["Lights" by Journey begins to play as the screen shows several scenic shots of the San Francisco area. after about a minute the music suddenly cuts to "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf (who I just saw perform on Thursday night if any of you care) plays and the screen starts to show clips from previous Slaughterhouses. The screen then dissolves to an aerial shot of The Golden Gate Bridge with the wrestling ring set in the middle. Screen then fades to a shot of Vance McMihn, Johnny "The Muscle" Ventures and Raider sitting at a desk on top of a RV.] VM: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to SWF Slaughterhouse! We are broadcasting live from the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco with me as always is Johnny "The Muscle" Ventures and as special guest commentator, a man from the other side of the bay, former IWAWWW Cruiserweight Champ, former HOWF wrestler, back-up tight end for the Oakland Raiders, and a man that has helped Johnny and I get many broadcasting jobs, I'm talking about none other than Chris Johanson, better known as Raider. Raider, glad you could make it. R: It's great to be here. VM: And we got a great line-up for you all tonight. We'll see the debut of Zamron The Martian. We'll also see newcomer Lethal take on Virgo. JV: The Virgin. VM: Also in a non-title match, we'll see SWF World Champ Doug Bacon take on Ronnie "Rols Royce" Martin. R: Why is there only one 'l' in Rolls? VM: I have no idea. And in our main event, we'll see Phoenix take on Bones Douglas's guy Damien Grundy. R: Sounds like a good line-up. VM: I'm sure you'll like this Raider. Let's go to our special guest Ring announcer, Former coach of the Oakland Raiders, Fox NFL broadcaster, ACE Hardware spokesperson, and the man with several video games with his name on them, please welcome, John Madden!!! [The crowd goes wild as John Madden steps out of the Madden Cruiser which is parked on the side of the Golden Gate Bridge and walks towards the ring.] JM: Hi everyone. how are you doing? You know I like wrestling. Wrestling is a fun sport. Plus all these former football players go into wrestling. You've got people like Chris Johanson and Steve McMichael, do you know what they call McMichael? They call him Mongo. How's that for a nickname. Plus you even got current football players like Kevin Greene and Reggie White making appearances. I mean this is a great sport.. How can... JV: Sheesh. I used to think he only talked a lot because Pat Summerall never said anything. R: Well Summerall isn't here. JV: We're gonna be here all night listening to this guy. JM: ....received the very first Madden turkey leg award... [Referee Mark Matarese goes over to John Madden and tries to get him to hurry things up.] JM: Oh the match. I forgot about that. Well this first match is a four corners Steel Cage match. So that's why there are bars around the ring. I was wondering about that. Anyways, introducing first, from somewhere in time, you know I think we need to find out where in time, weighing in at 250 pounds, here is Time Warp!! ["Back In Time" by Huey Lewis blares through the PA system as he runs down to the aisle. The crowd cheers him on.] JM: And his opponent, being led to the ring by Tolok The Thinker, from Mars, the Red Planet, well how about that? mars. I've been in Mars Pennsylvania, but I've never been to the planet. actually i don't think anyone has. But we got this guy who thinks he's from Mars. You know that just goes to show you that anything goes in wrestling. If he as just some average joe, he would be in some mental hospital, but in wrestling, this type of stuff is considered normal. Go figure. Anyways, weighing in at 265 pounds, here is Zamron the Martian!! JV: That has to be longest intro I've ever heard. [The Soviet national Anthem plays as Tolok and Zamron come down to the ring. Zamron wears a green bodysuit and has his face done up in green makeup. While walking down to the ring, he also wears a pair of sunglasses, along with a set of those springy toy antennae. Tolok is similarly attired to Zamron, however he is much shorter and spindlier. His makeup also includes an oversized brain. The crowd is just too stunned to react.] R: The Soviet Anthem? Is that Nikolai Volkoff making a comeback? VM: No. Apparently Zamron and Tolok thought that the Soviet Unions use of the color red was meant to show support for their planet. R: You're kidding right. JV: This is insane. In the ring right now, we got one guy who thinks he's a time traveler, and the other thinks he's E.T. [They lock up. Time Warp executes a knee to the back. Time Warp