew what it had to mean. I knew that he�d been left with all the responsibility when we failed.

Four boys made a pact in 1971. We swore to be brothers, and to never betray one another. We swore to stand together, no matter what, until the end�but looking at Harry, I knew we�d failed. I never asked who did. I didn�t want to know. But in that moment, and never until then, I realized that our boyish oaths had the power to move the world. They had the power to determine fate.

So I made the choice. I took the chance. And by doing so, I placed the fate of our world cleanly into my own hands. Harry won�t ever have to bear that burden; I�d sworn that to myself without considering the costs. I never thought of how it might affect me, beyond the fact that I might die.

But now it�s mine. They can say whatever they want, but I know the truth. I made the choice, and I�ll have to live with the consequences. I don�t know how I�ll manage, or even if I can, but I will.

I never asked for this.

But I will not fail. It�s not a matter of if I can afford to fail or not, not now. I made the choice, and I�ll see it through.

And there is one other thing I know, one thing Harry did tell me. In that other future, in the world that probably would have been, we died one by one, abandoned and alone, brothers no more. So no matter what happens this time around, I shall make sure of one thing: the Marauders will end together. Victorious or in death, we will stand together. This will not end with one of us left alone.