Hi this is a quick little story by Kaoru Nagisa. It's coming at you in the form of a trilogy. The next part should be out REAL soon. Do me a favor and throw out all your inhibitions while reading this. E-mail me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com This story should appeal to Rei fans and non-Rei fans alike. I wanted to do a little bit on her seeing as I'm starting to understand(?) her. I can't say I like her but I definitely respect that she is the MOST popular Eva female. No questions asked. Sorry Asuka fans, its true! Okay now that I have turned most people off from my opinions completely, let me get to the story. Tabris Enterprises presents... _____________________________________________________________________________ Apathetic Drama Queen RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIII RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIII RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRR RRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRR RRRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII RRRR RRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIII RRRR RRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIII Rei Ayanami walked into Misato Katsuragi's apartment. She looked around to see the usual going ons between the three roommates. She looked around quietly as no one even took heed to her entrance. The first person to actually notice her presence was Shinji. Shinji: Oh hi Rei, what are you doing here? Rei: I was told to come and 'hang out' with you and Major Katsuragi and Ms. Soryu. Shinji: Well Asuka and Misato are arguing over who's bra is whose. Asuka swears its hers, but Misato is saying there is no way she could ever fit it. That's kinda like you to, ya know? Rei: Huh? Shinji: Um, I uh mean...I'm sorry Rei. Rei got up off the couch and walked away from Shinji who had just stuck his foot in his mouth. She found 'hanging out' with that household over all quite disturbing and so she began walking home. She happened to see her class representative also walking. Hikari: Hi Rei. Rei:... Hikari: I said hi, Rei. Rei: Hello. Hikari: So what are you doing out here? Coming home from a boyfriend's house, perhaps? Rei: Perhaps. Hikari: So, is it...Shinji? Rei: Pardon me? Hikari: Your boyfriend? Rei: I have a boyfriend? Hikari: You know the extent of your sociopolitical ignorance is truly impressive, Rei. Rei gave Hikari an extremely glazed look and continued walking. Rei's awful day continued to run itself in her mind as she lay on her bed. She remembered when she tried to say something to Touji... {Touji: Gee, Rei you know the way you act sometimes has conceded scribbled all over it.} She also remembered when Major Katsuragi was speaking to her. {Misato: I think we need to talk about things that no one might have ever told you about. You see every month the female body has a few days of 'special time'.} Rei rolled her eyes as she thought of the next person who has said something to her. {Asuka: Um listen hear first, I never told you but do you know how ugly black socks look with white sneakers. You REALLY look awful.} Rei lay on her bed with junk food laid out everywhere. Empty ice cream buckets lay on her stomach. Potato chips spread across her face. Even the commander had yelled at her today. For once Rei began to take the offensive. Which was interesting seeing as to be offended was a feeling and Rei didn't really experience any of those. Rei: I can't stand this...everybody wishes I was someone else... someone better...someone who was more girly, or fashionably correct or bigger-breasted. It's like every day is 'Let's Crap on Rei Day' Every week is 'National Disrespect Rei Week'...my life is a nightmare...a nightmare...a nightmare... And with that Rei Ayanami drifted into her favorite place to be... her dreams. She was at a fast food joint. She was the 'sanitation specialist' and for Rei this was a very exciting dream. She happily lifted the garbage and hefted it into the burnable trash incinerator. She leaned against the trash can and looked over at a place where lights were streaming from. It was a club called 'The Kewl Spot'. She looked closer to see a guy walking in. He was wearing a tuxedo and carrying a cane. He was being escorted into the club and yelled at by the many women trying to get in with him. He was Prince Shinji of Ikari. Rei looked on as the prince walked in and she hung her head when suddenly a voice that sounded exactly like her own called out. Voice: Yo, yo, yo CindeREIlla! Rei looked up and saw who the voice was coming from. Pen-Pen: You better not CRY, you better not pout...'cause your Fairy Hot Spring Penguin is here to help you out. Rei:... Rei looked at the floating penguin with a confused look. Pen-Pen: So what, you were expecting some 'bippity boppity boo' crap? Well TOO damn bad. Just don't get cute and expect me to drink a beer or something. Rei: This can't be happening. Pen-Pen: Of course it can, you've been selected to become a short-skirt, wand-wielding magical-heroine! or s.s.w.w.m.h., as a REALLY pathetic acronym. Here's