Frenck: Welcome to the Premiere Edition of SWF Slaughterhouse. Be prepared to see some of the most carnal action in pro wrestling. Now before we go to New Orleans, allow me to tell you the rules of SWF Slaughterhouse. There are none. All matches are no-DQ, no-countout, no-time limit, anything goes, gimmick matches. We have everything from the Texas Death matches, to Crucification matches. You name it, we got it. Now as soon as we have 12 eligible wrestlers, we'll have our Tough man title tournament, which will include 10 spin the wheel matches, all in one night. Now, Are you ready for some Wrestling?!?!?!?! Vance McMihn: Good Evening everybody, and welcome to the debut of SWF SLAUGHTERHOUSE!!!! With me is my co-host and a former wrestler himself, Johnny "The Muscle" Ventures!! Johnny Ventures: Thank you McMihn. We've got an explosive show tonight. As Mr. Frenck mentioned earlier, all of the matches we will be doing will be no-DQ, no-countout, no-time limit, anything goes gimmick matches. This is by far, the most brutal hour of wrestling on Television today. VM: How right you are. And Mr. Frenck has given us four excellent matches for tonight. We have Phoenix taking on Monster Mark in a coffin match. JV: Better get them some Vicks 44D. VM: What does that have to do with anything? JV: It's a coffin match. Vicks Formula 44D stops the coughin'. VM: Bad joke. JV: I had to get a plug in for one of sponsors some how. VM: Whatever. We'll also see Doug Bacon taking on Mr. Roboto in a handcuff falls-count-anywhere death match. JV: That should be great. Those falls count anywhere matches are just fantastic. VM: "Hardcore" Billy Talent will take on the notorious Dr. Hate in a table death match. JV: We'll get to see if Billy Talent has earned that nickname because it doesn't get anymore hardcore than SWF Slaughterhouse. VM: And we'll see the bizarre Moon Dog Gator take on Time Warp. Let's go to our first match. JV: We have with us tonight, as special Ring Announcer, one of New Orleans newest residents, the new coach of the Saints, Iron Mike Ditka!! [The crowd pops as they see Ditka in the center of the ring.] MD: Dis match is a handcuff falls-count-anywhere no-DQ no-countout no-time limit Death match. Da competitors will be handcuffed together and will have to pin each other. After da pin, da wrestler has to get up before da referee counts to ten. Now introducing first, From Tokyo, Japan, weighing in at 220 pounds, here is Mr. Roboto!! ["Mr. Roboto" by Styx blares through the loudspeakers as Mr. Roboto walks down to the ring slapping a few fans hands. He gets a mixed reaction from the crowd.] MD: And his opponent being led to da ring by his manager Paul Von Braun, from Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 340 pounds, a man who I would kick off da Saints for his eating and drinking habits, here is Doug "Beer Drinker" Bacon!! [A heavy metal version of "99 bottles of beer" plays as Paul Von Braun and Doug bacon strut down to the aisle as the crowd boos loudly.] VM: Doug Bacon, one of the Underground members in the SWF, does not seem to be the crowd favorite. JV: Yeah, but he's got this match won. Mr. Roboto is one of those high flying japanese aerialist wrestlers, He's not going to be able to do that while handcuffed to Bacon. VM: Referee Matt Compton has handcuffed the two men together and the bell has rung. [They lock up. Mr. Roboto takes him down with an earringer. Doug Bacon catches him in a power bomb. Matt Compton counts: One, two, shoulder up.] JV: It's gonna take much more than an earringer to beat Doug Bacon. It didn't even phase him. VM: Bacon just drove Mr. Roboto through that mat. He almost had him pinned right there. [Doug Bacon goes over to his corner, dragging Mr. Roboto along, and chugs down a beer.] JV: Doug goes over for a drink but has to take Mr. Roboto with him because of the handcuffs. [Doug Bacon nails him with a clawhold. Doug Bacon lets go after 13 seconds. Mr. Roboto whips Doug Bacon into the turnbuckle. Mr. Roboto runs shoulder-first into the corner.] VM: Roboto escapes that patented Underground submission hold and whips Bacon into the corner. JV: And because of the handcuffs, he gets pulled along right with him. Though good heads up to lead in with the shoulder. [Mr. Roboto takes him down with an Asai moonsault. Matt Compton counts: One, two, shoulder up.] VM: Great agility there by Mr. Roboto! He did an Asai moonsault while handcuffed to Bacon! JV: He caught Bacon totally off guard. That was the last thing Doug was expecting. He was almost pinned because he was so stunned. [Mr. Roboto nails him with a kick to the midsection. Mr. Roboto takes him down with a single-leg takedown. Mr. Roboto executes a flying sunset flip. Matt Compton counts: One, two, shoulder up.] VM: And again, another great move by Mr. Roboto! He waited until Doug stood up, did a flip jump over him and caught him in that flying sunset flip. JV: And again, Bacon caught totally by surprise. He was not expecting these high flying moves. And frankly, I don't think anyone else was either. [Mr. Roboto takes him down with a single-leg takedown. Mr. Roboto executes a kick to the midsection. Mr. Roboto goes for a flying sunset flip, but Doug Bacon counters it with a sitdown. Matt Compton counts: One, two, kickout.] VM: Bacon was ready for him that time and had the ring smarts to sitdown on him. JV: And with Bacon outweighing Mr. Roboto by 120 pounds, he almost was able to get the pin. Next time, just drop down on him hard, Doug. [Doug Bacon nails him with an elbowsmash. Doug Bacon executes a Russian