I've decided that I will try to write again, if only just so I can go back sometimes and remember how ridiculously retarded I am.  Its something to move forward from, while I laugh disparagingly.



Its been a hell of a last few months.  For today though, only two things.



One, I have a secret.





I would like to play guitar again.









Two, I read through the few entries I've compiled here thus far.  And, despite the overwhelming feeling that I SUCK BUTT, I've managed to glean a few at least slightly intelligible ideas from what's past.  For now I'll just focus on what has been bugging me the most - questions perhaps more than ideas.  How is it that such horrible things can happen, can be part of you, and yet... there's still such a thing as love?  How can you love through hardship?  Is it real or even possible?  I look at you now and think, well yes, of course it must be, but looking back is different from looking forward.  And it makes me so very wary of the things in front of me and ahead of me.



I think that its for sure sometimes, I am a worry-er, I worry too much, I'm afraid of anything and everything.  Then the next minute I am throwing caution to the wind and I think jesus christ who is this person of contradictions and convolution, so mother fucking difficult I don't know what to do with.



And I think they lie when they say you figure this shit out in high school!  Ha ha!



I love him, I do.



I just wonder about love sometimes.  Life is so curious only to end the way it does.