What To Trust

by Mercutio ([email protected])

Betrayal. That was what Obi-Wan felt now.

A master could not betray his apprentice. Not when they shared a training bond. Not if Obi-Wan was willing to bring up anything that seemed to be going wrong, and he was, even if they'd only been master and padawan for a short span of time.

If you shared some knowledge of another's true thoughts and feelings, and were willing to talk to them, what more needed to be done? Wasn't that the recipe for a good relationship?

He would have thought so. Had thought so, before today.

Obi-Wan glanced at the door, frustrated. He was hiding in his bedroom. Well, perhaps 'hiding' was a bad word. One didn't hide from Jedi masters -- the Jedi masters in question could usually be counted on to be quite good at finding. Particularly when Obi-Wan's bedroom was a part of Qui-Gon's suite. It wasn't like Obi-Wan had retreated very far.

And yet, in a way, he was hiding.

He could not go out there again. Not without wincing. It was too painful. Too unsettling to be at odds with his master, if at odds he was.

Obi-Wan remembered the conversation he'd had with Qui-Gon only minutes ago. He'd heard the gossip while at the noon meal, away from Qui-Gon, and had wasted no time in confronting his master. He would not believe the gossip. Not without asking his master if it were true.

He didn't know if that meant that he could blindly believe Qui-Gon. If the gossip were true, then he could not trust the Jedi master. And it seemed... scarily plausible.

Obi-Wan had close access to Qui-Gon, as his padawan. He saw things other people didn't, and was privy to moments other people would not have witnessed.

And, it seemed, that it could be true. That his master could be...

He shook his head.

In any case, it didn't matter. When Obi-Wan confronted Qui-Gon, the dialogue had been unsatisfying.

"I want to speak with you," Obi-Wan said, as he re-entered their quarters after the noon meal, and found Qui-Gon studying.

Qui-Gon had smiled at him. A smile Obi-Wan could not return, not without feeling traitorous.

"What do you wish to discuss, padawan?"

"I heard. In the refectory. About what happened with your second padawan. I wanted to know if it's true."

To his surprise, Qui-Gon had not asked him what he'd heard, or, for that matter, explained the situation to him. Instead, he said, "Believe what you wish. I have only discussed it in detail with the Council. I have not spoken about it since, and will not."

'Will not'. That was both a reproof and a sign that his master considered the conversation to be closed.

Obi-Wan was not satisfied. He was also his master's apprentice. He could live with the rumors, if they were true, knowing that Qui-Gon had always treated him honorably. But he deserved a fuller answer, needed a fuller answer if he were to continue as Qui-Gon's padawan. "I can't believe anything if I don't know what the facts are."

Obi-Wan stared intently at Qui-Gon, willing him to understand that. "I don't know what to do or what to believe."

"You must do as your heart and your instincts tell you, Obi-Wan. I cannot advise you on this."

Couldn't advise him on this? The rumors he'd heard had bitter edges. Obi-Wan knew a little about Xanatos, the second apprentice. Qui-Gon had told him a few spare facts after taking Obi-Wan as his padawan. Obi-Wan had accepted those. But then, eventually, they'd returned to the Temple. Where, it seemed, a host of people were willing to tell Qui-Gon's apprentice about the realities of life with his master.

The wildest accusations had Qui-Gon seducing Xanatos. Destroying the master/apprentice relationship, and abusing it in a way that should have been unthinkable. Was unthinkable to Obi-Wan if he were to trust Qui-Gon as his master. How could he give himself over to Qui-Gon, surrender his body and soul to training and teaching if it were true that Qui-Gon's interests lay not in producing a Jedi knight, but rather, a dependent lover who worshipped where there should have been respect, who followed blindly and never questioned the lack of something precious?

Something precious that Obi-Wan could not define, but knew he would be losing if Qui-Gon were truly like that. If he truly was a predator, and had little interest in Obi-Wan as anything other than prey.

Their relationship, brief as it was so far, argued against the truth of the rumor. Obi-Wan liked Qui-Gon, wanted to trust him, respected him. Was even beginning to see more of the master about him than just the robe and air of dignity.

And yet--

Obi-Wan shook his head. He would not dwell longer on the negative possibilities. "Then I can neither believe nor disbelieve, Master." He had closed his eyes at that point, and when he opened them again, the possibility of tears had been contained. "My apologies for bringing the matter up."

Qui-Gon had inclined his head then to Obi-Wan. "No apology is necessary."