rakes Zamron The Martian's face across the cage. Zamron The Martian is busted wide open.] VM: Time Warp isn't wasting any time. R: Hey look! Martian Blood looks just like Human blood. JV: I can't believe I have to commentate this match. [Time Warp executes an octopus hold. Zamron The Martian reaches the ropes after being trapped for 6 seconds. Time Warp attempts to place Zamron The Martian on the turnbuckle, but Zamron The Martian blocks it. Time Warp goes for a Frankensteiner, but Zamron The Martian counters it with a power bomb.] VM: Huge power bomb!! JV: I mean do either of these wrestlers expect us to believe their gimmicks? [Zamron The Martian whips him with the Bullrope. Zamron The Martian tries to hit turnbuckle number one, but Time Warp takes him down.] VM: Time Warp yanks on the strap to pull Zamron away from the turnbuckle. [Time Warp nails him with an Asai moonsault. Time Warp chokes him with the Bullrope.] VM: Time Warp has the strap around Zamrons neck and is dragging him around as he goes for the turnbuckles. R: Time Warp going for the quick win. [Time Warp hits turnbuckle number one. Time Warp hits turnbuckle number two. Time Warp hits turnbuckle number three.] VM: Time Warp is just one turnbuckle away from winning!! R: Zamron is really squirming. He's trying...HE is loose! [Time Warp nails him with a knee to the back. Time Warp chokes him with the Bullrope.] VM: So close for Time Warp there. JV: Hello? Time Warp is a jobber. he's not supposed to win. He could've still made it to the turnbuckle. VM: You forget, Booker Frenck has said that the resident Slaughterhouse wrestlers are not guaranteed wins. They are not told to lose like on some other wrestling shows. There is always a slight chance that they'll win. [Time Warp scrapes Zamron The Martian's face across the cage. Time Warp nails him with a dropkick to the knee. Time Warp takes him down with an enzuigiri. Time Warp grinds Zamron The Martian's face across the cage.] R: I haven't been too impressed by Marvin The Martian so far. [Time Warp nails him with an enzuigiri. Time Warp yells "You're running out of time!" to his opponent.] R: I think this Time Warp guy is a few eggs short of a dozen. JV: You think? What clued you in? the fact that his wrestling attire consists of Aviator goggles, cowboy boots, and gloves made out of aluminum foil or the fact that he thinks he's from a different century? R: Actually it was the fact that he said Zamron was running out of time in the no time limit match. [Time Warp goes for a Boston crab, but Zamron The Martian blocks it. Zamron The Martian grinds Time Warp's face across the cage. Time Warp is busted wide open.] VM: and now Time Warp is busted open. R: Hey look! Time traveler blood looks ju... JV: SHUT UP! [Zamron The Martian is bleeding like a faucet. Zamron The Martian takes him down with a legsweep. Zamron The Martian hits him with the Bullrope.] VM: And Zamron has suddenly come to life. R: Well of course. He thinks he's running out of time. [Johnny Ventures starts pounding his head against the desk. Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number one. Zamron The Martian scrapes Time Warp's face across the cage. Zamron The Martian nails him with spinning headscissors. Time Warp bumps into Mark Matarese.] VM: And the spinning headscissors sends Time Warp crashing into the Reverend Mark Matarese. R: He's a Reverend? JV: Be quiet guys. We don't want madden to hear that. He'll spend another 10 minutes talking about that. [Zamron The Martian hits him with the Bullrope. Zamron The Martian nails him with a flying spinning leg lariat. Zamron The Martian hits him with the Bullrope. Zamron The Martian grinds Time Warp's face across the cage. Zamron The Martian takes him down with a snap suplex.] VM: Zamron looking very impressive all of the sudden. JV: He's facing a jobber. VM: They're not jobbers! [Zamron The Martian catches him in a flying legdrop. Zamron The Martian takes him down with a thrust kick to the head. Zamron The Martian chokes him with the Bullrope.] VM: And now Zamron has that bullrope wrapped around Time Warp's neck and is going for the turnbuckles. [Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number one. Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number two.] R: Hey, uh, the Ref is still down. VM: You're right! [Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number three. Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number four. Mark Matarese didn't see it. Zamron drops Time Warp and raises his hands in victory.] VM: Zamron thinks the match is over but Referee Matarese is still down! JV: And the other loony toon is getting back on his feet. [Tolok The Thinker is trying to warn Zamron The Martian. Time Warp takes him down with the Doctor Bomb. Time Warp executes a fistdrop. Mark Matarese is back on the job.] VM: And Matarese is back on the job totally unaware of the fact that Zamron had tagged all four corners. [Zamron The Martian goes for a kneelift, but Time Warp counters it with a side step. Time Warp yells "You're running out of time!" to his opponent. Time Warp nails him with an elbowdrop. Time Warp tries to hit turnbuckle number one, but Zamron The Martian is there before him.] VM: Time Warp didn't wrap up Zamron in with the bullrope, thus giving Zamron a chance to tag the turnbuckle before him. [Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number two. Zamron The Martian hits turnbuckle number three.] VM: Both men heading towards the final turnbuckle! [Zamron The Martian tries to hit turnbuckle number four, but Time Warp is in the way. Zamron The Martian executes a hiptoss.] VM: And Zamron merely hiptosses Time Warp out of the way. JV: Yeah but that was enough to make Zamron have to tag all four turnbuckle again. [Zamron The Martian tries to hit turnbuckle number one, but Time Warp takes him down. Time Warp grinds Zamron The Martian's face across the cage. Time Warp nails him with a reverse flying elbowdrop. Time Warp yells "You're running out of time!" to his opponent.] R: So if Time Warp is a time traveler, then he should already know the outcome of this match, right? JV: You don't really believe he's a Time Traveler do you? R: Well if Carmen Sandiego can do it, why can't he? [Johnny Ventures starts pounding his head against the desk. Time Warp whips him with the Bullrope. Time Warp nails him with a jumping neck snap. Time Warp tries to hit turnbuckle number one, but Zamron The Martian is in the way.] R: Mental note: Be in front of your opponent when trying to tag the corners. [Time Warp takes him down with a knee to the back. Time Warp grinds Zamron The Martian's face across the cage. Time Warp nails him with a Frankensteiner. Time Warp nails him with an elbowdrop.] VM: And Time Warp is back in control. [Time Warp is bleeding profusely. Time Warp executes a short clothesline. Time Warp whips him with the Bullrope. Time Warp attempts to place Zamron The Martian on the turnbuckle, but Zamron The Martian blocks it. Time Warp goes for a dropkick to the knee, but Zamron The Martian counters it with a side step.] R: BTW, did either of you see "Mars Attacks"? Really funny movie. [Zamron The Martian goes for neck-scissors, but Time Warp counters it with a duck-down move. Time Warp takes him down with an enzuigiri. Time Warp takes him down with a short clothesline. Time Warp whips him with the Bullrope. Time Warp takes him down with a jumping neck snap. Time Warp tries to hit turnbuckle number one, but Zamron The Martian is there before him.] VM: And again Time Warp makes the mistake of going for the turnbuckle while his opponent is in front of him. [Zamron The Martian tries to hit turnbuckle number two, but Time Warp is there before him. Time Warp hits turnbuckle number two.] VM: And now time warp is trying to outrun Zamron. [Time Warp hits turnbuckle number three.] VM: He's almost there!!!! JV: No way! [Time Warp hits turnbuckle number four.] JV: !!!! VM: AMAZING!!! Time Warp has won the match!!! Something no one ever thought possible! R: yeah but you gotta remember that Zamron did tag all four while Matarese was out cold. JM: The winner, due to the fact that there is no instant replay in wrestling, is Time Warp, in a time of 5:18. VM: A huge upset! [Tolok and Zamron are arguing with Referee Mark Matarese as the roadies tear down the cage.] JV: Unfortunately they can argue all they want, but Mark isn't going to change his mind. VM: Well let's go to John Madden for the next set of introductions. JV: This should only take 2 hours. JV: Hey all right. Now this match is a ladder match where a wrestler has to climb up the ladder and grab the key to San Francisco. They used to give the keys to cities to people that did something extraordinary, but now they just let guys fight it out to see who gets the key. Introducing first, being led to the ring by his manager, Deadly, now there's an interesting name, from Detroit, Michigan, here is a man with a similarly interesting name, Lethal!! [Police sirens blare as Lethal and Deadly make their way to the ring. 5 members of the audience here the sirens and take off. the rest of the crowd gives a mixed reaction.] JM: And his opponent, from Kinston, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 275 