The Nature of Trust
by Mre
Rating: G
Archive: Someone actually wants this? (Sillygrin) but only where Anne Higgins'
Bonding Through Years can be found--the universe is hers, after all...M_A,
of course! I'd be honored.
Warnings: Not beta'd, so the only thing I can guarantee is spelling. Even grammar
is suspect. No spoilers, I don't think, unless you didn't already know about
Xanatos.
Summary: Obi-Wan helps his bondmate deal with the fall of Xanatos.
Feedback: Oh please oh please oh please - [email protected]
Disclaimer: Characters belong to The Powers that Be (George Lucas and LucasFilm
come to mind; I'm not sure who else). Universe belongs to Anne Higgins. Mistakes
belong to me. There is no money made from this--the only payment requested is
feedback. Be gentle, my Masters, I know not what I do...
Notes: Based on how I read Bonding Through Years I'm assuming Obi-Wan
is maybe ten years old. It's set sometime after the events in Menelaus,
another wonderful vignette fic for this AU by Laura JV (borrowed here without
permission OR knowledge). I'm also assuming that Mace Windu is not a member
of the Council yet. This is sort of my tribute to the wonderful Anne Higgins,
who has created one of my very favorite Q/O AUs around. She's explained to me
that what I've written here will be contradicted by her own take on this portion
of Qui-Gon's life (oh Force, make it soon!) but she did encourage me to post
it anyway. Thanks for the kind comments and inspiration, Anne!
Final word: and now to the 'fic...
Something was wrong.
It pounded in his head, in his heart, thrummed in his veins. It pulsed
where his bond to Qui-Gon would be, if he hadn't withdrawn as usual for
the daily 'saber practices with Master Windu.
Ignoring the practice match before him, turning his awareness inwards,
Obi-Wan sent his thoughts winging to his bondmate.
//Qui-Gon?//
A firestorm of grief and horror hit him like a shock. In a tiny corner
of his mind that was not lost in the maelstrom of despair, Obi-Wan was
screaming for his bondmate, anyone, anything that could end the terror
that engulfed him. Thoughts swirled around him, too fleeting to grasp.
Vision flared: Xanatos with 'saber raised against...
//QUI-GON!!// Obi-Wan screamed into the darkness that was their bond.
Crystalline shields cracked open. //Obi-Wan?//
Finally, finally Obi-Wan could feel his bondmate. He held onto the
mental presence with the strength of desperation, fed his own terror
into the link before he could contain it, felt his bondmate's self-
loathing redoubled. //Not him...not him too! Never...//
With a wail of purest despair, Obi-Wan was flung from contact and--for
the first time in his short life--was alone in the silence of his mind.
"Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!"
The voices swam in and out of focus. He blinked eyes suddenly gummy with
strain. 'Focus,' he told himself and pushed away from the training mat
he'd collapsed against...or tried to, before his shaking arms betrayed
him and he fell again.
The pressure of silence in his head was overwhelming. Always there had
been a presence that whispered Qui-Gon to his senses. Now, there was
nothing. It was unbearable. It was unnatural--it was WRONG...
With a growl he reached for Qui-Gon, searching for the all-important
link to his bondmate. He found a fortress of shields blocking him off.
Obi-Wan battered against it, desperately seeking a way to reach his
other half and failed. And failed. And failed...
"Obi-Wan, what has happened?"
That was Master Windu. 'Master Windu will help' was the only thought
he could pull together. "Muh-muh-master W-Windu," he hiccoughed through
the wracking sobs tearing through him. "He won't let m-me in. I c-can't
feel him at all!"
"What is wrong? What has happened to Qui-Gon?"
He couldn't stay focused. Somewhere deep inside, he denied it was
possible--nothing could happen to his Qui-Gon, he was eternal and
unchanging and nothing would happen to Qui-Gon. The very thought made
him nauseous. The greater part was terrified that he would be alone with
the echoing emptiness of himself forever. //Qui-Gon...//
Mace stiffened. One moment, the sparring apprentices had been working on
the second movement with barely a flicker of Force around them. In the
next heartbeat, a storm of Force energy flared in the practice rooms.
A cursory glance proved that it was not coming from the sparring pair.
'But who--'
An agonized cry from the other side of the circle brokered a dawning
comprehension. The apprentices were clustered worriedly around a
collapsed Obi-Wan. 'Sithspawn!' Mace cursed, already moving towards the
boy.
"Obi-Wan! What has happened?" This was bad. His pupils were dilated and
he was shivering in the beginnings of a catatonic shock. Mace knelt in a
flurry of robes and resisted the urge to shake him to awareness. Instead
he concentrated on projecting calm and serenity at the apprentice,
ignoring his own mounting fear. 'The Council sent Qui-Gon to Telos with
Xanatos...'
Obi-Wan's response was not what he expected. 'Sithspawn!' Mace cursed
again, 'What does Qui-Gon think he is doing? He's supposed to shield
during 'saber training, not block the bond completely!'
When the boy collapsed again in true shock, Mace retained the presence
of mind to call for another master to take over the 'saber practices
while he carried the unconscious apprentice to the Healers.