your wand! Pen-Pen flung an empty Yebisu can with a heart at the top and a pink bow tied around the stick stuck in the can at the bottom of it. Rei: This is a can... Pen-Pen: Yeah, but it's a magical can with your magical powers to be embedded in it. So anyway, you just hold that uh, wand up and say... *whisper whisper*...and presto change-o! You'll be a genuine magical heroine. Rei: That magic phrase is quite stupid. Pen-Pen: Gee, I'm sorry if this enchanted scenario is not living up to your demanding standards, sanitation specialist Ayanami. Rei: Oh, all right... Pen-Pen(under his breath): Annoyingly picky, yet highly apathetic. What a Cinderella for your generation. Rei: Do I really HAVE to say... Pen-Pen: Hey, I don't make up the rules, just say the phrase before the plot congeals anymore, kay? Rei: FRIGHTENING BIG RED EYES AND SICKLY PALE SKIN! SHORT FAN SERVICE SKIRTS AND LONG MASTUBATORY AIDED LEGS! Rei clothes tore off of her body violently and suddenly she was wearing a little tiara and a shorter version of her school uniform with out the bands that cover the shirt. She also had on a pair of Dock Martin boots and a leather jacket. Rei looked at herself. Rei: You know, I don't look all that different. Pen-Pen: There, now you are a genuine magical heroine and you can fight for truth, justice, and the Valley Girl way. Then there's also love, friendship and stuff like that there...but most of those are already in use by certain JAPANESE girls with long BLONDE hair...is there a problem here? Of course you must be ready at all times to POSE up a storm...so go ahead and strike a pose. Suddenly Madonna's 'Vogue' began to waft through the air as Rei took her poses. All of which Gainax would not draw of their most popular female character. Ah, well visit an image gallery of fanart if you wanna see the poses, the author AIN'T describing them. NAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Rei: So what purpose does all this posing serve? Pen-Pen: None whatsoever! but it looks bitchen'! Alright now we can go do some hero stuff, like fighting evil, stopping the world from blowing up, whatev! Rei: I know where we should go... Pen-Pen: Eh? Suddenly Rei was walking into The Kewl Spot as people around her shouted. "Ooh! Ah!" "Mon Dieu! Zut Alors!" "She's a Goddess! A Goddess!" "Ay Caramba" "Sacre Bleu" "I Swoon in her presence! Oooohhhh..." "She makes that miniskirt talk!" "Ach du lieber!" "Envy burns me like fire!" Pen-Pen: You better recognize...! Pen-Pen was now in SD form and perched on Rei's left shoulder. Prince Shinji of Ikari looked up at her and dropped the woman he was dancing with to the floor. Shinji ran over and kissed Rei's hand. She dropped her um, wand onto Pen-Pen and he fell to the ground as the two began to dance. Rei's blue nail polished hand that marched her hair AND dress was wrapped around Shinji's um, manly hand. Suddenly a whirlwind began to encircle the people in the club and people were swerving around in the air. Voice: Well if it isn't the great white princess! It was Hikari standing there in a beautifully tailored superhero costume with a western style jacket on. Touji was there in a pair of torn at the knee jeans and a black t-shirt that said 'whipped boyfriend' on it. Hikari: It is I the Sweet and Innocent P.C. Queen, here to ruin your little insensitive soiree! Touji: That's P.C. as in politically correct not personal computer. Hikari: Shut-Up Touji! Touji: Yes ma'am. Hikari: While speciesism, racism, sexism, ageism, lookism and other horrible isms create unsightly stains on our social fabric, while homophobia, gynophobia, transgenderphobia and triskaidekaphobia run rampant did you sociopolitically disengaged 'partygoers' hear the cries of the oppressed? Or the cries of repressed, the depressed or the easily impressed? Did you, figuratively speaking, hear the wolf howl to the blue corn moon? Pen-Pen: HEY! No Disney references, you wanna get Tabris Enterprises sued? Kindly ignore my earlier 'bippity boppity boo' ref, please. Rei: You'll be in big trouble when the good Queen of Jolly finds out about your EVIL P.C. escapades. Hikari: That would be true IF...she wasn't caught up in the most testosterone-reeking of spectacles...football season. Far Away (not really): Misato Katsuragi or The Queen of Jolly is sitting in front of her television screen with a beer hat on with two straws in her mouth and a pair of boxers and a tank top on. Misato: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Back to the Other Place (The Kewl Spot): Hikari: Hey, waita minute, I'm supposed to be the so called 'bad guy' of Ayanami's dream, how offensive, what did I ever do to her? Touji: The P.C. term for 'bad guy' would be 'person of antagonism', honey. Hikari: Shut-up! Touji: Okay. Touji and Hikari flew into the air. Hikari raised her hand and blasted Shinji. Rei looked down at the boy as the smoke cleared. Rei: Prince Shinji? When Shinji stood up his voice was higher than usual. His hair was now red instead of brown and he had breasts. HE had become a SHE! Rei was horrified. Rei: Har dee