1. VICTIM

I feel the motion of the car before I open my eyes.
The air is blue-black, brown-black, black-black.
Smell of gas, oil, animals.
I'm in the trunk.

My wrists and ankles tied.
Tape over my mouth
it almost covers my nose
but I can breathe barely.
I must have been here for hours,
everything's stiff and my head throbs
like someone's drumming on china.

The car stops.
He turns off the motor -- but there are no traffic sounds.
No people sounds. No wind. What place has no wind?
I turn my head towards the sounds
like people watch radios when something terrible happens.

My palms are sweating. Where am I?
The trunk squeaks as he lifts it up and the sun blinds me.
He almost looks like a faceless Jesus surrounded by light.
He pulls me out of the trunk and bangs my head against the door.
I try to cry out, but it comes like a hum.

He drags me, half-standing, along a dirt road into a house.
I can't see any other houses and it looks like a farm.
The screen door bangs behind me and I feel a deep, deep pressure inside.
All the rules have changed here.

I'm dragged down a hall like a bag and I look for a phone, other doors.
Nothing but bare floors and brown boxes in small rooms.
He pulls me into the bathroom
and I almost crack my head as he pushes me onto the floor.
Tilts his head to the side and gazes at me
as if I was a pet then walks out.

I'm lying there for a long time, trying to get the tape off of me.
My eyes are tearing. I don't make a sound.
I can't get up and I keep rolling from side to side, trying not to make noise.

I've got to get him to talk to me.
If I can get this thing off my face I can talk to him.
I'll tell him my name.
Have you killed other women in here?
I'm thinking you've got hundreds of them nailed down,
hung on walls, hanging from ceiling fans
swinging dead in summer wind.

Why did you pick me?
If I had stayed to finish at the library
I would have been there twenty minutes longer
maybe I'd have been OK.
Would have rushed into the house, books piled up in my arms like a baby,
and blurted explanations why I was sorry.
So sorry I'm late everyone.

Would you have waited for me anyway?
Would you have picked another woman?
Would I have read about her in the paper and said
oh my god, I was there that night...
and called all my friends in a panic.
Telling them then how much I loved them
as if I'd never have the chance again.

I wonder what everyone is doing now. Putting up signs.
Showing my picture on the evening news. Calling old friends.
Maybe I'm not even considered missing yet.

The family will fall apart and my parents will go crazy. Slowly.
My brother will be so quiet at the funeral and insist the casket be closed.
(I never even told anyone what kind of funeral I wanted when I died.)

Maybe years from now they'll find my skeleton
on the floor here and they'll have to use dental records to identify me.
My family will say "At least we know now.
We always hoped she was alive somewhere.
We just hope she's in peace."

When I sleep my dreams are crazy -- I'm flying over fields.
I don't think I sleep for more than twenty minutes and when I wake up,
it feels like I'm under a heavy blanket. I'm still here.

As I wake up I hear a dog barking in the distance
and I think I'm in my parents' house in South Carolina.
When I open my eyes, there's a shotgun pressed between them.
I'll never get married.
I'll never have kids.
I'll never go to Europe.
I'll never learn to play piano.
I'll never write a book.

The last thing I hear is a click.


2. BELFAST

You lick her diamond and kiss her pearl
but you can't get the Belfast out of the girl.
This is how you throw her, you think you know her.
Make up your mind as she makes up her face
she'll never really know her place.
You'll lay on her frame and give her a new name
and bless her with all you can spare.
Empty as wire, violent as fire
you'll carve her out of thin air.
She's crashed home and cruised your world
but you can't get the Belfast out of the girl.
She hasn't left you yet but she will
by airplane ticket or kill-me pills.
Sewn into her dress, she can't refuse
(careful what you love, what you abuse).
She knows violence, she knows please
her hands for cuffing and she says nothing
and hooks her hands behind her knees.
You fuck her flag and feel it unfurl
but you can't get the Belfast out of the girl.
Twist her arm til she's cries uncle
crawling through your bedroom jungle
turn off the light, time to succeed
she's China glass, there to bleed.
Her lovely throat, her lovely cough,
white eyes are smoking, black sea is broken,
she's already destroyed, just finish her off.
Hold down her hand and see it curl
but you can't get the Belfast out of the girl.

