Top Reasons TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE STILL SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!! 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn." 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith. 3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler. 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. 1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER LABELS 13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem toliterally disappear. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. The Top 16 Signs Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] 16> His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots. 15> Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a "Doo-Doo Head" could hurt your case. 14> Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange. 13> In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench and actually tries to "please the court." 12> Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end with "Nantucket." 11> Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code. 10> Keeps trying to call a witness named "Johnny, the Trouser Troll." 9> A closer look at his diploma reveals it's from Yale Lock School. 8> The only question she can come up with during cross- examination is, "Isn't it true that you're a lying bastard?" 7> Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting from the jury. 6> Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, "Yahtzee!" 5> Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words. 4> Instead of saying "Your honor, I object," he now just rolls his eyes and says, "Whatever." 3> Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the "discovery" processes. 2> Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties. and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out... 1> "Nice breasts, Your Honor." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 42 WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF IN UNIVERSITY LECTURES (OR ANY LECTURES FOR THAT MATTER) As printed in the University of Otago Rag: CRITIC. 1. Slingshot + Box of giant jaffas = FUN! 2. Take a crate of Speights (MUST BE SPEIGHTS) and a portable telly to watch the rugby. Cheer loudly. 3. Lip-sync along with the lecturer 4. Keep clumsily moving seats to find the "sweet spot" 5. Take a 200 page refill pad and write one word of your notes on each page. 6. Stare aggresively at your lecturer and use sign language to indicate your intention to kill him/her. 7. Point at the whiteboard a lot and say loudly "Yes! I get it! Of course!" remember...loudly. 8. Get jiggy wit' it. 9. Read your neighbours notes, edit them if you disagree. 10. Sit in the front ans spend the whole lecture looking back over your shoulder at class mates. 11. "Lose Contraol" of your sipper bottle and drench the person in front of you 12. Try to get everything explained twice ie, the lecturer: "okay let's start now...." you: "Can we please go over that agin?" 13. Use mirror writing 14. Write your notes in crayon. 15. Start a Mexican wave. 16. Take notes using an antique typewriter. 17. Organise for a kindergarten class to visit mid-lecture...do not inform the lecturer. 18. Use the opportunity of a captive audience to practise you interpretive dance routines (will not work in an interpretive dance class) 19. Scratching you name into the desk is passe, Blowtorches on the other hand. 20. Ask questions that begin with lenghty explanations of how the lecture topic relates to your own experiences in childhood. Use overhead projections to illustrate key points. 21. Pretend to fall asleep, the have noisy nightmares about being back in 'Nam. 22. Read the notes of a friend who took the same course last year. Look really intelligent and annoy the lecturer by explaining exactly what they were about to say. 23. Sell advertising rights to the lecture theatre. Put up banners and overheads promoting the product. 24. Take a cellphone. Call your friend who's sick in bed and relate the entire lecture to them. 25. Suddenly yell "VIVE LA REVOLUTION!" and start burning your notes. 26. In the middle of class go to the front , shake the lecturer fir,ly by the hand, explain what a waste of time their class is, wish them a fond farewell, walk out, come back and sit down again. 27. Chuckle to yourself as if everything the lecturer says is apersonal joke between the two of you at everyone else's expense. 28. Nail yourself to your chair, then when eveyone else gets up to leave, you won't be able to, which isn't very funny really... 29. Practise your tap dancing under the desk. 30. Take a thermos of coffee, and a double pack of gingernut cookies. slup and crunch loudly. 31. Ignore the lecturer (shouldn't be too hard), and whistle loudlt to yourself, while knitting a pair of snuggly winter mittens. 32. Take a sleeping bag and a pillow. Stretch out at the back of the lecture theatre. 33. Cough loudly for thirty seconds, then gasp and let your body go totally limp. Works every time. 34. Touch your nose with your togue. If you're unsuccessful, touch your neighbour's nose. 35. Count how many times your lecturer says "um" at the end of the semester give prizes for the least and the most. 36. Imagine the lectire theatre is a spaceship and you are the pilot. use Use you pen or ruler as the control stick and make cool laser gun noises. 37. Tickle yourself 38. Write down all of the things you like about the lecturer: their style, their hair, their content, maybe even their name. Sign the list and give it to them at the end of the class. This acts as a warm fuzzy and a good suck upo if you are failing. 39. Play peek-a-boo with the lecturer. ie. "Ican see you, yes I caaan, oh yes I can....where did you go....oh theeer you are silly-billy." 40. Sit on your hand until it goes to sleep, then touch yourself and it will fell like someone else hand. 41. Count how many people are in the lecture theatre. Make sure you count out loud. 42. Try apying attention and taking concise, neat lecture notes. it's hilarious. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by University students 10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font. 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov. 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were in a shared household and the dishes weren't getting done. 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Exams, not Armageddon 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like first years. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here are the Top 10 Reasons Why Computers must be male! 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They will do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The light's are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does not matter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS 10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer. 3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a beer. 1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TWENTY REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX 1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter. ***Send this to 5 people or your heart will be broken in the next 24 hours. This has been proven to work. It has traveled around the world 50 times in the past 2 weeks, and over 300 couples have broken up. So, if you have ever wanted to fall in love, or if you want to keep whatever you have now going, all I gotta say is get to sendin'... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From our friends over the ditch.... Top Oxymorons 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42 Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt head 30. Military intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. Extinct life 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. New classic 16. Temporary tax increase 15. French bravery 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron 1. Microsoft Works -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."] 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 30. The first time is always the hardest. 31. Excuse me, are you on the pill? 32. Hi there. Do you swallow? 33. Wow! Are those real? 34. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? 35. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it? 36. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 37. Bond. James Bond. 38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 39. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. 40. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 41. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included. 42. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 43. So, do you wanna see something really swell? 44. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you? 45. Do you take it up the ass? 46. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 47. Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you? Uh...no.... Well, do you want some? 48. What would you do if I kissed you right now? 49. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 50. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two) Obvious reply: No, why? Because they're mine. 51. I'm drunk. 52. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 53. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 54. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. 55. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? 56. Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here. 57. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across. 58. Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I? 59. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? 60. Pull my finger. 61. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. 62. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 63. Do you wanna go out for a pizza and a fuck? What, don't you like pizza? 64. Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays? 65. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 66. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight. 67. They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find out... 68. Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you? 69. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? 70. To a woman: Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside? 71. Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples? 72. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize? 73. Hi! Can I buy you a car? 74. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 75. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. 76. Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!) 77. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 78. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! 79. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. 80. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------