Once tucked into a bed at the Healers, Obi-Wan curled into a tight ball
that radiated hurt, clutching a pillow forlornly as though its presence
could fill the emptiness in his mind. Mace turned from the bedside with
a sigh. With a soul-bond set so early, the Healers could not be certain
of anything.
'Sithspawn!' he cursed, for the third time that day. 'What in hells is
going on in Telos?' Again, he wished that the Council were not so
secretive of the missions they sent the Jedi upon.
"Knowledge great a burden is," Master Yoda's grave voice filled the
room. "Bear this in mind you should, if the Council you would question."
Feeling rather as though he were an apprentice being taken to task for
some wrongdoing, Mace resisted the urge to act like one and knelt to
face the diminutive Master.
"My apologies Master Yoda. I did not realize my concerns were writ so
large."
"Troubles you, the boy does. Expected it is," Master Yoda continued in
his enigmatic way. "A disturbance in the Force have I sensed. Thought I
but one there was but young Kenobi focus of another is."
"Then I was right," breathed Mace. "Something has happened to Qui-Gon."
"Of a certainty." Master Yoda said no more.
"But what could have caused him to block off Obi-Wan so completely?"
The silence stretched between them as no answer could--or would--be
given.
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on the pillow then relaxed, trying to make
it look like he was still unconscious. He kept his eyes tightly shut,
hoping he would be left alone so he could think, listening with all
his might for any sign that the unwanted watchers had left so he
could...he didn't know what he would do. All he knew was that he was
alone with this terrifying silence in his head.
"Alone you are not."
A heartbeat of stillness, then the boy turning in his bunk to face the
Master who remained. "Yes I am." The tearful whisper thundered in the
air, his grief almost palpable in the room.
"Alone you are not," repeated Master Yoda. "Alone he is," he added
before turning to leave.
The cryptic statement pulled Obi-Wan from his misery. "Master Yoda, what
do you mean?" Anger flared, as a quickly extinguished by a waterfall of
sorrow. "I'm the one he blocked out. I can't feel him at all."
"Protection does a shield offer, but concealment also its purpose is."
With this final offering, the diminutive master left the apprentice to
his thoughts.
What did that mean, really? Obi-Wan knew better than to dismiss Master
Yoda's statement out of hand. He was the most senior of Masters on the
Council and was famous for his insightful, if slightly off-tangent,
comments.
Tears threatened, but he was tired of tears. They could not express the
depth of his despair and helped nothing. Determinedly, he blocked off
that part of him that wanted to curl up and shut out the world and tried
to puzzle his way through the words of Master Yoda.
Almost unconsciously, he settled into a meditative pose he knew from
years of observing Qui-Gon. A tiny portion of his mind wailed at the
agony of that remembered closeness, but with a maturity that outweighed
his years he banished it from his thoughts. He would find an answer
then he would fix it and then Qui-Gon would come back to him. He
refused any other possibility.
He sank into meditation, nearly desperate to unravel the threads of
meaning hidden in Master Yoda's discourse.
Concentrating on the deep drag of his breathing, Obi-Wan let his mind
wander. The key was in shields. A shield was protection--it blocked
enemy fire and diverted danger. Shields prevented hurt to the one
holding them.
That was important, but his mind turned to another idea and he let it
go for the moment. He was being blocked by the strongest shields. He
could not get through them. Shields prevented him from feeling Qui-Gon,
they concealed his bondmate behind their diamantine facets. That was
another part of the puzzle.
For a while he drifted between the two realizations, content to merely
contemplate them as he waited for the answer to surface to where
consciousness would recognize it.
'Alone I am not,' the thought came to him and suddenly he knew. A shield
worked both ways! His bondmate was concealed, but then so was he... Both
were sealed away from the other. Obi-Wan knew where he could find his
Qui-Gon: behind the shields. Qui-Gon would even more alone than Obi-Wan
himself because he could not sense even that much. Qui-Gon's shields had
sealed him into his mind alone. 'Alone HE is.'
Obi-Wan fell out of his contemplation with a rush. Being alone had HURT
and he didn't want his Qui-Gon to feel that agony at all. He had to
break through that shield--had to let his bondmate know he was not
alone.
He gathered the ragged bits of his strength to him and dove back into
the soul-bond, determined to batter through that stubborn blockage until
he could feel his other half again.
Obi-Wan was getting tired and he was still no closer to breaking through
the shields. He'd pounded until his mind was raw to no avail; the block
remained stubbornly in place.
Well, he could be stubborn too. If he couldn't break it down, then he
would wait until it came down. Satisfied he was doing something, Obi-Wan
settled down to outlast the shields.
The Healers called the Council when it became evident that the meditative
trance was far deeper than could ordinarily be reached by most
apprentices of Obi-Wan's age group. He hadn't moved for most of the day
and Mace was almost frantic with worry, for Qui-Gon had not been heard
from in as long.
