--Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
--We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
--The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probablility that you'll get it wrong.
--It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
--Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
--You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
--If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
--Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.
--The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
--Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
--Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
--Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
--As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
--When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your check, that's a moray.
--A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
--It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
--The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
--Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
--I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
--I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
--When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Light travels faster than sound, this is why some people appear bright until they speak.
--Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
--Save the whales! Collect the whole set.
--A day without sunshine is like... night.
--Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
--On the other hand, you have different fingers.
--Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
--Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
--I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
--When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
--Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
--Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
--I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
--He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
--She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
--You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
--I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
--Honk if you love peace and quiet.
--Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
--Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
--Atheism is a non-profit organization.
--He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
--Have you ever stopped to think, then forgotten to start again?
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