legsweep. Doug Bacon goes over to his corner, dragging Mr. Roboto, and chugs down a beer.] JV: Doug going to get some more of that magical elixir that gives him his powers. [Doug Bacon gives the sign for the Fried Bacon. Doug Bacon places Mr. Roboto on the turnbuckle.] VM: Here it comes! That top rope DDT that Mr. Bacon does so well. [Doug Bacon goes for the Fried Bacon, but Mr. Roboto counters it with a headbutt.] VM: Good heads up move by Mr. Roboto. He headbutts Doug Bacon then pushes him off the turnbuckle. [Mr. Roboto takes him down with a single-leg takedown. Mr. Roboto goes for a moonsault bodyblock, but Doug Bacon counters it with a side step.] JV: I don't know what amazes me more. The fact that Mr. Roboto was able to do a moonsault bodyblock while handcuffed, or the fact that Doug was able to dodge it being so close. [Doug Bacon goes for a short lariat, but Mr. Roboto counters it with a duck-down move. Doug Bacon goes for an armbar submission, but Mr. Roboto blocks it. Mr. Roboto goes for an enzuilariato, but Doug Bacon counters it with a duck-down move. Doug Bacon catches him in a Northern Lights suplex. Matt Compton counts: One, two, kickout.] VM: Finally, after all that dodging and weaving, Doug hits Mr. Roboto with that Northern Lights suplex, but it wasn't enough for the three count. [Doug Bacon executes the Running Forearm Smash. Matt Compton counts: One, two, kickout.] JV: Had Doug actually had running room, this match would be over. But since he's handcuffed to Mr. Roboto, he only had like 3 feet to run before hitting him with that forearm smash. [Doug Bacon goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Mr. Roboto counters it with a backdrop. In turn, Doug Bacon counters it with a sunset flip. Matt Compton counts: One, two, shoulder up.] VM: Mr. Roboto thought he escaped the Dr. Bomb but Bacon grabbed onto him for the sunset flip. [Doug Bacon executes an armbar submission. Mr. Roboto manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 23 seconds.] JV: Good strategy by Bacon. Slow down the match. He had Mr. Roboto in that armbar for a long time. [Doug Bacon goes for a backdrop driver, but Mr. Roboto counters it with a backward kick. Mr. Roboto whips Doug Bacon into the turnbuckle, but Doug Bacon reverses it. Doug Bacon runs shoulder-first into the corner.] VM: This time, Doug Bacon get's pulled along for the ride. But he too was smart enough to go in shoulder first. [Doug Bacon executes a double chickenwing submission. Mr. Roboto manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 12 seconds.] JV: I would still like to see someone use a single chickenwing submission. Now if Mr. Roboto was smart, he would just submit instantly and then get back on his feet before the 10 count. There is no sense trying to fight out of it. [Doug Bacon goes for a clawhold, but Mr. Roboto blocks it. Mr. Roboto nails him with a thrust kick to the head. Mr. Roboto nails him with a flying sunset flip. Matt Compton counts: One, two, kickout.] VM: More of that great agility by Mr. Roboto who somehow manages to get his leg up to nail Bacon with that thrust kick and then follow it up with a somersault jump into a flying sunset flip. JV: While these high-flyers don't have much chance against bigger men like Bacon, it is amazing what they can do. [Mr. Roboto goes for a dropkick to the knee, but Doug Bacon counters it with a side step. Doug Bacon goes for a short lariat, but Mr. Roboto blocks it. Mr. Roboto goes for an Asai moonsault, but Doug Bacon counters it with a side step. Doug Bacon places Mr. Roboto on the turnbuckle.] JV: Doug taking advantage of that missed Asai moonsault and has Mr. Roboto up on the turnbuckle. What's he going to do? [Doug Bacon catches him in a belly-to-belly superplex. Matt Compton counts: One, two, in the ropes...] VM: HUGE belly to belly superplex there. Unfortunately, they landed right next to the ropes. [Mr. Roboto takes him down with an enzuilariato. Mr. Roboto nails him with a kick to the midsection. Mr. Roboto is going for the pin. Matt Compton counts: One, two, kickout.] VM: Mr. Roboto feeling a sense of urgency, tries to get the pin. JV: It's going to take a lot more than that. [Mr. Roboto takes him down with a kneelift. Mr. Roboto throws Doug Bacon out of the ring. Mr. Roboto jumps onto him with a Hi-Tech.] VM: AMAZING MANEUVER!!!!! Mr. Roboto hits that top rope plancha as he throws Bacon out of the ring. JV: He's damn lucky he got that timed out right. If he hesitated a split second, Bacon's handcuff would've caused Mr. Roboto to lose his balance and go down head first. [Mr. Roboto is handed a baseball bat. Mr. Roboto hits him with the baseball bat.] VM: Mr. Roboto takes a baseball bat from that Sting wannabe and whacks Doug Bacon across the knee. JV: And Bacon has just collapsed. His knee is seriously damaged. [Mr. Roboto is going for the pin. Matt Compton counts: One, two, shoulder up.] VM: Bacon able to get his shoulder up in time, but he can barely stand. It's not looking good for him. [They're brawling inside the ring area. Mr. Roboto executes a kneelift. Mr. Roboto hits him with the baseball bat.] JV: And again Bacon gets hit in his left knee with the baseball bat. Bacon is in some serious pain. [They're brawling inside the ring area. Mr. Roboto throws Doug Bacon over the guardrail. Mr. Roboto executes a thrust kick to the head. Doug Bacon is busted wide open.] VM: Mr Roboto jumps over the guardrail and lands on Doug Bacon with that thrust kick. JV: He hit Bacon right in the nose, and blood is gushing out everywhere. [Mr. Roboto goes for a kick