It was clear to the Council that something terrible had befallen the
absent Master Qui-Gon. It was also plain to see that the echoes of it
was hurting the soul-bond. What was not clear were the circumstances of
the incident, the whereabouts of the Jedi and the current state of the
bondmate they had in hand. If the Council had access to more information, they were sparing of it to the rest of the Jedi. Instead,
they assigned Mace to monitor the boy, guessing that his original bond
with Qui-Gon would allow him to connect with the boy.
It was getting easier to set the boy apart from his own pain at the loss
of Qui-Gon, he mused. He was an attentive student and had a positive joy
for learning that was quite refreshing. It was only in moments like this
that the hurt of loss resurfaced. Reflecting ruefully that it was
neither here nor there to contemplate the past, Mace concentrated on
monitoring Obi-Wan on as many levels as he could reach.
Obi-Wan stared at the shields that refused him passage.
He remembered all the times Qui-Gon held him when he was scared. He
visualized the hugs until he could feel their warmth wrapped around
him...
...and concentrated on the shields.
With little effort, he rehearsed all their favorite rituals. Calling his
Qui-Gon 'Quigee,' the 'forgotten' birthday gifts, the affectionate
argument endlessly re-enacted prior to a mission off-planet without him...
...pushing the bright memories against the shields.
Which trembled.
Encouraged, Obi-Wan continued the mental review of every moment they had
spent together, special for that very reason. He was so caught up in the
memories that he almost missed the moment the shield thinned enough so
he could see his Qui-Gon behind it.
With a cry of purest joy, he flung himself against the disintegrating
shields and into the warmth of his bondmate, lost in the wonder that was
their soul-bond.
//I thought you'd be asleep// Qui-Gon sent hesitantly, as though he
hadn't meant to be found.
Obi-Wan didn't budge from the mental hug he had swarmed into. //Waited
for you.//
Something was still wrong. Qui-Gon was not all there--a wall hard and
high screened behind him that prevented Obi-Wan from reading him at all.
Secure in the presence of his bondmate and confident he would receive,
an answer, Obi-Wan decided to ask. //My Qui-Gon, what happened? You were
scared and then you hurt and then you blocked me out and then I hurt!
Did something bad happen to Xanatos?//
Behind the wall fear stirred, he could sense it now. Without thinking,
Obi-Wan reached past the wall and heedless of Qui-Gon's hiss of denial
touched the heart of pain.
Memory exploded to include him and he saw--
--Xanatos inciting bloodshed, Xanatos causing pain, Xanatos' father
crumpled at Qui-Gon's feet, Xanatos fighting Qui-Gon--
--Xanatos outlined in a halo of Dark power--
--and Obi-Wan knew.
//Why does Xanatos look like that?// he asked instead and sent the
image of Darkness, absolutely certain Qui-Gon would never lie to him.
Hesitation. //Xanatos touched the Dark Side when we fought,// came the
whisper. //He turned to the Dark Side.//
Oh, that was awful-bad. Just last week Master Yoda had spoken about the
dangers of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan didn't understand it all yet but he
knew it was very bad. No wonder Qui-Gon was so sad.
//Is that why you wouldn't let me in?// Involuntarily, he shuddered at
that icy void in him.
//I'm sorry I hurt you.// Warmth flowed, easing the chill.
//Why?// Obi-Wan persisted.
//Because it was my fault. I failed my Padawan. I--//
Unbidden the thought sprang loose. 'I might fail you.' Guilt, self-
loathing, shame, deep-seated fear, the emotions battered at Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan let his absolute trust in his bondmate seep into the bond,
flooded Qui-Gon with acceptance and understanding, love and the utter
conviction that he was certainly worthy of it all and more.
//I lost Xanatos to the Dark Side.//
//Xanatos left you and choose the Dark Side.// Obi-Wan pointed out with
admirable calm. //I wouldn't do that. I could never do that.//
//Oh, my precious imp, what did I ever do to deserve you?//
Obi-Wan knew Qui-Gon was crying and reached to hug him better the way
his bondmate had always done for him.
//You'd better come home as soon as you can,// he sighed. //Everyone is
worried about you.//
A wince, quickly soothed by a wave of warmth. //I have to report to the
Council.//
Oh, the pain was still a draigon tearing at the heart of Qui-Gon, but
the hurt was less that it had been.
//You have to give me a hug.// Obi-Wan corrected through relieved tears.
Startlement, then a thin grain of amusement. //Imp.//
//Quigee.//
A rush of tears at the familiar endearment. //I'll be home soon, little
one. We'll talk after I meet with the Council.//
//Love you.// Obi-Wan eased into rest wrapped tightly in the soulbond.
Mace slipped from contact as quietly as he knew how. He shouldn't have stayed
once he had known that contact with Qui-Gon had been established. It had been
an intensely private moment for the bonded pair, but he had not been able to
withdraw without calling attention to himself.
He looked down at the sleeping child, letting the memory of that absolute trust
wash away the bitterness at his own pain over the loss of Qui-Gon. With a sigh,
he surrendered the last of his regrets to the Force and turned to leave. He
had to report to the Council. There would be repercussions from the events of
this night.
He drew strength from the knowledge that Qui-Gon would recover with the aid
of Obi-Wan.
~end~