Barely able to control his breathing, Obi-Wan fled to his room. Where he was now, trying to decide what he felt, what he believed, what he should do.

He was 13, a padawan now, with rights and responsibilities. Among them, he knew he owed his loyalty to Qui-Gon, and a part of him was loyal, no matter what his master might think of him after such impertinent questioning.

But he also knew that, without something from Qui-Gon, he could not stay the master's padawan.

In his situation, technically, he could go to the Council and be assigned a new master. Realistically, not very long ago, he had been an unwanted almost-thirteen year old student who'd ended up in the Agricorps. If Obi-Wan objected, that was where he would return. He was certain of it.

He didn't want to return to the Agricorps, did not want to give up the title 'padawan'.

But he would not bargain his self away for that title.

He could make the choice. Would make the choice if it were necessary.

But he didn't know if it were. Because Qui-Gon hadn't given him an answer.

Obi-Wan considered what he knew again. Qui-Gon had told him about Xanatos, about his pride in his student -- misplaced as it turned out. How he had been the only one blind to Xanatos' arrogance.

Blind like in love? Obi-Wan wondered now, in light of the gossip.

That would fit both the rumor and the facts he knew, if Qui-Gon had been in love with his padawan. Of course, the padawan had been on the verge of becoming a knight. And there was no way to know whether Xanatos had ever known how his master felt about him.

What Obi-Wan knew neither proved nor disproved anything.

All the more reason why he needed to hear from his master, needed to know... what? What did he need to know?

That the rumor was true? Qui-Gon hadn't heard the rumor. How could he know exactly what had been said and implied? And then there was the other dilemma -- if Qui-Gon truly were untrustworthy, then asking for proofs from him was less than useful.

Yet Obi-Wan could not do what Qui-Gon was asking of him -- to trust blindly. Perhaps another padawan would have. Perhaps he was wrong and stupid and strange for wanting more. But he did.

He took a deep breath, and tried to calm himself. He felt as though all he'd won from his earlier questioning was his master's disapproval. To question more...

His breathing was becoming ragged, Obi-Wan noticed. He evened it out again, struggling for the control he was far away yet from mastering.

He would do it. And do it without hyperventilating.

Obi-Wan returned to the main room. Qui-Gon was still seated in the comfortable chair in front of his study-console. His master looked up as Obi-Wan entered.

Qui-Gon said nothing. Unfortunately.

Allowing -- or forcing -- Obi-Wan to speak his mind.

He had no well-organized thoughts, no clear conclusions from the time spent in his room. The best he could hope for was honesty and a full sharing of his concerns.

"I don't need to know what really happened. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore." A hint of approval showed in Qui-Gon's eyes, and Obi-Wan moved on before it could grow. It would be crushed shortly. "But I care whether I've been lied to or am going to be lied to. I care about what role you're going to play in my life."

Silence answered him. Painfully, haltingly, he went on. "You don't want to talk about it, but it matters to me. I need to find some truth from you, something, or I... I just..." he swallowed hard. He couldn't say it, wouldn't say it. It would sound like a threat, and he wasn't trying to make one. No, this was about cold reality and the choices that had to be made because of it.

He stumbled to a stop, and just stood there, waiting for whatever Qui-Gon might have to say to him.

"I will not speak about that past. I will not defend my actions nor will I attack those of my then-apprentice."

Another brush-off. Obi-Wan's stomach sank.

But Qui-Gon continued talking. "I can promise you this, my padawan. I will not seduce you. I promise to treat you as my student for as long as you are my padawan. I do promise you affection, and words both of praise and advice, as well as physical affection, if you wish for it. But I swear to you that there will be nothing between us that is not proper for a teacher and a student."

Obi-Wan held perfectly still. "That... that is enough, master. More than enough."

"Then it is promised and witnessed." Qui-Gon held Obi-Wan's gaze solemnly, but a bit sternly. "All of these things any master owes their student. My promise should be nothing but a formality."

"It isn't," Obi-Wan whispered. "It's not a formality to me."

"Then you have it. I do promise, Obi-Wan. You may hold me to it."

"Thank you, master."

It was... not suddenly all right again. It felt uncomfortable being in the same room with his master after such intensity. Felt strange to have Qui-Gon's word pledged to him. It upset the normal way of things, where he was obligated to his master.

But Obi-Wan didn't leave. Didn't hide again.

The crisis was over, he had what he needed. It was time to live life again. He would trust Qui-Gon's vow.

And try to rebuild the tenuous relationship that had begun to form between them before he had listened to the rumors.

-the end-