to the head, but Doug Bacon jerks his handcuffed arm. VM: Doug swings his handcuffed arm as Mr. Roboto was going to kick him again! Mr. Roboto lost his balance and the side of his head landed right on that steel chair!! Mr. Roboto is out cold. JV: Doug drapes an arm over Mr. Roboto. [Doug Bacon is going for the pin. Matt Compton counts: One, two, three.] VM: Bacon get's the first fall of the night. Now Mr. Roboto has to get up before Matt Compton counts to 10. JV: No way. Mr. Roboto is out cold. [Matt Compton counts: one, two, three, four,] VM: Mr. Roboto still has not moved since hitting that chair. [five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.] VM: That's it Doug wins. Let's go to Mike Ditka for the official winner. MD: Here is your winner, in a time of 8 minutes and 1 second, Doug "Beer Drinker" Bacon. [The crowd applauds a little bit, but mostly remain silent and look on as Bacon and Mr. Roboto are attended to. Paul Von Braun is talking to Bacon who is holding his knee. Matt Compton has removed the handcuffs and the first aid crews are putting both men on stretchers and taking them back to the lockerrooms.] JV: What a match, We had blood, foreign objects, just about everything in the very first match of the very first show. I can't wait for a couple weeks down the road when this show just becomes total carnage. VM: Bacon and Mr. Roboto have been taken away, so let's go up to Ditka for the next match. MD: All right. Dis next match is a no-DQ, no-countout, no-time limit Coffin match. Da only way a wrestler can win is to put his opponent in da coffin and close da lid. Now, Introducing first, from Dusseldorf, Germany, weighing in at 300 pounds, here is Monster Mark!! ["Monster Mash" blares from the PA system. The crowd boos as Monster Mark walks down to the ring like Frankenstein.] JV: I get the feeling this guy is a couple cards short of a full deck. MD: His opponent, from Nameless, Tennessee...What da hell kinda name is Nameless? Anyways, weighing at a whopping 333 pounds, here is Phoenix!! ["Shitlist" By L7 plays. As Phoenix walks down, flames shoot up behind him. Many female fans pull out their Kodak funsavers(tm) and start taking pictures of Phoenix.] JV: Well nice to see that Phoenix decided to spend some money on special effects. [The coffin is being rolled to ringside by a couple of roadies.] VM: The coffin we have tonight is a Reaper 5000, designed especially for the larger people who experience the tragedy of death. The coffin courtesy of Rath Funeral Homes. "Rath Funeral Homes, where we promise not to have post partum sex or your money back." JV: I don't even want to know how many times they've refunded someone's money. VM: Neither do I. The bell has rung and the match has started. [They lock up. Monster Mark goes for a snap mare, but Phoenix blocks it. Phoenix nails him with a double chickenwing submission. Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: Phoenix goes for a submission hold right off the back but Monster Mark was right next to the ropes. [Phoenix goes for a flying forearm, but Monster Mark counters it with a duck-down move. Monster Mark goes for a back heel kick, but Phoenix blocks it.] JV: This should be a great match. Both men are close to the same size and have the same wrestling style. [Phoenix nails him with a front-layout superplex. Phoenix runs into the ropes. Monster Mark hits Phoenix with a shoulderblock.] VM: Phoenix goes off the ropes, jumps over Mark, off the other set of ropes only to get hit by a shoulderblock. [Monster Mark executes a diving headbutt. Monster Mark leaves the ring. He returns with a microphone.] VM: And Monster Mark goes and grabs Ditka's mic after that flying headbutt. JV: Mark wants to make this hardcore real fast! [Monster Mark executes a backbreaker. Monster Mark hits him with the microphone.] VM: Phoenix is holding his head after getting hit with the mic. JV: And here comes Monster Mark from behind. [Monster Mark executes a full nelson. Phoenix manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 13 seconds. Monster Mark hits him with the microphone. Phoenix is busted wide open.] VM: Phoenix in trouble. JV: Mark had Phoenix in that full nelson for about 15 seconds, and he immediately nailed Phoenix right above the left eye with the microphone and blood is starting to flow. [Monster Mark goes for an inverted atomic drop, but Phoenix blocks it. Phoenix takes him down with a flying forearm. Phoenix nails him with a Hotshot. Phoenix nails him with a chinlock deathlock submission.] VM: That cut to his head seems to have woken Phoenix up. Monster Mark is desperately trying to reach the ropes. [Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 14 seconds. Phoenix nails him with a backdrop driver.] VM: Phoenix throws Monster Mark outside and he's out there himself now too. JV; They're right next to the coffin. I think Phoenix wants to end this. [Phoenix tries to put Monster Mark in the Coffin. Phoenix stuffs Monster Mark in the Coffin. Phoenix can't close the lid.] VM: Monster Mark able to push the lid back up as Phoenix was trying to close it. [Monster Mark reenters the ring. Monster Mark executes an elbowdrop.] VM: Phoenix tripped on his way back in the ring and Monster Mark takes advantage with that elbowdrop. [Monster Mark runs into the ropes. Monster Mark catches him in a belly-to-belly suplex. Monster Mark nails him with a Hotshot.] JV: Monster Mark is just all over Phoenix. I think we could see an upset here tonight. [Monster Mark nails him with a cobra clutch.] VM: Monster Mark has that cobra clutch