pounds, here is Virgo!! JV: My god! A short introduction!! ["Thunderstruck" by AC/DC as Virgo comes down to the ring slapping hands with the fans. the fans cheer him on.] VM: The ladder has been placed in the middle of the ring. the key is being suspended in mid air by a wire which is tied all the way to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, and the bell has rung. [They lock up. Virgo goes for a hiptoss, but Lethal blocks it. Lethal goes for a spinning power bomb, but Virgo counters it with spinning headscissors. Virgo executes an enzuigiri.] R: I really think Virgo should've chosen another name. he does realize that Virgo is a female virgin right? JV: Everyone has been making jokes about his name. [Virgo nails him with a DDT. Virgo gives the sign for the Face Plant. Virgo goes for the Face Plant, but Lethal counters it with a DDT.] VM: Virgo tried to hit his finisher but Lethal successfully countered it. R: We're not even 30 seconds into the match. [Virgo nails him with a back suplex. Virgo whips Lethal into the ropes. Virgo goes for a Frankensteiner, but Lethal counters it with a power bomb.] VM: Huge counter there by Lethal. JV: So far all of his moves have been counters. [Lethal goes for a clawhold, but Virgo blocks it. Virgo nails him with a hiptoss. Virgo runs into the ropes. Deadly pulls down the top rope.] JV: ahh, the things you can do in a no-dq match. [Lethal goes through the ropes. Lethal whips Virgo into the guardrail. Virgo is busted wide open.] JV: So Raider, did you know that 90% of our matches result in someone bleeding? R: I did not know that. That is weird, wild, wacky stuff. VM: You are correct sir. JV: And you say my jokes are bad, Vance. [Lethal takes him down with a flying clothesline. Lethal throws Virgo back into the ring. Virgo throws Lethal out of the ring.] VM: And Virgo wasn't ready for the match to go back in the ring yet. [Virgo jumps onto him with a Shooting Star.] R: [singing] Don't you know that you're a shooting star.... JV & VM: Huh? R: It's a Bad Company song. [Virgo sets up Lethal on the car hood. Virgo tries to drive Lethal through the car hood with a power bomb, but he blocks it. They're brawling on the bridge. Lethal knocks Virgo into the ringsteps. Lethal sets up Virgo on the car hood. Lethal executes a Tombstone through the car hood. The car hood didn't break.] VM: And surprisingly the car hood didn't even get a dent. [Lethal grabs a traffic cone. Lethal hits him with the traffic cone.] R: He should really put that traffic cone back.. Now some car may come speeding down the bridge. [They're brawling on the bridge. Virgo goes for a backbreaker, but Lethal blocks it. Deadly comes from behind and distracts Virgo. Lethal whips Virgo into the guardrail.] VM: Lethal taking advantage of the distracted Virgo and knocks him into the guardrail. [Lethal reenters the ring. Virgo follows him back in. Virgo whips Lethal into the ropes. Lethal hits Virgo with a kick. Lethal attempts to place Virgo on the turnbuckle, but Virgo blocks it. Lethal throws Virgo out of the ring.] R: Do these guys realize the ladder is inside the ring? [Lethal goes through the ropes. Lethal sets up Virgo on the car hood. Lethal executes a Tombstone through the car hood. The car hood is dented in.] R: Hope they got good insurance. VM: Actually this will probably come out of SWF's pocket. They're still paying for the damage down to the Mall of America. [Lethal executes a spinning power bomb. Lethal executes a low blow. Lethal reenters the ring. Virgo follows him back in.] JV: I wonder how long they'll stay in this time. [Lethal goes for a Tombstone, but Virgo blocks it. Virgo tries to climb the ladder.] VM: Virgo tries to climb the ladder while Lethal is still on his feet next to them. R: I think we all know what is going to happen. [Virgo is on his way up. Lethal knocks him off the ladder. Virgo is bleeding like a faucet.] JV: and that fall worsened the cut too. [Lethal whips Virgo into the ropes. Virgo misses with a clothesline. Virgo takes him down with a bodyslam. Virgo goes for a back suplex, but Lethal blocks it. Lethal whips Virgo into the turnbuckle, but Virgo reverses it. Virgo runs shoulder-first into the corner.] R: That'll know the wind outta ya. [Virgo nails him with a springboard lariat. Lethal executes a choke against the ropes. Scott Thomas counts: One, two, three, four.] R: So if this is a no-dq match, why was the ref counting? JV: Because they're stupid. [Lethal nails him with a flying clothesline. Lethal executes the Poison Ivy. Virgo reaches the ropes after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: Virgo was