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Inga: She's from Sweden! Doesn't speak much English.
William T. Smith: The glass shop guy. Also believed to be an
alien.
Alexandra: Ainsley's alter-ego and one of the heroines of the
play.
Louise: Deborah's alter-ego and the other heroine of the play.
Pim: An aardvark who never actually appears on stage.
Elizabeth: A psycho cabbie who thinks the fish are watching
her.
Office Lady: A wierd person who works in the school office.
Mr.Base: A frightening physics teacher.
FBI�guys: Secret Agents
Wilbur: A duck.
Setting: On a street watching cars pass.
At opening Alexandra and Louise are standing on the sidewalk.
Alexandra: I wonder where Pim is? I can't believe you lost
him again!
Louise: Well...he's a very sneaky aardvark, you know how they
are!
Alexandra: You know, you really shouldn't feed him so much chocolate.
Louise: I know, but he so cute when he begs for chocolate, and
I just have to give in!
Alexandra: Do you know what time they said the exchange student
was coming?
Louise: They said she'd arrive before school, but the bell's
about to ring.
Alexandra: There's a taxi, I think she's coming.
Louise: Aren't those taxi drivers crazy, though!
Alexandra: Yes! I know. I once spent a whole hour trying to
get a taxi driver to understand that I did not want to go to the airport!
Louise: They're really dumb! Hey look, there she is!
[Enter Inga]
Inga:(very heavy swedish accent) I am Inga...From
Sweden.
Alexandra: Hi Inga! I'm Alexandra, and this is Louise. So, how
was your flight?
Inga: I am Inga...From Sweden?
Louise: Um...Let's go to the office!
[Exuent]
Setting: In the office, by a desk. Office sounds: telephones, photocopiers,
fax etc.
Alexandra: (questioning)Hello?(to friends) I hate
the stupid office!
Louise: I know, no one ever listens to us! sniff, sniff!
Inga: I am Inga...
Alexandra: (tapping fingers on desk) I wish I had a service
bell.
Inga: ...from Sweden.
Louise: Uh, right.
Office Lady zips by, slams a sheet of paper down on the desk, and
runs away.
Louise: Hey!! Was that the secretary?
Alexandra: Umm...I�think so!
The same office lady enters again. This time she grinds to a halt
and stares at Louise, Alexandra, and Inga.
Alexandra: Excuse me... Um... Hello?
Office Lady: (in a distracted manner, looking around suspisciously)
Oh, yes...How may I help you?
Louise: This is Inga, the exchange student. Where is she meant
to be going now?
Inga: I am Inga...from Sweden.
Office Lady: Uh, yes. Inga...DUCK!!!!!!
Office lady ducks behind office desk, only to resurface moments
later.
Alexandra: What the heck was that about?
Office Lady: (calm, cool, and collected) What? Now, Inga...yes.
You can head right into the principal's office.
Office Lady zips away. Louise and Alexandra push Inga into the principal's
office.
Louise: Darn it! We have to get the glass now!
[Exeunt]
Setting: Inside "Smith's Glass, Plumbing, and Key Shop".
Alexandra and Louise enter sheepishly. A bell rings loudly overhead.
Alexandra:(in hushed tones) You first.
Louise: Um...
Alexandra pushes Louise ahead.
Alexandra: I asked last time.
Louise:(to William T. Smith) Uh...Could we have some glass for
our...um...science project? Er...please?
Smith: Glass? We don't sell glass here!
Alexandra and Louise turn red, look flustered, and back towards
the door.
Smith: (laughing) Just kidding!
Nervous laughter from Alexandra and Louise.
Alexandra: Uh...yes...well, we'd like three pieces of glass,
please. These are the measurements.
She hands him a bit of paper with measurements for the glass on.
Smith looks at it for a minute.
Smith: These are big pieces of glass. What do you want them
for?
Louise: Um...They aren't that big, are they? Er...Our project
is studying sound travelling through glass.
Smith: Wait a minute! What are these, centimetres? Is this metric?
Alexandra and Louise look around worriedly.
Alexandra: Um... yes, but the conversions are written on
the other side of the paper.
Smith:(turning the paper over) Pheww! I just can't understand
the metric system at all.
He starts cutting their glass. Louise and Alexandra look at each
other in amusement, then gaze around the room.
Smith: (handing them the glass, wrapped in brown paper)
Well here you go. That will cost sixteen dollars. (He walks over to an
extremely old-fashioned looking till machine) I bet you girls haven't ever
seen a till like this before!( He pulls down a huge metal handle on the
side of the till to open the cash drawer) That's it then.
Louise hands him the money, and he gives them the receipt.
Louise: Thanks very much!
Alexandra: Yeah, thanks!
Alexandra and Louise head towards the door.
Smith: Just make sure you wear gloves when handling that glass,
and if you want it cut into smaller pieces just bring it back, and ask
for me!
