Funny Stuff Other Stuff
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The Enlish Patient..err, Paper Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor
at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form of
composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you
will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back
and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. ------------------------------------------------------------- STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she
wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile
was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------ (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But
before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon
4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,
with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her
sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully. --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to
live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through
the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor,
stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh
shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING
TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels." ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Asshole. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Bitch. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Wanker. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Slut. --------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Get f****d. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Eat s**t. -------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. ************************************************************* (Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one. |
