Toilet Humour >PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his >constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a >bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm >finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! > >Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the >ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on >him like a dump truck full of mud. > >"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. >Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay >unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of >him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no >one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour >before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It >seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -a >billion-to-one shot, atleast." > >The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when >the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African >elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty. > >"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew >that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt >Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday >night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. >"I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything >under control." But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter >Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body >visible only from the knees down. > >"I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. "But >obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity >-- and not something that should be attempted alone." > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE SHIT LIST Bathroom Humor at its finest: THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how about some "ass icons"? (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^^o_) a wise ass (_E=3Dmc2_) a smart ass (_13_) an unlucky ass ( _7_) lucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Actually from the LA Times. > >"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only >trying to retrieve the gerbil, "Eric Tomszewski told bemused doctors in the > >Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital." > >Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been >admitted for emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone >seriously wrong. > >I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, >"he explained." As usual, Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon", my cue that he'd >had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so >I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light would >attract him. > >At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened >next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out >of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomasewski's hair and severely burning his face. >It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a >larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out >like a cannonball." > >Tomasewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact >of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his >anus and lower intestinal tract. > >O.K., here's the Top Ten things that scared me the most in reading this >story! > >10 - "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch !!! > >9 - "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's >like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to >stare at the Sun. > >8 - That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from Low self-esteem) being >shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and >Bullwinkle show. > >7 - Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil launched out of someone's anus. >I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh, >after his little journey into Kiki's "Tunnel of Love." > >6 - People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their >rectums. > >5 - People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing >when taken to the Emergency Room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up >a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into >my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter, before I admitted the >truth. Call me Old Fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at the >doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil >named Raggot, and we took this cardboard tube . . ." > >4 - "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the >burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one >take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning >anus must be on the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's >green earth. > >3 - People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic >white men who insert rodents up their butts." > >2 - What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? > >1 - This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons >anyway? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >One day a Man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his >doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure >his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum >every 6 hours. "Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the >first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository >deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him >home. > >At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the >supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him >insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends >over. > >His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and >thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror the >man lets out a blood curdling scream. > >"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?" > >"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor >did it, he had both hands on my shoulders." >