able to quickly escape the figure four leglock mandible claw finisher of Lethal's. [Virgo executes a back suplex. Lethal takes him down with a kneebreaker. Lethal executes the Poison Ivy. Virgo manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: And another quick escape. R: Must not be a very effective finisher. JV: If this were a regular match, he probably would've submitted instantly. [Virgo whips Lethal into the ropes, but Lethal reverses it. Virgo bumps into Scott Thomas.] VM: And now Scott Thomas gets knocked down. [Lethal catches him in a belly-to-belly suplex. Virgo takes him down with an enzuigiri to the face. Virgo throws Lethal out of the ring. Virgo goes through the ropes.] VM: and back outside they go. [Virgo goes for an armbar submission, but Lethal blocks it. They're brawling on the bridge. Lethal knocks Virgo into the ringsteps. Lethal knocks some fans sitting on a car hood off.] R: That's not very nice. [Lethal goes for a flying cross body press, but Virgo counters it with a rollover. Virgo catches him in a power bomb. Virgo sets up Lethal on the car hood. Virgo executes a DDT through the car hood. The front of the car collapses.] R: Must've had a pretty week suspension. [Virgo executes a backbreaker. Virgo whips Lethal into a taxi cab. Virgo nails him with an armbar submission. Virgo throws Lethal back into the ring. Virgo rips the hood off the destroyed car and brings it into the ring. Scott Thomas is back on the job.] VM: Scott Thomas is now staring at his car wondering why the front end has collapsed. [Lethal tries to climb the ladder. Lethal is on his way up. Lethal is half-way up.] JV: And while Virgo apologizes to Scott about destroying his car, Lethal is going for the key. [Lethal is almost on top of the ladder. Lethal is in grabbing distance. Lethal dives for the Key to San Francisco, but he misses.] VM: Lethal dove for the oversized key as Virgo was racing towards the ladder. [Virgo places Lethal on the car hood. Virgo tries to face plant Lethal on the car hood, but he moves out of the way. Virgo hits the car hood.] VM: Virgo hit that hood hard. R: Yeah but at least he got the dent out that he put in it earlier. [Lethal executes a flying cross body press on the car hood.] VM: And as soon as Virgo stood up, Lethal was there and drove him back onto the car hood and Virgo is out cold. JV: I guess he really is seeing stars!! R: You're right Vance, his jokes are bad. [Lethal tries to climb the ladder. Lethal is on his way up. Lethal is half-way up.] VM: Lethal is on his way up and should have no problem as Virgo is still out cold. [Lethal is almost on top of the ladder. Lethal is in grabbing distance. Lethal has retrieved the Key to San Francisco.] VM: Lethal grabs the key and wins the match. JM: The winner is Lethal, in a time of match: 7:18. VM: Well the Paramedics are carrying Virgo out on stretcher as Scott Thomas is trying to get his insurance information. Hey, what's this? [Tuk Tuk The Eskimo comes running down to the ring carrying a kayak paddle.] JV: Why it's the guy that I get to beat up on Tuesday. VM: What's he doing here? [Lethal turns around and Tuk Tuk smacks him right in the face with the paddle. He continues to wail on Lethal. He then leaves the ring and retrieves a 3 quare foot block of ice from under the ring.] VM: I'm surprised that it hasn't melted yet. R: Maybe it used to be a 5 square foot block of ice. [Tuk Tuk climbs to the top turnbuckle still carrying the block of ice. He dives off dropping the block of ice right on Lethal's left knee. The ice block completely shatters. He then pick the paddle back up and starts hitting Lethal's left knee with it.] VM: We need some security down here. Someone has got to stop this. JV: I'll take care of this. [Johnny gets up and runs towards the ring.] VM: Johnny! get back here! R: I'll get him! [Raider rushes after Johnny Ventures. Johnny hits the ring and tackles Tuk Tuk. Referees Mark Matarese and Sean Ceigersmidt run towards the ring. Raider pulls Johnny off of Tuk Tuk. The two refs restrain Tuk Tuk and Raider holds Johnny back.] JV: Come on punk! You want a piece of me? TT: I'll see you on Tuesday. [Tuk Tuk turns and walks away from the ring.] JV: I hope you got a lot more ice than that cuz you're going to need it when I'm done with you. [Johnny turns and heads back to the broadcast area. Raider follows him.] VM: Well now that we got some order, Let's go to John Madden for the next set of introductions. JM: Ok, this next match ought to be an interesting match. It's a falls count anywhere in the Golden Gate Bridge Death match. What does that mean? well [Madden pulls out