maybe today i just felt like being alone.

i keep thinking of old loves, dreaming up romances that maybe i had just dreamt up in the first place.  i've been thinking of the way i used to be and all the words i used to say.  i used to have so many words.  they would just spill out of me, from me, in me.  maybe the words were all i had.

maybe when i am alone the words come out, when i am truly lonely, when i go home and there is no one there waiting for me - the words are waiting instead.  the words and my old ways, that old me, those old loves - maybe they are all waiting for when i have a moment, solely mine.

i am lonely here.

i dream of the water.  of the sun.  i dream of family, ties of blood and ties of love.  my old 'sisters'.  my former lovers.  my mother.

i hear her footsteps in the rooms of my sleeping mind.  i see her face, no longer broken and distorted, and i am glad of that.  i hope that i am stronger. 

i see their bodies, but i can't close my eyes in my dreams.  i see the empty shells of what i used to know.  i see the true depth of my many loves, and i wonder if they see it when they look into me.  i wonder who can see me, who sees the hearted sleeve and who sees the heart hidden behind my very breath. 

i wonder why i haven't written in so long, while my desire has never waned.

i wonder why i see you now, when i haven't in so many years.  why do i still nightmare when there is someone i am so in love with holding me fast?

its only 1pm here.  i wonder why its so dark and cold.

i can barely remember the words to the songs i used to sing.  my own songs.  they are so far away from me.

i feel so very far away from me, sometimes.

i wonder who i am now.  who i have become.

i don't know if its any closer to who i've always wanted to be.

i wonder who i might be tomorrow.

i must be tired.  all this wondering, and no doing.  all this talk and no action.

maybe that's all i used to be.  a big pile of words going nowhere, stuck in a lonely space.

maybe that's all i still am.