3. RIDE

Slow slow quick quick slow -- ride.
At any moment, you know,
your manufactured cool could blow.
Welcome to the land of pointless and destructive.
You keep whining and crying into your beer,
complaining the reception doesn't come in clear
(you just can't make a connection).
What are all the pretty people on?
No one ever learns to speak American.
There are only so many Kung Fu movies you can watch.
Haircut, hometown, heroin friends.
You make excuses, you should make amends.
Who do you call for help when all your friends are dead?
Now they're calling to you from the bar,
and they're fucking with your film noir
and you wear your hope like Christmas.
Now I don't know how to break this to you
but her blue eyes were never blue.
So now the good times are gone but really, they never arrived.
The terrycloth's beneath the tie
and another liar's caught in a lie.
"I love you" hangs in the air like a subtitle.
There's a war going on inside the bar
she calls for the check, you call for the car.
And when you kiss her she tastes like hot candy.
Now you're just left to wonder
how she sized you up in three minutes or under.
She's out of your league, you're out of your mind.
Things only feel true
when someone's abusing you.
You are sometimes startled you are never surprised.
There are only two speeds: fast and faster,
now you're lashed to mast and lashed to master.
Whether you're in bed or in court, everybody gets off.
So she smokes to keep from eating
and you fuck her to keep from feeling
and this is a taste, and this is a waste
and these are all of your days sacrificed.
You're rocking out in an empty room
you've built your house, it's become your tomb.
Mmm thanks, she says, I'll keep my options open.
Now you're nervous with hope, nervous with fear
she's barely gone, and you're barely here.
Here comes the cocaine wakeup call.
And like a boy, not a slave to fame
you kissed lipstick only after money came.
Born in New York 30 years ago, you've died several times since.
Drive through tunnels and crawl through caves,
and suffer through a life no city can save.
They've got an unmarked car with your name on it.
So she smoked to keep from eating
and you fucked her to keep from feeling
and that was a taste, and that was a waste
now these are all of your days magnified.
Style over content. You know the other.
Keep slugging it out in the superstructure.
If you love something, chances are you can't afford it.
Forget what's ahead and what's past
and live every day as if it were the last.
The dead man never knows he's dead.


4. THE AMBITIONS ARE

you don't trade money here
you trade information and skin

right now there are thousands of forgotten people 
trying to remember you

children are killed because they write
an enemy's name backwards on the wall

young girls tie ribbons around their slender throats
trying to keep their heads on

chocolate boy walks to ice cream truck for vanilla cone
is shot dead three times
this city kills its young

the angels all have guns now
the angels aren't anyone you'd want to pray to

no one here has goals like get a job, get married, have kids
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
no desire to get rich, become famous, move out
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing

every woman who walks by is every woman you'll never have
beautiful, quick and poisonous as mercury

this city is full of women, slim and busy
hoping there is room in some man's life for them

women sort through the dead bodies like bags of laundry
with exhausted mama eye
sigh because they are too dry for tears

people huddle in kitchens clasp their hands
celebrating 
something has tried to kill them and failed

nightclub men twitch
too subdued to recognize apocalypse

you have driven these streets a thousand times
and all they offer is their exhaustion
your nightmares have your name now
you exit the glitter storm, go home alone
and embrace the violence instead

this city has claimed all your blood and memory
this is cool and unusual punishment

you go for years without touching another
never think of the why
you are so casual about brutality

doctor says "take this it'll settle you down"
doctor says "take this it'll settle your system"
doctor says "take this we'll settle the bill"
doctor says "take this it'll settle the score"

there's a voice in the loudspeaker and she speaks your language
doesn't need to stay, can disappear when the wife walks in
(here comes the interrogation room scene
today's the day you're gonna get caught)

you're terrified of what you crave
don't get delighted they want you scared
the sweet things don't stick around
but the bullshit lasts forever
please press pound
you're dual-channelling for new friends
or just new things to envy
who's running the machine you run on?

wish you had someone to speak code with
wish you had someone to steal things for
wish you had someone to fuck you so you could finally go to sleep.
you just want to die a little bit.

ink and paint is making you faint
in your pale pale shirts, stolen from uptown stores.
watch the girls in the twin sweater sets 
smoke, cough, throw up.
teeth-scraped knuckles are a telltale sign.

get in the car get in the car get in the car
and what you hear is the sound of impact.
turn around slowly and check your body for bruises.
there is no one here to take care of you.

open-mouthed, waiting for a candy kiss 
and all you get is rain communion.
between lap dances and laptops
you seek girls who fuck like they're boneless.

you're 38 and your job is telling 14 year old boys
what to think is cool.
are you laughing? they are 

and this one is a fire and that one is a flame
and this one is a spark and that one is a match
you put out in your mouth when no one was looking.

and in your dreams your grandparents live forever 
and you throw your love into the air like glitter
swallowing stars, spitting up stardust.

mothers wring their hands and say: "I'm so at a loss."
best friend says "I have come not to praise you, but to destroy you with my bare fucking hands."
the girl on the television says: "you all work for me now."
boss says: "c'mere, let me hit you just once."
man on the street says: "I can make any woman kill herself in a year."

so you drive your dead body home at night
and when you sleep 
the angels' kisses are mercury mercury
breaking love into lust
grinding pearls into dust.