his telestrator. the screen cuts to an aerial view of the bridge] ok now this here is the Golden Gate Bridge [Madden circles the bridge] Falls can count anywhere on here. And after a pin or submission, the fallen wrestler has 10 seconds to get back to his feet. And if you're feet are itchin' and burnin', try tough actin' Tinactin. Introducing first, being led to the ring by Moira Stone, from Indianapolis, Indiana, weighing in at 234 pounds, here is Ronnie "Rols Royce" Martin!! ["Glamour Boys" by Living Colour plays as Ronnie walks down to the ring as the crowd boos loudly.] JM: And his opponent, being led to the ring by his manager, Paul Von Braun, from Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 340 pounds, here is the reigning SWF World Champ, Doug Bacon!! [A heavy metal version of "99 bottles" plays as Doug Bacon and Paul Von Braun walk down to the ring as the crowd gives a mixed reaction.] VM: Well Ronnie has drawn a tough opponent for his final singles match? R: He's leaving? VM: No he has a friend coming in and they'll strictly be wrestling as a tag team. [Ronnie Martin attacks Doug Bacon before the bell. Ronnie Martin executes an enzuigiri. Ronnie Martin runs into the ropes.] JV: Smart move by Ronnie. Here's out powered, out sized, and out classed. He's gotta rely on every trick if he wants to win this match. [Doug Bacon misses with a shoulderblock. Doug Bacon hits Ronnie Martin with an elbow. Doug Bacon goes over to his corner and chugs down a beer.] R: What beer is that he's drinking? JV: Why it's Tony's Underground Brew. The alcoholic beverage of all underground members. VM: That reminds me, didn't you use to be in the Underground Raider? [Doug Bacon takes him down with a backdrop driver. Doug Bacon attempts to place Ronnie Martin on the turnbuckle, but Ronnie Martin blocks it. Doug Bacon whips Ronnie Martin into the turnbuckle. Doug Bacon charges into the corner.] R: Yeah, for like 2 weeks, my back stabbing partner Mr. Principal had me booted out. they're loss though. They were stupid to keep the one with the worse record. [Doug Bacon executes the Running Forearm Smash. Mark Matarese counts: One, two, shoulder up. Ronnie Martin executes a DDT. Ronnie Martin executes a reverse neckbreaker. Ronnie Martin goes for a standing moonsault, but Doug Bacon counters it with a kneelift.] R: hey you guys ever hear of that Kevin Bacon game? JV: You mean where you try to trace any actor back to Kevin? R: Yeah, Let's do it with Doug Bacon. ok, how about Sinister? [Doug Bacon nails him with a flying forearm. Mark Matarese counts: One, two, kickout. Doug Bacon runs into the ropes.] JV: Ok Sinister, wrestled Nuclear Fallout. VM: Fallout wrestled Pegasus JV: And Pegasus wrestled Bacon in the tourney. And is about to again. [Ronnie Martin takes him down with a reverse neckbreaker. Ronnie Martin takes him down with a belly-to-back suplex. Ronnie Martin goes for a Hotshot, but Doug Bacon counters it with a lariat. In turn, Ronnie Martin counters it with a duck-down move. Ronnie Martin goes for the Stinger Splash, but Doug Bacon counters it with a side step. Doug Bacon goes over to his corner and chugs down a beer.] R: Ok, how about Nightmare? VM: Hmmm... that's a tough one. [Doug Bacon goes for a double chickenwing submission, but Ronnie Martin blocks it. Ronnie Martin throws Doug Bacon out of the ring. Ronnie Martin goes through the ropes.] JV: I got it, Nightmare wrestled Mobster. Mobster wrestled J-Man. J-Man wrestled Aires, Aires wrestled Phoenix, who we said earlier, wrestled Bacon. R: Very good. oh hey, they're outside now. [They're brawling on the bridge. Ronnie Martin throws Doug Bacon over a road blockade. Ronnie Martin takes him down with a Hotshot. Ronnie Martin goes for a dropkick, but Doug Bacon counters it with a side step. They're brawling down the HOV lane.] R: let's see, you got Martin, Bacon, Moira, Von Braun, and matarese, that's 5. Yup they got enough to be in the carpool lane. [Doug Bacon takes him down with the Running Forearm Smash. Mark Matarese counts: One, two, kickout. Doug Bacon grabs a beer from a fan and chugs it down.] JV: I don't know what type of beer that was. R: That was probably an Anchor Steam. The best beer from this area. It actually gets sent to the rest of the country. JV: So does Zima, that don't mean it's any good. [They're brawling on the edge of the bridge. Doug Bacon tackles the beer man and chugs all the beers he was carrying.] VM: And Doug just drank about 20 beers there. R: And at these prices, that comes to almost 75 dollars. [Doug Bacon places Ronnie Martin on a taxi cab Doug Bacon executes the Fried Bacon