BUBBLEGUM DOGS by Andy 'Payndz' McDermott INT. 'PISS' COFFEE HOUSE - DAY Four young women and a teenage boy dressed in HARDSUITS are sitting at a table, drinking coffee. They are MS BLUE, MS GREY, MS GREEN, MS PINK and MR OFF-YELLOW. Ms Blue is in the middle of a story about one of her songs. MS BLUE: Lemme tell you what 'Konya Wa Hurricane' is all about. It's all about this chick who digs big bikes. I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, bikes bikes bikes bikes bikes. MS GREEN: How many bikes is that? MR OFF-YELLOW: A lot. MS GREY: And I seem to have to pay for them all. MS BLUE: Ahem. Anyway, one day she gets this Typhoon 2 motherfucker and it's like, woah baby. I mean, this bike is huge. She's getting some *serious* bike action- MS PINK: What's a motherfucker? There is a long and uncomfortable silence. MS PINK: Is it something to do with snugglebunnies? Everyone else bursts out laughing. Ms Pink looks annoyed and develops a repetitive two-frame facial tic. A BOOMER WAITRESS approaches. BOOMER WAITRESS: Would anyone like a refill- GZZAARK! The waitress explodes, showering everyone with coffee beans. Ms Blue lowers her smoking railgun. MS BLUE: Oops. Sorry. Force of habit. MS GREY: Let's go to work. EXT. ALLEY - DAY To the tune of 'Slightly Irate Machine', the group walks down the alley in slow motion. Mr Off-Yellow can be seen tilting his head >from side to side, trying to get a better look at the girls' asses. Ms Pink trips over her own feet with a squeak. INT. A SPEEDING MERCEDES 300SL GULLWING - NIGHT Ms Pink is writhing around on the back seat in agony. Ms Grey is at the wheel, blasting the car through the oddly empty streets at well over 100. MS PINK: Aaaagh! Ooooh! Ow god, it hurts! I'm gonna die! MS GREY: I *told* you not to have so much coffee! You *know* these suits don't unbutton! INT. RAVEN'S GARAGE - NIGHT Ms Grey, dragging a cross-legged Ms Pink by one arm, enters the garage. Ms Blue has tied a COP to a chair, and is torturing him. MS BLUE: ...and then there was that time I got a free lunch off you while pumping you for information, then I ran off and left you with a 12,000 yen bill and a boner the size of the Space Needle! COP: Aaaaargh! You crazy bitch! You cut off my overdraft! MS GREY: Where's Ms Green? MS BLUE: Who? MS GREY: You know, Ms Green. MS PINK: Don't know her. Where's the toilet? MS GREY: Look, you must remember her. Liked money. MS BLUE: Ummm... any other memorable character traits? MS GREY: Really liked money. MS PINK: Er... MS GREY: Really, *really* likes money. MS BLUE: Oh, her! I think she stopped at a cash machine. The door flies open and Ms Green enters, accompanied by a sinister yuppie in a black shellsuit. MS GREEN: Hi! Have you met my new boyfriend? MS GREY: Nasty Guy Brian! Ms Grey points her guns at Brian. Ms Green points her guns at Ms Grey. Ms Blue points her guns at everybody. Ms Pink looks confused, then points her guns at herself. MS GREEN: What the fuck are you doing? MS GREY: This fucking fuck killed my father! MS BLUE: Fucking fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuckitty-fuck! MS PINK: Look, I really need to go to the toilet! (Squeak!) A short-circuit caused by a leak from Ms Pink's hardsuit accidentally fires her laser, triggering a mass exchange of heavy weapons fire. The garage explodes. When the smoke clears, everyone is still standing where they were, totally unharmed - apart from Ms Pink, who is lying in a pool of wee. MS BLUE: Hey, good armour. Nasty Guy Brian peels off his face, to reveal that he is actually evil criminal superboomer QUENTIN LARGANTINO. He whips out a remote control and starts to target everyone with an orbital laser satellite. LARGANTINO: Hah! Okay! Once you're out of the way, I'll control the world! No movie, no TV show, no video on the entire planet will be safe from my 1970s pop culture references, lengthy monologues and extreme but blackly comic violence! Okay! Suddenly, Mr Off-Yellow appears in a previously unseen VTOL aircraft. Largantino is distracted by the incredibly tiny buttons on the remote, and as the driving rock of 'I Think We're Alone Now' plays, Mr Off-Yellow dishes out a set of super-powerful motoroids equipped with mass drivers, gamma-ray lasers and photon torpedoes. MS BLUE: LET'S DO IT! Ms Grey and Ms Green hurriedly check the 'Bubblegum Crisis Drinking Game', discover that Ms Blue's line incurs a penalty, and down a shot of 'Old Genom Genuine Scot Whiskee' each before all four women fire their new superweapons into the sky. EXT. SPACE Three beams hit Largantino's laser satellite, which explodes. A fourth, fired by Guess Who, nukes the nearby 'Hardcore XXXX Channel' satellite. INT. REMAINS OF GARAGE - NIGHT A laser beam dances unsteadily through the wreckage, somehow managing to miss everybody except Largantino, who is sent flying as his skin flames away. He lands in a nearby oil refinery which explodes, the blast making a passing jet laden with TNT drop from the sky and crash on him. The impact causes an earthquake, opening up a mile-wide fissure which swallows up Largantino as boiling lava froths around him. A tidal wave washes over everything, and the fissure then slams shut with a decisive bang. MS PINK: Do you think he's dead? Ms Grey adopts an enigmatic pose. MS GREY: Frail humans need no longer fear... Brian J Mason. The others look at her. MS GREEN: Eh? MS BLUE: Excuse me? What are you gibbering about? MS GREY: Um, sorry. Article 12 - 'Mysterious pronouncements shall be made at the end of every battle.' MS PINK: Waaaah! I'm all wet! MS BLUE: There's a change. MR OFF-YELLOW: Hey! My TV's broken! MS GREY: What channel are you watching? MR OFF-YELLOW: Um, ah, er, it's working again. Oh look, the Discovery Channel. Heh. INT. 'PISS' COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT The scene as before. MS BLUE: Lemme tell you what 'Bye Bye My Crisis' is all about. It's all about... er... what the hell *is* it about? MS PINK: I like that song. It's happy. MS GREEN: Is there any chance I might actually get a decent line in this episode? MS GREY: Sorry. Article 13 - 'Ms Green will contribute nothing to a show except a bit of slicing things up with her monomol ribbons'. MR OFF-YELLOW: But she hasn't even done that yet. Another BOOMER WAITRESS comes over, holding a jug piled high with coffee beans. BOOMER WAITRESS: Can I get anyone a refill? Everyone turns and winks into the camera, giving a big ol' cheesy thumbs-up to us as Ms Green stands up to face the boomer. EVERYONE: Yay! THE END