- THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come
out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in
the bowl.
- THE CLEAN SHIT The
kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl,
but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
- THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happends when
you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you
suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
- THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as
"Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to
strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
- THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary.
- THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so
enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first
breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
- THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the
morning after a long night of drinking. It's most
noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
the toilet bowl after you flush.
- THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT"
SHIT The kind
where you want to shit, but even after straining your
guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped
and farting.
- THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power
Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so
fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
water.
- THE LIQUID SHIT That's
the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and,
at the same time, chronically burns your tender
poop-chute.
- THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own.
- THE CROWD PLEASER This
shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you
have to show it to someone before flushing.
- THE MOOD ENHANCER This
shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
- THE RITUAL This
shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
- THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should
be recorded for future generations.
- THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so
powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the
next 7 hours is affected.
- THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the
presence of another person.
- THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
- THE FLOATER Characterized
by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
- THE RANGER A
shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often
the only solution is to push it away with a small piece
of toilet paper.
- THE PHANTOM SHIT This
appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit
to putting it there.
- THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't.
This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience
and muscle control.
- THE BOMBSHELL A
shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is
either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a
root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
- THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into
a frightening position - usually harmless.
- THE OLYMPIC SHIT This
shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a
close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
- THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety
but is always deposited either in the woods or while
hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
- THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small
turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you
actually CAN'T shit.
- PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative
induced. Doesn't count.
- SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
- ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still
Going" shit.
- THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast,
you barely get your pants down when you're done.
- THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it
plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor.
(You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
Shit.)
- THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so
much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out
sideways.
- THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY
ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The
shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can.
Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time
afterwards.
- THE PORRIDGE SHIT The
type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on
coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or
(b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there
helpless.
- THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER"
SHIT When the bag
of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.
- THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY"
SHIT When you drop
lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
- THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to
as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the
poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin
and gasping for air.
- THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL
DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where
you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going
to smear all over the place.