i think its time to go home.



i'm exhausted but i still haven't slept, even though its 5 in the morning and i know that soon people will be waking up to start new days and i'm still in yesterday. i just can't get out of yesterday. i can't get out of this fucking horrible shit i'm in, i just can't, its fucking awful of me because i really thought, you know, i really was maybe trying to believe that i could be stronger than this, i really did.



i can't fucking sleep, and all i can think about is killing myself to get the fuck out of here.



i think its time to go home.



i'm so miserable and i hate myself for it. its not any body else's problem, its my problem, i can't expect to lean on sadness as an excuse for my sorry life the last three years, i can't. but i can't fucking get away from it and i hate it.



i have no friends here. no family, at least not how i think of family. i have justin but i can't lean on him only, i can't make him feel this sad, i just can't. i don't want him to hurt because of me, i'd just hate myself worse. i feel horrible already having him take care of me for so long. its awful, he tells me i'm so strong but fucking look at me i mean jesus christ, i'm hardly together enough to be human here. i feel anxiety about everything. i eat too much or i don't eat at all. i can't sleep worth shit and when i do sleep i'm out practically entire days. its all wrong with me, the whole lot of it, and i just don't want to do it anymore. i want to go home.



i want to get the hell out of here and go home and be happy again.



i thought at first i was still depressed because of mom, and sometimes i am still so deeply sad about her that i can barely move for missing her life in mine. but i'm getting used to it. i thought at first i was too scared to go home because i'd miss her so bad. i do miss her that badly, but there was never anything to be scared about. i thought at first it was a good decision i'd made, to get away from life as i knew it, to make a change, to be my own woman. it seems maybe, really, i thought wrong. i should have been more scared of this. i should have known it might be a mistake.



maybe i shouldn't have gone home for christmas, or maybe i shouldn't have stayed home so long when i did go. maybe i could've made it through this, then. but i went home and i remembered so much happiness while i was there, even though yeah everyone misses her and tita and yeah things aren't the same. my friends are still there, looking to see me, to know me, my family is still there. my big, huge, amazing family that i love so freggin much, i thought i could survive another year away but its impossible, just mentally impossible right now. i'm this fucking close to trying to kill myself again and if my car fucking worked the whole thing might've been over already - i tried to let myself freeze outside tonight, its supposed to be like -30 but by god it just isn't fast enough, i'm too scared of it, you'd never realize how bad it hurts to be so cold until you are and its all fucking horrible and i was too scared to stay out.  too weak.  but in my car it could be quick you know, i could just go as far as i felt safe so no one would find me, i could run my car off the mountain or into the lake, i could get back on the american side and just die in a podunk town where nobody would know me and nobody would care.



there's just no mercy trying to live here anyway. i thought i was a nice person, easy to make friends with, but i guess i'm wrong because even though i try my best to be kind i still feel like when everyone looks at me here they just can't accept me. when i look into their eyes i feel lower than meat, i feel judged and wrong and i don't want to do it anymore. i can't even hold my head up when i go outside, do you know what that feels like? i can't even find power in anonymity, this place is so small you can't go anywhere where you don't know somebody - i don't know anybody and i still can't feel like just another person, just any old jane. it feels like shit.



why did i have to be the kind of person that needs to learn the hard way?



i feel horrible. i don't feel like myself. this isn't me, i know it isn't, i know because i went home and i was happy and i felt life in me again, and then i came back and its all gone.



justin is gone too and now its all falling right apart, this horrid stack of shit i've let pile on my heart for three years.



and i feel horrible for justin, what a pain, what a drain on the heart i must be, what a drain on the soul, the way i am right now. i want to go home and be happy so i can love him with my whole heart. not a troubled piece of shit on the fucking edge of madness. when he left and i was in LA, i missed him but i wasn't sad, not like this. i realize now he's all that holds me up while i'm here. and i'm sorry for that. truly sorry. i'm sorry justin. to be hurting you like i surely am this way, i'm sorry. i wonder if you feel like this when you're at home with me. i hope you don't feel like this when you're at home with me.



because it would break my heart to know that there's this barrier between us on both sides. and yes i'm anxious about this too, this feeling that we can't belong to each other in each other's worlds.



it fucking tears me up.



i wish i could talk to someone about all this but i don't even know who to call.



its fucking awful this shit i'm doing to myself.



i was supposed to be smarter than this.



i just want to be happy.