sometimes i think that maybe i'm still in denial.



that she's not dead.



like i just haven't seen her in a very, very long time.







praying like this again, with everyone, it brings back memories.



i can almost hear your voice leading us, leading me.



i can hear your clear amen.  amens.



i bow my respect and you give me your hand, i stand, and i feel our cheeks kiss.  i can feel it again.  you tell me you love me.



then its the click of your heels on the hardwood, every step a sound etched in my heart.



you walk away and the memory is gone.  the moment is over.  the prayer resumes.  my father's voice drones over me, i can't fight my way back to whatever i had, they're too loud, i can't hear you anymore, i can't smell your perfume or see the face that gave me strength.  i'm in this room with everyone but you.



i want to believe that i just haven't seen you in forever.  but its just not true, is it?  its wishful thinking to an idol that doesn't deal in realities.





i cried tonight.  i forgot it was possible to cry so hard.