on in the middle of the ring. But Phoenix is slowly making his way over to the ropes. Can he make it? [Phoenix reaches the ropes after being trapped for 18 seconds. Monster Mark throws Phoenix out of the ring. Monster Mark jumps onto him with a double axehandle from the apron, but Phoenix moves out of the way.] JV: Mark got lucky he didn't hit the guardrail. But his back is to Phoenix now! [Phoenix knocks Monster Mark into the ringpost. Phoenix nails him with a jumping DDT. Phoenix is handed a hammer.] VM: One of the roadies just handed Phoenix a hammer. JV: It's all part of the game McMihn. [Phoenix takes a swing at Monster Mark with the hammer, but he gets out of the way. Monster Mark snatches the hammer from him. Monster Mark hits him with the hammer.] JV: Get that roadie's name! I want him fired! VM: Don't think that's gonna happen. Remember it's anything goes, here on SWF Slaughterhouse. [Monster Mark whips Phoenix into the guardrail. Monster Mark walks around the ring like Frankenstein.] VM: Monster Mark is wasting a lot of time here. JV: I told ya, he's not running on all cylinders. [Monster Mark takes him down with a snap mare. Monster Mark hits him with the hammer.] VM: Oh my! Mark flips Phoenix over with that snap mare then hits him right between the eyes with that hammer! [Monster Mark executes a cobra clutch. Monster Mark knocks Phoenix into the ringsteps.] JV: Wow, what a move! Mark held Phoenix in that Cobra Clutch then ran forward causing Phoenix to hit the guardrail headfirst! [Monster Mark hits him with the hammer.] JV: And another hit with the hammer for good measure. [They're brawling inside the ring area. Phoenix grabs the hammer from him. Phoenix throws Monster Mark back into the ring. Phoenix brings the hammer into the ring.] VM: Smart move by Phoenix to take that hammer away from Monster Mark. JV: Yeah but it's a little too late. The damage has already been done. [Phoenix is bleeding profusely. Phoenix takes him down with a double chickenwing submission.] VM: Phoenix has that double chickenwing on right in the middle of the ring, But Monster is steadily moving towards the ropes. JV: Phoenix has lost a lot of blood. He doesn't have the strength to keep Monster Mark in the middle of the ring. [Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 16 seconds. Monster Mark executes a swinging neckbreaker.] VM: As soon as Phoenix let go of that hold, Mark hits him with that swinging neckbreaker. JV: And Phoenix is out of it. He's just lying there trying to gather some strength. [Monster Mark walks around the ring like Frankenstein. Monster Mark executes the Monster Mash.] VM: Oh my!! Monster Mark executed his finisher. He just jumped up and down all over his body!! JV: That's three hundred pounds landing on you. Monster Mark, hit both legs, both arms, the stomach, and the head! [Monster Mark nails him with a legsweep. Monster Mark executes an elbowdrop.] JV: what are you waiting for idiot? You got Phoenix where you want him, now go put him in the coffin! [Monster Mark goes for a stomp, but Phoenix counters it with a roll away. Phoenix goes for a Samoan Drop, but Monster Mark counters it with an elbowsmash. Phoenix takes him down with a flying forearm.] VM: Phoenix starting to fight back, but Monster Mark is still on his feet. [Phoenix runs into the ropes. Monster Mark executes a side suplex. Monster Mark nails him with a kneeling headbutt.] JV: Mark using that incredibly hard and somewhat abnormally large forehead of his. [Monster Mark goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Phoenix counters it with a side suplex. Phoenix executes a chinlock deathlock submission. Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 13 seconds.] VM: Phoenix going back to the submission holds. JV: It's a good strategy on Phoenix's part. It wears his opponent down while giving him a chance to rest a little bit. But unfortunately Mark found the ropes. [Phoenix executes a clawhold. Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: Phoenix applies the clawhold while Mark was right next to the ropes and he smartly grabs on to the ropes again. [Phoenix gives the sign for the Razzle Dazzle.] VM: Phoenix going for that flashy reverse neckbreaker of his. JV: And that is all it is. Just flash. He can wind up as much as he wants, it doesn't make the move any better. [Phoenix executes the Razzle Dazzle. Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the turnbuckle. Phoenix charges into the corner.] VM: Phoenix hits Mark hard in the corner. JV: And Phoenix has grabbed the hammer that he dropped earlier. [Phoenix takes a swing at Monster Mark with the hammer, but he gets out of the way. Monster Mark snatches the hammer from him. Monster Mark hits him with the hammer.] VM: And the gamble did not pay off as Mark was able to grab the hammer from him and hit Phoenix with it. [Monster Mark takes him down with a Hotshot. Monster Mark leaves the ring.] VM: Where's he going? [He returns with a baseball bat.] JV: Monster Mark wants to up the ante. He gets rid of the hammer and picks up that baseball bat that Mr. Roboto was using earlier. [Monster Mark hits him with the baseball bat. Monster Mark takes him down with a full nelson. Monster Mark lets go after 13 seconds.] VM: Monster Mark hits Phoenix right in the ribs with the baseball bat and then grabs Phoenix in a full nelson as he writhed in pain. [Monster Mark whips Phoenix into the ropes, but Phoenix reverses it. Monster Mark takes him down with a spinebuster slam.] VM: Tremendous Spinebuster Slam there. And Phoenix is on the mat. Mark picks him. What's he going to do now? [Monster Mark executes a full nelson. Phoenix manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 18 seconds.] JV: I'm guessing that Monster Mark is getting tired now too. He's going to the submission holds so he can rest up a little. [Phoenix runs into the ropes. Phoenix takes him down with a jumping DDT. Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the ropes. Monster Mark hits Phoenix with a shoulderblock.] VM: Phoenix almost started a comeback but Mark ends that in a hurry with that shoulderblock that caused Phoenix to hit the mat hard. [Monster Mark walks around the ring like Frankenstein. Monster Mark tries to put Phoenix in the Coffin. Phoenix blocks it.] JV: If that idiot hadn't done his Frankenstein impression, he probably could've won the match. [Phoenix runs into the ropes. Phoenix goes for a flying forearm, but Monster Mark counters it with a duck-down move.] VM: And Phoenix goes sailing right on over Monster Mark. [Phoenix is bleeding profusely. Monster Mark takes him down with a fist to the midsection. Monster Mark takes him down with a sleeperhold. Phoenix reaches the ropes after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: Monster Mark again trying to get a little breather. [Monster Mark executes a back heel kick. Monster Mark nails him with a Hotshot. Monster Mark nails him with a back heel kick.] VM: Monster Mark with a couple kicks there. [Monster Mark whips Phoenix into the ropes. Monster Mark misses with a clothesline. Phoenix hits Monster Mark with a kick.] VM: Phoenix hit him Monster Mark right in the chest with that kick, And Mark was sent reeling all the way back to the ropes. JV: Can Phoenix capitalize on this? [Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the ropes. Monster Mark hits Phoenix with a kick. Monster Mark executes a lariat. Monster Mark nails him with a cobra clutch.] VM: Apparently not. Monster Mark is having trouble holding that cobra clutch on. [Phoenix manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 5 seconds. Phoenix takes him down with a front-layout superplex. Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the turnbuckle. Phoenix charges into the corner. Phoenix takes him down with a short clothesline.] JV: Monster Mark is hurting now. Phoenix grabs him by the ankles and pulls him out to the center of the ring. He must be going for a submission hold. [Phoenix takes him down with a figure-four leglock. Monster Mark manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 10 seconds. Phoenix takes him down with an elbowsmash.] VM: Monster Mark escapes the hold, but only to be hit with that elbowsmash. [Monster Mark goes for a short clothesline, but Phoenix counters it with a duck-down move. Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the turnbuckle. Phoenix charges into the corner, but Monster Mark moves out of the way.] VM: Both men are down now. JV: Monster Mark pretty much just fell out of the way as Phoenix came in and hit the turnbuckle hard. VM: Monster Mark is crawling over to where the baseball bat is. [Monster Mark hits him with the baseball bat. Monster Mark gives the sign for the Monster Mash. Monster Mark executes the Monster Mash.] VM: OH MY!! For the 2nd time tonight, Monster mark just stomps all over Phoenix. Monster Mark executes a diving headbutt. Monster Mark executes a short lariat. Monster Mark executes a backbreaker. Monster Mark nails him with a backbreaker.] JV: Monster Mark seems to have gotten a 2nd wind and is now all over Phoenix. [Monster Mark nails him with a Hotshot. Phoenix nails him with a diamond cutter.] VM: And Phoenix just pulled that diamond cutter out of nowhere. Phoenix runs into the ropes as Monster Mark stands up. [Phoenix nails him with a flying forearm. Monster Mark bumps into Scott Thomas.] VM: Referee Scott Thomas, who had managed to avoid the wrestlers so far, finally got caught as that flying forearm sent Monster Mark crashing on top of him. [Phoenix gives the sign for the Razzle Dazzle. Phoenix executes the Razzle Dazzle. Phoenix executes a chinlock deathlock submission.] VM: And another Razzle Dazzle. We've seen both mens finishers twice so far tonight. JV: And both men are clearly exhausted. Phoenix has Mark in a chinlock deathlock, but I think he should be trying to put him in the coffin. Phoenix has lost a lot of blood and really needs this match to end soon. [Phoenix lets go after 13 seconds. Scott Thomas is back on the job. Phoenix takes him down with a front-layout superplex.] VM: Huge superplex there. Phoenix rolls Monster Mark out of the ring, then rolls out himself. [Phoenix tries to put Monster Mark in the Coffin. Phoenix stuffs Monster Mark in the Coffin.] VM: Could this be it? [Phoenix can't close the lid.] VM: No!! JV: Monster Mark barely able to get his arms up to prevent the lid from closing. And now both men head back into the ring. [Monster Mark reenters the ring. Phoenix takes him down with a short clothesline. Phoenix takes him down with an elbowsmash. Phoenix nails him with a fist to the midsection. VM: And Phoenix is winding up. That can only mean one thing. [Phoenix executes the Razzle Dazzle. Phoenix nails him with a diamond cutter.] JV: Phoenix smartly working on both sides of the neck with that Razzle Dazzle and diamond cutter. [Phoenix whips Monster Mark into the turnbuckle, but Monster Mark reverses it. Monster Mark charges in with a Vader attack, but Phoenix lifts his leg.] VM: Good heads up move by Phoenix there. He stopped Monster Mark cold in his tracks. [Phoenix goes for a Victory