Alexandra: Thank you!
Alexandra and Louise leave the store. The bell rings again as they
leave the stage.
Setting: Just outside "Smith's Glass, Plumbing, and Key Shop".
It is snowy, and Louise and Alexandra walk round in circles, rubbing their
hands together, etc., to keep warm.
Alexandra: Well he was a bit strange, don't you think?
Louise:(sarcastically) Yes...just a bit!
Alexandra: I mean he was very old-fashioned!
Louise:Yes. Did you see his signature on the receipt?
She shows the receipt to Alexandra.
Alexandra: It doesn't look much like a signature! It's just
a scribble!
Louise: I know.
They stare at it a bit longer.
Louise: You know, I don't think this is a signature at all.
I'm sure it's some kind of picture, or symbol, but I don't know what. It
looks sort of like a frog!
Alexandra: Um...Louise...I think I�know what it is! It's
a spaceship, see.
She points to various parts of the diagram.
Louise: I think you're right. But why would a strange old
man, in a glass shop which has obviously been here for years, draw pictures
of alien spaceships, instead of his signature? (jokingly) You don't suppose
he is an alien, do you?
Alexandra:(seriously) Well actually, that's exactly what I was
thinking!
They look at each other, then back towards the shop, then to each
other again. They nod their heads with worried looks on their faces.
Louise: Um... Well...(she pauses, unsure of what to say)
Alexandra: Here comes our taxi!
[curtain]
Setting: The back seat of a taxi cab. Louise and Alexandra climb
in, still holding package containg glass. Louise is clutching the receipt.
Louise: (to cab-driver) Could you take us to Prince of Wales
Collegiate please.
Cab-driver (happens to be Elizabeth): Yes, of course, are you
catching a plane, or meeting someone?
Alexandra:What? Um...we aren't going to the airport.
Elizabeth: Yes, yes. The airport. It's always busy there on
Tuesdays.
Louise and Alexandra look at each other in frustration.
Louise: That's Prince of Wales Collegiate please.
Elizabeth: Right, the airport.
Alexandra:Uh...no. (very slowly) Prince of Wales, on Oak Street.
Elizabeth: (also very slowly) The Airport, on Airport Drive.
Louise:(angry)We are not going to the airport!
Elizabeth:What?...where?
Louise: (still angry, screaming) Prince of Wales, Prince of
Wales!!!!!!!
Elizabeth:You mean you aren't going to the airport?
Alexandra:(holding Louise back) Just please take us to Prince
of Wales Collegiate
Elizabeth: You're dead certain you don't want to go to the airport
then?
Alexandra:YES!
Elizabeth: Fine, if you're sure.
Louise:(still angry) We're sure!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Oak street, right.
Alexandra and Louise flop back in their seats, while Elizabeth drives
the taxi to school. Alexandra and Louise whisper.
Alexandra: Well that took long enough, I wonder what's wrong
with this cab-driver?
Louise: She's very strange, maybe she's related to Mr. Smith!
Elizabeth: Fish!
Louise: What was that?
Elizabeth: Nothing!
Alexandra: Um... yeah. So, like we were saying... We should
go and get that decibelometer from Mr. Base when we get to school. We can't
do our science project without it.
Elizabeth: The fish are watching me!!!
Alexandra: Excuse me?
Elizabeth: Nothing!
Louise: Oh, uh... hey! There's the school. You can just drop
us off here.
Cab stops. Alexandra and Louise pay Elizabeth and get out.
Alexandra: Remind me not to take those airport cabs again.
Louise: Yeah... what a psycho.
[Exeunt]
Setting: inside a classroom. Desks, chairs and classroom things abound.
Mr.Base is standing behind a large desk, center and slightly upstage, possibly
at an angle. He is holding a decibelometer. Alexandra and Louise enter.
Alexandra: Uh, hi Mr.Base.
Mr.Base just stares at the two girls. Louise bursts into a fit of
insane giggles.
Alexandra: (poking Louise in the ribs with her elbow) Uh...
we're here to get the decibelometer.
Mr. Base remains silent for several moments, while Louise and Alexandra
look around nervously.
Mr. Base: Oh!�This one.
Louise: Yes...
Mr. Base holds out the decibelometer. Alexandra reaches out for
it. Mr. Base grabs it back.
Mr. Base: Whoops! I�forgot to take out this battery.
You girls will have to buy your own.
Alexandra and Louise turn red and look embarrassed.
Sound of gunshot is heard. The girls duck as the decibelometer crashes
out of Mr.Base's hand and falls to the floor. He kneels next to the decibelometer
and, picking up the broken shards, he starts sobbing.
Louise runs toward the sound of the gunshot. Alexandra stays behind
to comfort Mr.Base.
Alexandra: Uh... We're real sorry about your decibelometer
Mr.Base.
Mr.Base continues to sob.