frickin' har, this is SO not funny. Change him back NOW or, or- Hikari: Well, i just might do that...but first my little Japanese epitome who for some strange reason appeals to the entire world consumerist cog in the machine, mall bunny...you must get through the deadly gauntlet of THE MALL OF DOOM! Touji: Bye now! The two then flew off. Shinji: Mall of doom? Oh, as if! Rei knocked Shinji's head. Rei: Don't talk like that, you're a boy! Shinji: These say otherwise... Shinji opened her white dress shirt revealing the breasts straining against her shirt. Rei: Say Pen squared, where is this mall of doom? I've lived here practically all my life and I never saw it. Pen-Pen raised a fin and pointed forward. Rei turned her head to look and saw the giant spectacle of lights and store names. Rei: Oh, that mall of doom. Shinji: I'm scared. Shinji glomped onto Rei's arm. Rei: Eww, get offa me. I am not gay, no matter WHAT those Evangelion lemon writers say about me. Pen-Pen: Um, now isn't really the time... Rei: Oh yes it is. And HELLO, I can too kum! You damn lemon authors NEVER wanna give me a NORMAL sex scene. I AM a normal girl. There are SOME exceptions but most of them... Shinji raises an eyebrow. Rei: What can't a girl have a lot of twin sisters? Shinji: Not when they're kept in an LCL tank. Rei: Where was I? Oh, yeah and what makes you authors think I would WANT to have sex with Soryu? She is like SO not my type. And why does SHE always get Shinji. Don't you guys know how much I beat up Anno for putting her with him at the End of Evangelion. He fucks me all passively in it but he sure was riding her in Evangelion X. And what gave that guy the right to make such a disgusting video? I mean... Pen-Pen: Um Rei? Rei: WHAT? Pen-Pen: Who are you talking to? Rei began to laugh nervously as she grabbed Shinji's delicate hand and walked into the mall. Rei: This isn't so bad. I see plenty of mall but not much doom. Rei continued walking until she reached a VERY pink store. Rei: Oh, now this is scary. A WHOLE store full of those Barby dolls...is that frightening or what? Shinji: Oh, I LOVE Barby! Look Beach Blanket Bimbo Barby is only $34.99 What a deal! I used to have alota Barby's when I was younger. Rei: YOU'RE A BOY! Shinji: Hey, in a family where the mother is MIA and the father lets me run away from him, where do you think I found out about set gender roles? Rei: So maybe THAT'S why you get so touchy-feely with Kaoru in episode 24. You didn't care what you were having sex with. And all this time everyone has been blaming Kaoru for the impure thoughts. When it was Shinji all along. The girls and the penguin entered the store and Rei has turned back to say something to Shinji when she crashed into a big box. She read the box aloud. Rei: Life-Size Aryan Perfection Barby for $999,999.99 on sale! Suddenly the Barby broke through the plastic and addressed Rei. The Barby doll looked familiar despite its clear pink outfit with the hot pink bows around her arms, neck and ankles. She also had on white high heels and long red hair. Barby Doll: Greetings unimpressive little princess! It is I the Asuka-Barby Soryu doll. The unnaturally proportioned for a 14 year old girl doll made of living flesh. Rei: Guess here you realize you're just a doll... Asuka: I am HERE to reinforce you ENTIRELY valid feelings of physical and intellectual inferiority! To be pitilessly shallow here, shall we compare my imposing voluptuous chest with your own, er, underwhelming endowment? And let's not even talk about the almost laughable superiority of my parseclong legs or my callipygian derriere! Not that I would expect you to know what 'callipygian' means. Shinji: Also don't forget that she's like about a ZILLION times smarter than you. Asuka: In short, and I hope you excuse my use of this wretched and appallingly overused phrase- Asuka pulled out a mechanical looking axe and prepared to cut Rei in half. She then slammed it down. Rei narrowly escaped. Asuka: -I'M DA BOMB- Asuka through a kick which Rei ducked under. Asuka: -and YOU'RE HIROSHIMA! Or if you prefer Nagasaki! Or for a possibly more fictional metaphoric basis you can be Nerv HQ during the End of Eva movies and I can be the JSSDF. Rei began running away as Asuka followed trying to slice her in half. Rei slid under a table where Shinji was also hiding. Shinji: I don't know, oh yeah that girl who looks like a Barby doll is about to decapitate you. Asuka: FIRST! I SHALL HACK OFF YOUR HEAD RENDERING YOU EVEN MORE INFERIOR TO MY GLORIOUS SELF! Shinji: I am so outta here...! To Be Continued! _____________________________________________________________________________ How did you guys like that? I hope you thought it was good. I had fun writing it. The will be 2 more parts. This is just a little something for everybody (I hope) Oh an if you choose to e-mail me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com don't flame me about how I made fun of controversial topics. I did make fun of them and I know that if you threw away you inhibitions like I said at the beginning you laughed at it. See ya soon!