Roll, but Monster Mark counters it with a sitdown. In turn, Phoenix counters it with a double leg-hook.] JV: That was the most useless set of moves I've seen. This is a coffin match. Pins aren't going to do any good here. [Phoenix nails him with an elbowsmash. Monster Mark goes for a short lariat, but Phoenix counters it with a duck-down move. Phoenix takes him down with a double chickenwing submission. Monster Mark reaches the ropes after being trapped for 5 seconds.] VM: Phoenix to tired to prevent Mark from reaching the ropes. [Monster Mark goes for a side suplex, but Phoenix blocks it. Phoenix takes him down with a dropkick to the knee.] JV: Phoenix has really run out steam. He tried to nail Mark with a dropkick, but could barely jump and only got Mark in the knee. [Phoenix runs into the ropes. Phoenix nails him with a fist to the midsection. Phoenix executes the Razzle Dazzle.] VM: That's the fourth Razzle Dazzle tonight. Yet somehow, Monster Mark has managed to stay alive in this match. JV: Well if it wasn't for all the blood Phoenix lost, I think Mark would be SOL right now. [Phoenix goes for a Samoan Drop, but Monster Mark counters it with an elbowsmash. Monster Mark throws Phoenix out of the ring. Monster Mark jumps onto him with a double axehandle from the apron, but Phoenix moves out of the way. Phoenix throws Monster Mark back into the ring.] VM: Despite Mark's miscue there, Phoenix doesn't want this match to stay on to the outside. [Phoenix nails him with a short clothesline. Monster Mark nails him with a backbreaker.] VM: Both men exchanging blows. JV: They're so tired that neither can keep their offense up. [Monster Mark goes for a snap mare, but Phoenix blocks it. Phoenix nails him with a Russian legsweep. Phoenix executes a dropkick to the knee.] VM: Phoenix with another low dropkick there. [Phoenix is bleeding like a faucet. Phoenix executes an octopus hold. Monster Mark breaks the hold after 8 seconds.] JV: Phoenix barely has the strength for those holds. [Monster Mark executes a short clothesline. Phoenix throws Monster Mark out of the ring. Monster Mark lands in the Coffin.] VM: And Mark landed right in that coffin!! JV: And while that cushioned the landing for Monster Mark, he is now exactly where Phoenix wants him. VM: And Phoenix is reaching through the ropes to close the lid! [Phoenix closes the lid.] VM: HE DID IT!! JV: What a match!! Though it could've easily gone the other way. Both men are just exhausted. Phoenix is still lying on the mat and Mark hasn't even attempted to open the coffin to get out. MD: Your winner of dis match, in a time of 14 minutes and 40 seconds, is Phoenix!! [The crowd applauds as a couple roadies help Phoenix back to the lockerrooms. Other roadies cart the coffin back to the lockerrooms with Monster Mark still in it.] JV: This is great. So far were batting a thousand. We've had blood spilled in both matches, and not one wrestler has been able to make it back to the lockerrooms without help. It doesn't get any better than this. VM: You know, you are really sick. JV: So what? VM: Well Monster Mark and Phoenix have left the area, and now it's time for our next match. MD: All right. Dis next match goes until First Blood is drawn. My god! You all are sick! Introducing first, from somewhere in time, weighing in at 250 pounds, here is Time Warp!! ["Back In Time" by Huey Lewis blares through the PA system as he runs down to the aisle. The crowd gives him a mixed reaction.] MD: And his opponent, being led to the ring by his manager, Mr. America [Crowd starts to boo] from Jackson, Mississippi, weighing in at 370 pounds, here is Moon Dog Gator!! ["Bring The Noise" By Anthrax & Public Enemy plays as the two men walk down to the ring as the crowd boos loudly.] VM: Moon Dog Gator is one of the more....eclectic individuals here in the SWF. JV: I think the guy actually thinks he's a dog. VM: And the loser of this event will receive a lifetime supply of Jackson & Jackson bandaids. "Jackson & Jackson Bandaids are perfect for any type of wound. From small little paper cuts to severe gun wounds, Jackson & Jackson has the bandaid for you" [They lock up. Time Warp nails him with a chop. Time Warp nails him with a chop. Moon Dog Gator begs off.] VM: Time Warp starts things off with a couple chops. JV: Apparently the little doggie didn't like that. I can't wait to see what happens when Time Warp grabs a rolled up newspaper. [Time Warp attempts to place Moon Dog Gator on the turnbuckle, but Moon Dog Gator blocks it. Time Warp runs into the ropes. Time Warp hits Moon Dog Gator with a clothesline. Time Warp nails him with an elbowdrop. Time Warp executes a jumping elbow thrust.] VM: Time Warp looking very impressive JV: Or Moon Doggie is looking very unimpressive. [Moon Dog Gator takes him down with a roundhouse right. Moon Dog Gator executes an elbowsmash. Moon Dog Gator goes for the D-Dog-T, but Time Warp counters it with a backdrop.] VM: Gator starting to get some offense going but unable to hit that finisher of his. [Time Warp executes a jumping elbow thrust. Time Warp nails him with a chop. Moon Dog Gator begs off. Time Warp takes him down with a diving shoulderblock.] VM: And again, Time Warp is in charge. JV: And again Moon Dog begs off like the wimp that he is. [Moon Dog Gator places Time Warp on the turnbuckle. Moon Dog Gator takes him down with a superplex. Moon Dog Gator scratches his head furiously as he barks.] VM: Moon Dog just nailed Time Warp with that Superplex. JV: And it appears that Moon Dog has a case of the fleas. [Time Warp takes him down