5. DROWN




I am sick with this
his scent swims around me
like a perfume too heavy for summer
me lost thing
intoxicated
curled within him
drowning over and over
charmed disarmed
he comes when least expected
sits too close
lingers too long
stares too deeply
and claims me with something I cannot name
lightheaded and clean
this is a gift
biting tongue until blood
I am sick with him
talk goes no deeper than tonight
words are tickets to spend time
skin is talking to skin
loud
I know not to go too deep
but when his hands stop
tremble, temptation
I thrill back
open up
crawl walls
this woman is no man's
this man is no one's
this one is mine
in a full room, alone on a couch
he is throned
doesn't move
knows I will come
smitten
it vibrates
makes drinks tremble
food wastes time
cigarettes are for curling smoke
and drawing me in
this is bloody business
guilt makes for poor postcards
so he comes in for a while
what do we know of this?
doesn't know if he'll be allowed to stay
but he looks a while too long
and stirs the close air
dragging me to the bottom of the lake
couches are for excuses
and temptation
crushed in too deep to breathe
swoon again skin you do not know
with hands that know too much
of what you must never say
flesh to curl to grind
to feign sleep to balance wishes
on tongues and wait for the time
now
cozy he calls me
says I smell like sweet cream
closed eyes bring on a luscious film
of time and silence
he tastes like stars
he feels like thunder
regret makes you bitter
he says
come in and swim
we disappear into a dusk
we'll never own
and never quite shake
a luscious slice
of water
lack of sleep makes me drift
lake of sleep makes me wonder
he will exist
he will evaporate
I am sick with him, gone
in regret dreams he is low and sweet
dark like a drift storm
holding me down under the waves
telling me not to talk
not to move
this will only take an hour
or two


6. HOLY

I eat only sleep and air
and everyone thinks I'm dumb
but I'm smart because I've figured it out.
I am slimmer than you are
and I am burning my skin off little by little
until I reach bone and self
until I get to where I am essential
until I get to where I am
Food doesn't tempt me anymore
because I am so full of energy and sense
I can even pass by water now
because I am living off the parts of me
that I don't need anymore.
I could feel the slow drips of pain before,
swirling inside where my lungs should have been.
Now I'm clean inside.
I threw out hundreds of things that I didn't need anymore.
All my dresses and bras
stupid things like jeans and socks.
Most days I float through the house naked
so I can see myself in the mirrors.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
and they talk back to me all the time.
They keep me true and pure.
They make sure I'm still here.
When I knew what I had to do
I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
and ate them page by page
so I could take my words with me.
I can finally control my life and even death
and I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe.
This is my greatest performance
and all of the actresses who won my parts will say
how wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
how wonderful to go on this kind of journey
and not care if you come back to tell the story.
I scratch words on the walls now
so people will visit this museum and know
how someone like me ends up like this
(they'll say there is art in here somewhere).
Everything that comes out of me is sacred
every tear, every cough, every piss.
Everything that comes off of me is sacred
every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair.
Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones
against the windows at night.
I light candles and feel myself evaporate.
This body is a little church, a little temple.
You can't see me now because I've gone inside.
My family doesn't call anymore.
My friends don't call anymore.
You can't hurt me anymore.
They can't hurt me anymore.
Only I can. And that's okay.
I don't need them anymore.
I can live off of me.
I speak to me.
I dance with me.
I eat me.
When they find me, I'll have a little smile on my face
and they'll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground
and say they don't understand.
But I do.
I don't hurt anymore.
I'm not lonely anymore.
I'm not sad I'm not pretty anymore.
I made it through.
I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing.
Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I'm doing fine, I'm
almost there.
Every day I get a little closer to vanishing.
Some days I can't stand up because the room moves under my feet
and I smile because I'm almost there,
I'm almost an angel.
One day when I am thin enough
I'll go outside
fluttering my hands so I can fly
and I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you
silently
like wind.