Mr.Base: (wiping tears) Millie deserves a proper burial.
Louise: ( walking over from window) Uh...yeah...um, there are
men out there, with guns, um...dressed in black trenchcoats.
Alexandra: What?!
[Enter Inga]
Inga: (with accent gone) Did I�hear gunshots?
Mr. Base: (sniffing) They shot Millie!
Alexandra:(pointing) Yes, a shot came from the window over there.
Inga looks worriedly towards the window, then beckons Louise and
Alexandra out of the room. They leave Mr. Base sobbing on the floor.
A whistle and a shout of "TAXI!"� is heard offstage.
Scene opens in a taxi. Louise, Alexandra, and Inga are in the cab.
Inga: Take us to the airport, quickly!
Elizabeth: AIRPORT!
Alexandra and Louise look at each other and groan.
Louise: Wait a second ... Inga, what happened to the accent?
Where are you really from?
Inga: Uh...(with accent again) I am Inga!
Alexandra: Let's stop this charade, shall we. I know you're
wearing a mask.
She reaches over and pulls at Inga's face. Louise bursts out laughing.
Inga: (screaming) OW! Stop that! I'll tell, I'll tell.
Alexandra: (sheepishly)�Oh. . . so you're not wearing a
mask. My mistake.
Inga rubs her face.
Elizabeth: FISH!
Louise, Alexandra, and Inga: (in unison) SHUT�UP!
Inga: I�guess I should tell you what's going on. My name's
not Inga and I'm not really from Sweden. I'm Kate Halford, from Chicago.
I'm running from the FBI.
Alexandra: Why? What happened?
Inga/Kate: Well...I guess I can tell you guys. But you'll have
to promise to take this secret to the grave.
Alexandra and Louise: (in unison) We promise!
Kate: It's this huge government conspiracy! If word of this
ever got out, it would make Watergate and Whitewater seem like child's
play.
Louise: Just tell us what you're talking about.
Kate: Well, okay. The Pentagon has been trying to cover this
up for years.
Louise: (impatiently) What?
A "quack, quack" is faintly heard from a bag on the seat
next to Kate.
Kate: Well, I guess that gives it away.
Alexandra: Gives what away? Um...that you carry a duck in your
purse?
Louise bursts out in insane laughter.
Kate: (whispering) I'm transporting smuggled ducks. I've
been trying to save them from the radioactive waters of Lake Mawagawa.
Louise and Alexandra look at each other and burst out laughing.
Kate: It's no laughing matter, you know. The Pentagon has
been covering up radioactive waters in seven different states. It's been
going on for years now.
Alexandra (Louise is still laughing): What are you going
to do now?
Kate: I have to escape to Europe with Wilbur here, before the
FBI catch me.
Police sirens are heard.
Alexandra: Here's the airport. There's a plane leaving in
five minutes. You'll have to be quick, and don't give Wilbur away to security.
(to Louise) Stop laughing, you idiot. We have to help Kate. Come on!
[curtain]
Setting: In the airport. The theme to "Mission Impossible"
is playing. Kate, Louise, and Alexandra run in. Kate has Wilbur under her
arm, quacking wildly. The three girls run around the airport frantically,
ocassionaly bumping into each other. After a minute, they all crash into
each other in the center of the airport, and Wilbur flies(is thrown) into
the air. He is caught by a very nervous Alexandra.
Alexandra: (handing Wilbur back to Kate) Here you go.
Kate: Thanks.
Three FBI�agents come in. They are waving guns around.
Louise: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Alexandra:(whispering to Kate) Run, Kate! We'll distract them!
Kate runs off. Alexandra drags Louise over to the FBI�agents.
Alexandra: (very slowly) Hello!
Louise starts laughing (again!)
FBI�guy: Out of our way. We have to stop that duck-napper!
Alexandra pretends she sees something.
Alexandra:(pointing behind the FBI guys) Hey! What's that?
A spaceship?
FBI guy:(turning) What? Where?
Alexandra: Right there!
The three FBI agents turn around. Alexandra runs away, dragging
Louise, who is still laughing.
Alexandra: Let's go see if Kate caught her flight.
Louise and Alexandra look out into the audience, wave (as if to
Kate in plane).
Louise:(yelling) Bye Kate!
Alexandra: Good luck!
Suddenly they look puzzled.
Alexandra: Is that what I think it is?
Louise: AAAAAAH!�A spaceship!
Alexandra: Louise, um...is that who I think it is?
They look at each other.
Louise and Alexandra: (in unison) MR. SMITH!!
Eerie music from Twilight Zone is heard
Louise: We've forgotten about Pim!
Alexandra: Shoot! We'd better go and find him. You know what
happened last time he ran away.
Louise: Don't remind me. I'm still paying back Cadbury's for
all the eggs he took!
Alexandra and Louise groan in unison. Exeunt.
END
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