with a knee to the back. Time Warp takes him down with an Asai moonsault.] VM: Time Warp takes advantage of Moon Dog's flea infestation. [Time Warp whips Moon Dog Gator into the turnbuckle, but Moon Dog Gator reverses it. Time Warp comes back, but is met with a kick to the midsection. Moon Dog Gator takes him down with a swinging punch. Moon Dog Gator nails him with a swinging punch. Time Warp nails him with a knee to the back. Moon Dog Gator begs off.] JV: I don't get it. Moon Doggie starts to get some control, Time Warp hits one little knee to the back, and Moon Doggie begs off. [Time Warp executes an Asai moonsault. Time Warp whips Moon Dog Gator into the ropes. Time Warp hits Moon Dog Gator with a shoulderblock. Moon Dog Gator begs off.] JV: Your begging didn't work last time, and it's not going to work this time. [Time Warp nails him with a chop. Time Warp executes a knee to the back. Time Warp goes for a Frankensteiner, but Moon Dog Gator counters it with a power bomb.] VM: Time Warp with a high risk maneuver that backfires big time. [Moon Dog Gator executes a punch. Moon Dog Gator executes the Running Forearm Smash. Moon Dog Gator takes him down with a moonsault.] VM: And with that miscue on Time Warp's behalf, Gator is fully in control. [Moon Dog Gator nails him with a cobra clutch. Time Warp manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 7 seconds. Moon Dog Gator executes a vertical suplex. Moon Dog Gator goes for a thrust kick to the head, but Time Warp counters it with a duck-down move. Time Warp takes him down with an enzuigiri.] VM: Well, he was in control. JV: If you give Time Warp an opening, he'll take it. He's not the crappy wrestler most people make him out to be. He may not win too often, but he'll provide a heckuva challenge. [Time Warp whips Moon Dog Gator into the turnbuckle. Time Warp charges into the corner, but Moon Dog Gator lifts his leg. Moon Dog Gator executes a piledriver. Time Warp nails him with a knee to the back.] VM: And that piledriver didn't even phase Time Warp. JV: He'll feel it next year. VM: Huh? JV: Just making a little joke about his name. VM: Your jokes suck Johnny. [Time Warp executes a chop. Time Warp takes him down with an Asai moonsault. Time Warp executes a chop. Time Warp nails him with an octopus hold. Moon Dog Gator manages to escape the hold after being trapped for 5 seconds. Time Warp attempts to place Moon Dog Gator on the turnbuckle, but Moon Dog Gator blocks it.] VM: Moon Dog prevents Time Warp from hitting a high impact move. [Time Warp takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Time Warp attempts to place Moon Dog Gator on the turnbuckle, but Moon Dog Gator blocks it. Time Warp goes for a dropkick to the knee, but Moon Dog Gator counters it with a side step. Moon Dog Gator executes an elbowsmash. Moon Dog Gator executes the D-Dog-T.] VM: And there's Moon Dog's finisher. That DDT into the 2nd turnbuckle. JV: Aren't the turnbuckles padded? VM: yeah, why? JV: So wouldn't that hurt less than ramming him into the mat? VM: Well I guess it kinda whips the persons head back which makes it hurt more. JV: Yeah, right. [Moon Dog Gator throws Time Warp out of the ring. Time Warp is busted wide open. Matt Compton sees the blood and stops the match.] VM: Oh My!! Moon Dog throws Time Warp head first into the guardrail from the ring, and blood gushes everywhere. JV: This is great, blood in all the matches so far. MD: Da winner is Moon Dog Gator in a time of 6:29. VM: Well we've had a great card so far and we've got one last match. Let's go up to Mike Ditka. MD: Ok, dis last match is a no-DQ, no-countout, no-time limit, table death match. The only way to win is to drive your opponent through a table. He den has to get to his feet before da ref counts to ten. Now, from London, England, weighing in at 275 pounds, da man wid da hideous scar on his throat, Dr. Hate!! ["How Do I Know?" by Leather Strip plays as Dr. Hate walks down to the ring as fans boo him.] MD: His opponent, being led to da ring by his manager, Da Paramedic, from Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at a whopping 375 pounds, here is "Hardcore" Billy Talent!! ["Ready, Steady, Go!" by the Mieces blares as "Hardcore" and the Paramedic make their way to the ring. "Hardcore" stops to talk to a couple fans wearing Hardcore T-shirts.] VM: And here come the roadies with about 50 tables for this match. Tables provided by Tables R Us. "Whether you need dining tables, coffee tables, end tables, kitchen tables, picnic tables, banquet tables, multiplication tables, water tables or tables to smash your opponent through, come to Tables R Us." JV: These plugs are getting tiresome. I'm surprised we didn't have to do a plug for the handcuffs in that Roboto/Bacon match. VM: We didn't?!?! [McMihn quickly goes through his notes.] Here we go. "Handcuffs for the Doug Bacon vs. Mr. Roboto match were provided by Sam's Sex Shop! Whether you're into B&D, S&M, D&S, or anything else, Sam's Sex Shop has the tools for you!" JV: You don't happen to have an address for that do you? VM: You make me sick!! [Hardcore Billy Talent attacks Dr. Hate before the bell. Hardcore Billy Talent nails him with a legsweep.] VM: And Hardcore isn't even waiting for the bell to ring. JV: If you're gonna attack your opponent before the bell rings, hit him with something more than a legsweep. [Hardcore Billy Talent nails him with a cartwheel kick. Hardcore Billy Talent whips Dr. Hate into the turnbuckle, but Dr. Hate reverses it. Hardcore Billy Talent comes back, but is met with a kick to the