on the pavement and goes for the pin. Mark Matarese counts: One, two, thr... shoulder up.] VM: That top rope, err, top of the taxi cab DDT didn't get the pin. [Doug Bacon rips out the Taxi cab's fare meter. Doug Bacon takes a swing at Ronnie Martin with the fare meter, but he gets out of the way. Ronnie Martin snatches the fare meter from him. Ronnie Martin takes a swing at Doug Bacon with the fare meter, but he gets out of the way. Doug Bacon snatches the fare meter from him. Doug Bacon hits him with the fare meter.] JV: Finally. [Doug Bacon goes for a short lariat, but Ronnie Martin blocks it. Paul Von Braun comes from behind, but Ronnie Martin nails Paul Von Braun. Doug Bacon takes him down with a spinning power bomb. Mark Matarese counts: One, two, kickout. Doug Bacon places Ronnie Martin on a ledge of the support towers.] VM: Bacon has put Martin on that 10 foot high ledge on the support tower that holds up the bridge. [Doug Bacon executes the Fried Bacon on the guardrail of the bridge and goes for the pin.] VM: Oh my, Martin just landed head first on that two foot wide steel girder that also acts as a guardrail. [Mark Matarese counts: One, two, three.] JV: Well Martin has a ten count to get up but I don't think he's going to make it. [Mark Matarese counts: On.... Doug Bacon pushes Ronnie Martin off the bridge.] VM: JESUS CHRIST!!! Bacon just threw Martin off the Golden Gate Bridge!!!! R: That was rather uncalled for. JV: Mark doesn't know what do. It's a no-dq match so he can't DQ Bacon for that. [Mark Matarese counts: two, three, four, five] JV: Yeah like Martin is going to be able to get out of the Bay, and back on the bridge in 10 seconds. [six, seven, eight, nine, ten.] VM: Well that's all she wrote. and it could very well be all she wrote for Martin. Hopefully, he survived that rather long fall into the bay. He appeared to be unconscious before he was thrown in, which could mean, he may drown. JM: The winner is Doug Bacon, in a time of 4:10. VM: Well the search and rescue teams have already started looking for Ronnie Martin. Let's go to our next match shall we? JM: I hope Ronnie is ok. Well this next match is a towel match, which Ronnie will need a lot of after he gets out of the bay. Introducing first, being led to the ring by his manager and corner man for this match, Bones Douglas, from San Antonio Texas, weighing in at a whopping 390 pounds, here is Damien Grundy!! ["Lock Up The Wolves" by Dio blares as the two men head towards the ring as the crowd gives a mixed reaction.] JM: And his opponent, who will be joined at ringside by his towel man Doug Bacon, from Nameless, Tennessee, nameless, huh? You know, I think we need to hold a contest to see who can give this town the best name, And the winner will get like an all expenses paid trip to this town that they just named. After all, you can't have a town be nameless. [Referee Sean Ceigersmidt tells him to hurry up] anyways, weighing in at 333 pounds, here is Phoenix!! ["Shitlist" by L7 blares as Phoenix struts down to the ring. He stops to pose for the ladies only to find that it's the men that are taking all the snapshots. Phoenix turns white and runs to the ring where he is joined by Doug Bacon.] R: I would just like to point out that, not all of the SF bay area is like that. The belief that SF is filled with gays is an overexagerrated stereotype. [They lock up. Damien Grundy throws Phoenix out of the ring. Damien Grundy goes through the ropes. Damien Grundy knocks some fans sitting on a car hood off. Damien Grundy nails him with a jack-knife power bomb. Damien Grundy sets up Phoenix on the car hood. Damien Grundy executes a tiger driver through the car hood. The radiator bursts open and steam is sprayed onto the two wrestlers.] JV: Didn't take very long for this match to get hardcore. [Damien Grundy knocks Phoenix into the Madden Cruiser Phoenix is busted wide open. Damien Grundy knocks Phoenix into the Madden Cruiser.] VM: Damien is using that custom made bus of John Madden's to ram Phoenix into. [Damien Grundy goes for a jack-knife power bomb, but Phoenix counters it with a backdrop. Damien Grundy whips Phoenix into the road barricade. Damien Grundy goes for the Grundy Backbreaker, but Phoenix counters it with a legsweep. Phoenix goes for a clawhold, but Damien Grundy blocks it.] JV: Aside from a couple counters, Phoenix hasn't done anything. R: I think he's still shaken up by what happened with the fans. [Damien Grundy knocks some fans sitting on top of a van off. Damien Grundy sets up Phoenix on the roof of the van. Damien Grundy executes a power bomb through the roof of the van. The