Headlines, Signs, Outtakes BEST HEADLINES OF 1998 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Actual Newspaper Headlines 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 59. Big Boost for Breast Cancer 60. Officers Taken Off Duty After Death -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of 'Fortune Magazine': 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. It's best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 1. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 2. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 3. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 4. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.' 5. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 6. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 7. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 8. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 0. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 1. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 2. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. 3. Marital status: often. Children: various. 4. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 5. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 6. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 7. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report): * Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. * A room temperature IQ. * Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. * A prime candidate for natural deselection. * Bright as Alaska in December. * Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming * So dense, light bends around him. * If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. * If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. * Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. * I would not breed from this officer. * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. * This young lady has delusions of adequacy. * This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are signs in hotels and other public places in foreign countries where they make the effort to write signs in English but their efforts go astray. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpuse. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpuse. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist. A traslated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laudry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian turist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coates made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranted to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towel please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are espected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. In the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You think your English is bad!? An Air France bulletin, dated December 1, 1989, printed some signs and notices, written in English, that were collected from throughout the world. You have to give the writers an "E" for effort. Hope you enjoy them! * In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice. * In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. * In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backward, and only when lit up. * In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. * In Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. * In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours 9 and 11 AM. daily. * In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear withpleasure is the job of the chambermaid. * In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. * In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. * In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. * On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. * On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm own make: limpidred beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger: roasted duck let loose: beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. * Outside a Hong-Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. * In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. * Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. * In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. * From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150.000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. * A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, man and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. * In Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. * In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentists: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. * In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon havinga good time. * In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - We guarantee no miscarriages. * Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? * In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream. * In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. * In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. * In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. * On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. * In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. * In a Budapest Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. * In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. * In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. * In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. * From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air condition: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. * From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. * Two signs from a Moroccan shop entrance: -English well speaking -Here speeching American -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. * David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. * Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. * In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. * Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. * No word in the English language rhymes with month. * There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. * Cat's urine glows under a black light. * Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. * In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. * Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. * Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously * The most common name in the world is Mohammed. * Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. * In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured * One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. * Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older * The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"