midsection.] JV: The Doctor is not amused. [Dr. Hate goes for an octopus hold, but Hardcore Billy Talent counters it with a hiptoss. Hardcore Billy Talent throws Dr. Hate out of the ring.] VM: And what's Billy going to do here? He's running to the far ropes, rebounds off them and is coming back, AND JUMPS!! [Hardcore Billy Talent jumps onto him with a Hardcore Airline, but Dr. Hate moves out of the way. Hardcore Billy Talent is out cold.] VM: And a costly mistake as Billy's head slammed right into that guardrail. JV: This match should be over. Put him on a table and drive him through it. [Dr. Hate whips Hardcore Billy Talent into the guardrail. Dr. Hate executes an abdominal stretch. Dr. Hate throws Hardcore Billy Talent back into the ring.] JV: What are you doing, you idiot?!?! The tables are on the outside!! [Dr. Hate nails him with a rolling kick. Dr. Hate whips Hardcore Billy Talent into the ropes, but Hardcore Billy Talent reverses it. Dr. Hate misses with a kick.] JV: Uh-oh. I think I see hardcore getting wiled up. [Hardcore Billy Talent nails him with a superkick. Hardcore Billy Talent places Dr. Hate on the turnbuckle. Hardcore Billy Talent takes him down with a top-rope DDT.] VM: Big top-rope DDT there. But Dr. Hate staggers back to his feet. [Hardcore Billy Talent executes a palm blow. Hardcore Billy Talent nails him with a spin kick. Hardcore Billy Talent executes a back heel kick.] VM: Billy Talent's kickboxing background coming into play there. [Hardcore Billy Talent whips Dr. Hate into the ropes. Dr. Hate hits Hardcore Billy Talent with a kick. Dr. Hate goes for an octopus hold, but Hardcore Billy Talent counters it with a hiptoss. Hardcore Billy Talent yells "Who's Hardcore?".] JV: Definitely not you. You haven't done one hardcore thing yet! [Hardcore Billy Talent nails him with a superkick. Hardcore Billy Talent executes a palm blow. Hardcore Billy Talent takes him down with a tilt-a-whirl suplex.] VM: More of that kickboxing followed by that Tilt-a-whirl suplex. Dr. Hate is trying to shake out the cobwebs. [Hardcore Billy Talent attempts to place Dr. Hate on the turnbuckle, but Dr. Hate blocks it. Hardcore Billy Talent takes him down with a palm blow. Hardcore Billy Talent goes for a thrust kick to the head, but Dr. Hate counters it with a duck-down move.] JV: That was fortunate for Hate. He got hit with that palm blow, and fell down just in time to miss the thrust kick. [Dr. Hate whips Hardcore Billy Talent into the ropes. Hardcore Billy Talent bumps into Mark Matarese.] VM: And down goes the Reverend Matarese. JV: He's a reverend? VM: Yup. JV: So why is he a referee for the bloodiest wrestling show in existence? VM: Haven't figured that out yet. [Hardcore Billy Talent misses with an elbow.] VM: And now Dr. Hate runs to the ropes. [Hardcore Billy Talent hits Dr. Hate with a backdrop. Dr. Hate falls out of the ring.] JV: And it looks like Talent is going for that Hardcore Airline plancha of his. Can he connect this time? [Hardcore Billy Talent jumps onto him with a Hardcore Airline, but Dr. Hate moves out of the way. Dr. Hate whips Hardcore Billy Talent into the guardrail.] VM: No! And to add insult to injury, Dr. Hate whips him into the guardrail. [The Paramedic comes from behind and distracts Dr. Hate. Hardcore Billy Talent knocks Dr. Hate into the ringsteps.] JV: Dr. Hate is at a disadvantage on the outside. He has to worry about Billy and The Paramedic. And Paramedic was ready to hit Hate with that Steel Stretcher of his. VM: And since these are no-DQ matches, nothing would've been done about it if Paramedic did interfere. [Hardcore Billy Talent goes for a tilt-a-whirl suplex, but Dr. Hate counters it with an enzuilariato. Dr. Hate sets up a table. Dr. Hate sets up Hardcore Billy Talent on the table.] VM: And the Doctor is the first person to try to put his opponent through a table. [Dr. Hate executes a moonsault through the table. The table didn't break.] VM: Yes, at Tables R Us, we only sell high quality tables. Field tested to support up 650 pounds! [Dr. Hate nails him with a rolling kick. Dr. Hate sets up Hardcore Billy Talent on the table. Dr. Hate executes a moonsault through the table. The table is broken in half.] VM: And though the table they go. Now Hardcore has to stand up before the Reverend Mark Matarese counts to 10. [Mark Matarese counts: one, two, three, four,] JV: Hardcore is rolling around in pain, but he hasn't tried to stand up yet. [five, six, seven,] VM: The Paramedic trying to help Billy Talent Up, but Mark Matarese pushes hin away. [eight, nine, ten.] VM: And Billy Talent is unable to answer the ten count. JV: "Hardcore" Billy Talent showed us that he is neither hardcore nor talented. MD: Da winner is Dr. Hate in a time of 5:02. JV: You know what sucked about that match? VM: What? JV: No blood. Every other match had blood spilled except that one. VM: Well you can't always get what you want. JV: But if ya try sometimes, VM: You just might find, JV & VM: You get what you need! JV: It's really scary how we think alike sometimes. VM: Well that wraps it for us this week here on SWF Slaughterhouse. We won't have a show next week due to the PPV on the 11th, but we'll be back on the 17th from the nations capitol. JV: Where in DC? VM: The card will be live from the mall. For those of you unfamiliar with DC, the mall is the park area between the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and the Smithsonian Museums. JV: Wow an outdoor event. That ought to be fun. VM: For Johnny "The Muscle" Ventures, I'm Vance McMihn saying so long from the Superdome.