roof of the van is broken in half.] VM: Damien just powerbombed Phoenix through the roof of that Volkswagen Bus! [Phoenix exits the Volkswagen Bus through the front door. Damien Grundy goes for the Grundy Backbreaker, but Phoenix counters it with a backdrop. Phoenix knocks some fans sitting on a Volkswagen Beetle off.] JV: This place really is trapped in the 60's ain't it? R: And you haven't even seen Haight Ashbury yet. [They're brawling on the bridge. Damien Grundy nails him with a short lariat. Damien Grundy takes him down with a fallaway slam. Damien Grundy gets in the Volkswagen Beetle and hotwires it. Damien Grundy runs over Phoenix with the Volkswagen beetle.] VM: He just ran over Phoenix!! JV: Yeah but the Beetle is one of the lightest cars ever made, so it probably didn't hurt too much. [Damien Grundy parks the car and gets out. Damien Grundy catches him in a power bomb. Phoenix knocks a UTenn student off the hood of a pickup truck.] VM: There's that UTenn student again. JV: Something very ironic about Phoenix knocking him off. R: The Student can't be all bad. He was wearing a TUA t-shirt. [Phoenix executes a DDT through the windshield of the pickup truck. The windshield is completely shattered.] R: I thought the windshields weren't suppose to do that. JV: The guy was a hick from Tennessee. he probably got some low grade windshield. VM: You don't know that he's a hick. JV: There's a gun rack on the back of the pickup. R: He's a hick. [Phoenix throws Damien Grundy back in to the ring. Phoenix follows him in. Phoenix goes for a DDT, but Damien Grundy counters it with a backdrop. Damien Grundy executes the Grundy Backbreaker.] VM: And there's that Jack-knife backbreaker of Damien's. JV: Phoenix is looking just horrible in this match. For the most part, it's been all Damien. [Damien Grundy runs into the ropes. Phoenix takes him down with a flying forearm. Phoenix nails him with a chinlock deathlock submission. Damien Grundy reaches the ropes after being trapped for 35 seconds.] JV: Maybe I spoke too soon. [Phoenix throws Damien Grundy out of the ring. Phoenix goes through the ropes. Phoenix knocks Damien Grundy into the ringpost. They're brawling on the bridge. Phoenix goes for a Hotshot, but Damien Grundy counters it with a lariat.] VM: and now Damien is going over to that Yugo. R: I'm surprised that thing can even make it up the hills in SF. [Damien Grundy knocks some fans sitting on a car hood off. Damien Grundy executes a fallaway slam. Damien Grundy sets up Phoenix on the car hood. Damien Grundy executes a moonsault through the car hood. The car hood didn't break.] JV: That thing held up? Damn, maybe we we're too hard on those cars. [Damien Grundy whips Phoenix into the group of men that was taking pictures earlier. Phoenix comes running out of the crowd screaming. Damien Grundy takes him down with a bearhug.] JV: Apparently Phoenix would rather get hugged by Damien then the guys in the crowd. [Damien Grundy sets up Phoenix on the Yugo hood. Damien Grundy executes a tiger driver through the Yugo hood. The Yugo totally disintegrates.] JV, VM & R:!!!!!!!!!!! VM: The Yugo has been reduced to nothing but dust now. [Damien Grundy goes for a moonsault, but Phoenix counters it with a roll away. Phoenix grabs a scooter. Phoenix hits him with the scooter.] R: there's too many of those damn things here anyway. [They're brawling on the bridge. Damien Grundy executes a thrust kick to the head. They're brawling on the bridge. Phoenix executes a fist to the midsection. They're brawling on the bridge. Phoenix executes a fist to the midsection.] R: So where are they brawling? [Phoenix knocks some fans sitting on a Pinto off. Phoenix sets up Damien Grundy on the Pinto. Phoenix tries to drive Damien Grundy through the Pinto with a slingshot legdrop, but he moves out of the way. The Pinto is engulfed in flames.] JV: And Ford said that those cars were safe. [Damien Grundy nails him with a double underhook piledriver. Damien Grundy reenters the ring. Phoenix follows him back in. Damien Grundy goes for a power bomb, but Phoenix blocks it. Phoenix whips Damien Grundy into the ropes. Damien Grundy takes him down with a clawhold. Doug Bacon throws in the towel immediately.] VM: And apparently Doug has seen enough and has decided to throw the towel in for Phoenix, giving Damien the upset victory. JV: Well they've got to be pleased with that. VM: Well we are out of time. For Johnny "The Muscle" Ventures, Chris "Raider" Johanson, and John Madden, I'm Vance McMihn saying so long. [fade to black] The winner is Damien Grundy. Time of match: 0:06:14. 6 minutes have gone by. ~~~~~