Random Thoughts
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Only fools generalize. What would Q-tips be shaped like if we all had three ears?
Verbal contracts aren't worth the paper they're not written on. They should make a TV show about a masked oncologist and his Indian sidekick and call it "Kimo Therapy." Or one about an (same premise as above) orthopedic surgeon and call it "The Bone Arranger."
IUD: Driving drunk in reverse.
Do you know how to make a paperweight? Assassinate the President right before deadline.
They reformed REO SPEEDWAGON with three black players and renamed the band, "OREO Speedwagon."
The guy wasn't necessarily a mama's boy, but, if you asked her how old he was, she would say, "431 months."
If God had meant man to count, He would have given him an infinite number of fingers.
I read that CATHY LEE CROSBY hot-wired an old Rambler and took off. The headline read, "Crosby Steals a Nash."
My dog got his tail torn off in a dogfight, so I took him to the veterinarian. The vet said that it would be $300. I asked him if that was wholesale or retail.
I remember back when people rented their phones and bought their houses.
A religious zealot trained his dog so that, if you said, "heel," it jumped up, put its paws on your forehead, and prayed.
He was so diffident that he knocked when he went to the grocery store.
I cut my lip on some sharp cheddar cheese.
I'm so sick that I thought of a perverse way to suffocate a dolphin.
Does anyone know the capitol of Bulemia?
How 'bout sitar-shaped pasta from Chef Boy-ar-dee: 'Ravi Shankar Oli."
It's difficult to
disappoint a cynic.
She was hotter than the nose of a one-eyed guy lighting a cigarette.
My mother's refrigerator was like a food museum. She uses the Buddhist method of cooking: Everything you eat had a previous incarnation as something else.
Did AL KALINE do acid?
"And on the seventh day, God rested." But he wasn't paying child support.
There seems to be a plethora of dearths lately.
Is the national anthem on SANDI PATTY'S greatest hits album?
I can't remember if I used to have a good memory or not.
They arrested him for not having a poetic license, and the judge sentenced him to five years saying it was "poetic justice."
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Cheerleading is what little girls do because they look totally silly playing basketball.
The astronaut was so paranoid that he locked his module when he landed on the moon.
I wonder what HELEN KELLER imagined passing gas sounded like.
I opened a suicide note shop, but I couldn't build up a return clientele. And the ones who did come back were totally pathetic and incompetent.
The gunman burst into the stationery store, unnecessarily yelling "Freeze!"
I'm the kind of guy that people are always trying to give their used clothes to.
Quit your griping, fix the rivet in your lawn chair, sit on the deck of your trailer, and thank God that Darwinism doesn't work any more.
Was THE UGLY DUCKLING an inadvertent fowl?
A friend of mine (TRISH) asked me recently if, when darkness falls, does it hurt? I responded, "Not as much as when day breaks."
I broke up with a chick once because she was flirting with a guy at a production of "OTHELLO."
If you ever decide to sell a dictionary of pig Latin on the Internet, "To EBAY or not to EBAY, that is the question."
When I was a kid, I always slept in my sneakers because, if I took them off, my mother would put them in a garage sale.
I bought a new pair of sunglasses that are so dark that when I wear them I don't recognize anybody.
POSTSCRIPT
"Give thy thoughts no tongue."
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, from HAMLET
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