7.  YOU ARE NEVER READY

In four minutes you will be gone and I must to tell you why.
When a star crashes, the angels are electrified.
Your life changes in ways you can't imagine.
When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines and leave you
dizzy.
When you first discover you're dying, everyone seems to be saying
goodbye.
When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines.
You must change your life. You are never ready.
There are people you have to leave behind, they just dirty up your
mouth
they don't value your treasure.
You fall down, you kiss up, you love them, it's not enough.
They're nothing special and you're such a gift.
If you had no magic here you'd be just like everyone else.
Imagine the tragedy.
Love is like crying like writing like dying you've got to do it alone.
I know it's tragic to be tender
I know it's dangerous to be kind
I know it's vicious to care.
Listen to me, I know what's going to happen to you.
You don't need a window, you need a fire escape,
you'll need a skylight to get to where you're going.
I can't tell you where.
And you dream that you are hollow
and you dream that you are whole
reconstruct what you remember
and it comes out in pieces.
Those below you can't hold you up
everyone is gone gone gone
everyone is gone gone gone.
Learn to swim alone learn to fly.
Cast them off like long rope and learn to swim the dark water alone.
Look up to the stars stars stars and know that this is your sky now.
Lift your arms and go
step forward in Nureyev leap
blink fast and whirr over streets
hover over trees
speed past taxis
don't even bother to wave
at the children who watch you
awestruck
brushing past skyscrapers
and looking up up
slip off the long skirt
that slows you down
and don't look back to watch it
billow to earth
tell the cool jets and Superman
that you're passing them
feel your hair stream back
wind blinding you
forcing your dry mouth open
no one can touch you now
get out of this fucking world
as fast as you can.

8. METAL EYE
Secretly I'm dead inside
You know what you're doing, you know what this is about.
You look in her metal eye, you kiss her platinum mouth.
Like frozen chrome and mercury thigh
you kiss her mouth, as cold as a prize.
She's a dying machine so bless her skin
and bless the nightmare she's living in.
Open your mouth all that comes is desire
she wants to die with her eyelashes on fire.
She hides her star and turns her ring around
she hides her wires when she goes underground.
She knows what she's doing, she's almost done.
You think this is tragedy, she thinks this is fun.
She's the girl you don't understand.
She's the girl with the see-through hands.
When she was born there must have been a spark
but there's nothing there now in her cold chrome heart.
She watches you flourish, she listens to you fall
She sees you scrawl your love in blood on the wall.
She bites the bullet so watch it go off
and watch it explode in her platinum mouth.
Don't bother peeking at what's under her dress.
You should know by now she gets by with less.
Your last night together, desire arrives like a terrorist.
When flesh meets metal all that breaks is the fist.
At 3,200 degrees platinum liquefies.

9. THIRST

Your mouth as necessary on mine as rain on the desert
(I remember thirst).
I remember unloading guns beneath a complex heaven
(they cut into my dreams).
I remember how bitterness tasted
(it was sometimes sweet).
Now in the black black behind your sleep
I am trying to hold your oceans
I am struggling to sparkle in your sky
I will collect your snowfalls in my arms
and watch them unfold.
In the North, you ache with loss
and wish for a sick day
to curl yourself away and cry.
The warmth of your voice
now burnt with loss
and everyone knows.
Everyone knows you are far too far too transparent
to hide away such a wanting.
Now whom is needed
and whom is needful?
You are older than I
but hand yourself over
a bird nestling into my hand.
"I am broken, I am broken"
you say as I stroke you to sleep.
Making tea of desperation
I know you are sterling.
No, I won't tell them.
No, I won't share you.
I am killing myself trying not to care.
I know you're too fine for this.
They've raised your hopes
now they've come to dash them.
Let me throw you deep into the stars
so you can see your heaven
and speak to your dead.
Lay on me the hands that never kill.
Stain my skin with breath
laced in coolth and stun.
Trace my form in the dark until it glows.
You are younger than your years
and I am older than mine.
Some midnight I will meet you in the midst
and cross your palm with my mouth.
Come here little bird,
let me lick your feathers back.
Come here to your complicated cat.
I have done my best to steer you away
now I swim in blame and sleep in fear.
When we go public, my china bird,
I'll let you tell the story.
When you hurt me
I won't let it show.


10. CURSES

This is noise, this is curse, this is talk,
this is red, this is pale, this is ache, 
this is last, this is slow, this is shock, 
this is thrown, this is fire, this is break, 
this is snow, this is witch, this is spell, 
this is cut, this is final, this is fine,
this is moon, this is tide, this is hell,
this is hers, this is theirs, this is mine.

Feels like storms, feels like thunder
feels like storms, feels like I'm going under.
Here comes the slow going, here comes the pain
I fade out like a ghost, and run out like the rain.

All you know of heroines is what you read
sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed.

There's a red red howling, down my dark hall
I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all.

Nail my knees together, this time it's not about you
you have no power here, you don't know what I need
I'm giving in, I'll get there in a box
turn away, now let your legends bleed.

Drag a slow line down my leg
to my mouth from my thigh
show it to the police and the priests
so you can say that you tried.

I'm half alive, barely worth keeping
I rule the bed, soon I'll wake up sleeping.
Curses....curses.

This time it's different, this time it's close
this time it's between the spine and the skin.