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If you were a war bride, the author would appreciate it if you would answer her |
"Mary Rose O'Donnell"
Love Under Fire, The War Brides
by
Alice Bateman
CHAPTER TEN
Hello, Diary. I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve sat down to write in you. Six months at least… It’s late fall again now, the summer came and went in a haze of blood and pain. It felt funny to see Robert’s name in here – I let him go. Told him there was no point in waiting around for me to make up my mind, and he must have been transferred, because he hasn’t even been back for a visit since. I substitute the word transferred, because I refuse to think that he’s dead, although I know very well that is highly possible.
We’re still in the same position that we were in before, our little field hospital, but there are rumors that Hitler is getting closer, and we might have to fall back, maybe leave France entirely.
I’ve come back to you tonight, sitting under the cold stars and a full moon, to tell you that I think I’ve found THE man for me. I know, I’ve already talked about a few men, but there’s something very special about this one.
His name’s Nathan, he’s the new radio operator, came here about three weeks ago. Ironically, after all the men I’ve pushed away, Nathan doesn’t seem very interested in me. But oh diary, I just can’t stop thinking of him. He’s on my mind first thing in the morning, last thing at night, all during the nights that I just can’t sleep, all day, every moment.
I try to catch his eye, and he just smiles and looks away. Goes back to his work. He’s always tinkering with his equipment, taking it apart and rebuilding it. A couple of times I’ve looked up and caught him giving me a considering glance, but not nearly as much or as often as I’d like him to.
He makes me feel physical sensations I’ve never experienced before. Not a sexual longing like the ones Theo brought to life inside me, but sort of like, when I say Nathan inside my head, it seems to set up a resonance inside me, beginning in my heart and radiating from there through my whole torso. Sometimes I say his name over and over inside my head, to keep experiencing this delightful sensation. The closest thing I can think of to describe it is as if there are thousands of tiny butterflies living in my heart, and one sight of Nathan, or just hearing his voice, can bring them all to fluttering life. Or just repeating his name inside my head, like I already said.
This excites me very much and scares me to death at the same time…. All I want from life is a man to love, a home to live in, and a family. When I think of having these things with Nathan, my whole being comes alive.
And he doesn’t seem to be interested! I’ve lost track of the young men since Robert who have shown a decided interest in me, but Nathan, the first one to grab my heart with no anticipation or encouragement, seldom exchanges more than a few words with me.
I don’t know what to do, Diary. I really feel that Nathan is the one… How on earth can I let him know how I feel, if he’s not interested? But how can I possibly keep this to myself for much longer, either? Every time Sarah {a chum here} accuses me of being stuck on Nathan, I stick my tongue out at her and tell her to shut up, especially if he’s anywhere within hearing range! While my heart pounds with the strength of the love I feel for him.
Yes, that dreaded word Love again rears its head… How can anyone ever know for sure what love is, what it means? If it’s not love I feel for Nathan, than I don’t know what it could possibly be. The times I have caught him looking at me, I’ve blushed furiously, and had to turn away to hide my red face from him.
I know I’m finally over Theo. And that was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to live through in my eighteen years. Oh, I just turned nineteen at the end of August! I feel like an old woman half the time, and like an innocent girl the rest. Even with what I felt for Theo, and with the attentions of the men who pass through here, I’m still a virgin, waiting for my wedding night.
There are so many passionate and short-lived affairs here, and every month one or the other of the girls seems to be afraid she’s pregnant. One girl actually was, and was sent home when she began to show her condition. I so often think of that conversation with Auntie Flo about her baby, and wonder what will befall any of the girls that do get pregnant with no marriage documents. I pray that Ellen’s family understood her situation.
There is a pervading feeling that we could all be dead tomorrow, so what’s the use of saving ourselves? But I’m a very old-fashioned girl, and I couldn’t have sex with some man that I had no serious intentions towards. I want to do things right. I haven’t even let any other man hold my hand or hug me or kiss me since Robert was here six months or so ago. But oh, how I’d so dearly love to hug and kiss Nathan… If only he could see it, and feel the same way about me...
My head is saying to me "patience, patience..." and I’m saying back, how can I be patient when I know that the world as we know it could change in a moment? When Nathan could get new orders tomorrow, and be sent to another country?
Now the Voice in my head is saying, "Be still, Mary Rose, all things will be as they should be, don’t worry so."
"Yes," I answer the Voice, "but will it be as I’d like it?"
No response this time. I’ve still been struggling with my beliefs in God, but my foundation is built on a oneness with Him, so it’s not something that I can lightly throw down. I know He has His Purpose for everything that happens, but I just cannot see why people have to go to war, to kill so many, to horrifically wound and shatter so many more. What could be the Divine purpose in this?
Yes, of course, to eliminate the insanity and evil of Hitler and his troops, but how in God’s world could someone like Hitler gain so much power? I don’t understand this at all, and all the praying I’ve done about it hasn’t brought me any answers, either. The only answer, which I am forced to accept for lack of any other, is that mankind was given free will. Free to attack and hate and kill each other. Free to terrorize whole countries, intimidate and slaughter tens of thousands of people.
If I was God, and if this is what free will leads to, I think I’d be tempted to take it away again. But of course I’m not, and have to endure what this world throws at me. I am simply a humble soul stuck in a horrible time and place. Why does life have to be like this? It certainly is not anywhere close to what I pictured when I was a little girl!
In all the stories, as soon as the young woman meets the handsome prince, they both know they’re meant to be together for the rest of their lives. Why isn’t it that way in real life? Nathan certainly does not look like he feels anything for me that I feel for him! What am I going to do about this? Be bold and tell him the effect he has on me? Maybe I’ll have to, life is too short and uncertain to keep this bottled up inside me much longer.
I’m yawning now, it’s getting very late, and morning comes too early. I’m always exhausted, never get enough sleep, and now I’m sitting here spending valuable time when I could be in bed writing in you, Diary.
I’ll try to get back to you sooner next time, and let you know if and when anything happens between myself and Nathan. I hope and pray that it does. Good-night, Diary.