Archive 3 Three men are at the local races and are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the loo and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together and that would be the number horse they would bet on. Deciding that this was a brilliant idea the took of to the loo. Inside, the first man says "Mines 6 inches", the second man says "Mines 4 inches, so that totals 10" and the third guy says "Mines 2 inches so that brings the total to 12". So out they race and put all there money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in in front of all the rest. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money. While thinking the first man says "mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%". Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says "I should get it all". The other two look at each other and say "Why?", to which the third man says "If I didn't have a hard-on it would only have been 1 inch in which you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything". ******************************************************************************** A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle, the therapist says she doesn't know it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a per- son. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office. Six months later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why,yes, young man, I did.Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty,kitty......." ******************************************************************************** A mouse was walking through the jungle when he hears a voice crying out "help, help!" Upon looking around, he sees an elephant stuck in a mudhole, unable to move. "Please help me" cried the elephant. The mouse thinks for a minute, runs off and returns shortly there- after behind the wheel of a mercedes. He backs the mercedes up to the mudhole, the elephant grabs hold of the bumper, the mouse floors the accelerator, and the elephant is slowly pulled from the mudhole and rescued. A couple of weeks later, the elephant is meandering through the jungle when he hears a feeble "help! help!". He finds the mouse stuck in the very same mudhole! "Help me, Mr. Elephant! Run and get your mercedes so that you can rescue me!" The elephant replies that he doesn't have a mercedes and thinks and thinks and thinks.... Finally, he straddles the mudhole, and slowly lets down his penis, inch by inch, until the mouse is able to reach it. Thus the mouse was saved by climbing up the elephant's penis. The moral of the story? You don't need a mercedes if you have a big dick! ******************************************************************************** So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Johnny," she says. Johnny says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that Carl has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Carl?" she says. Carl says, "Th'other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model-car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."" ******************************************************************************** While traveling at night through a wooded area,Craig's car died and after several hours of walking he happened upon a farm. He asked the farm's owner if he could spend the night and find a tow truck in the morning. The farmer agrees and tells him that the only bedroom available is his daughter's and he could stay there if he promised not to touch her. Craig agrees and the farmer leads him to the bedroom. While in the bedroom, Craig finds the farmer's daughter already asleep and thinks she's incredibly beautiful but remembers his promise to the farmer. Later, he decides that one kiss couldn't hurt, so he leans over, kisses her, and gets a mouth full of white rice. "Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I hate white rice." The next morning, Craig tries to get a tow truck, but because of the location,no one wants to assist him so he has to stay at the farmer's house a few more days. That night,Craig sees the farmer's daughter leans over kisses her and gets a mouth full white rice."Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I hate white rice!"This continues for two more days. On the fifth day, Craig finally finds a tow truck company to haul his car and as he's leaving he turns to the farmer and says,"I know I promised not to touch your daughter, but I found her so incredibly beautiful I had to kiss her. Could you please tell me why it is that everytime I kiss your daughter I get a mouth full of white rice?" The farmer says, "That's easy. My daughter's been dead for six days." ******************************************************************************** Q. What's black and runs on electricity ? A. Michael Watson ******************************************************************************** Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart/lung transplant? A: Coughing up someone else's phlemb. ******************************************************************************** One day a man (or a woman if you want it that way) arrives at the gate of hell. Of course the pour sool gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms. The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. "Let's go to the next room", the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer." The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr Diabolo!". The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dogshit to their knees a group of people is drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclames," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!". As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a wile a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: "Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !" ******************************************************************************** A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100". One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." And it was. She won the case ................... Private Weston was staitioned in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel. Like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I toldya if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak the sergeant yells,"Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later. A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower. "daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. "oh, erm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarressingly replied. "well it's got hell of a big dick", she snapped back. A cab driver pulls up to the curb and picks up a nun. Its a fairly long drive to the nun's destination, and having run out of small talk the cabbie is at a loss of words. After a noticible silence, the cabbie speaks up. "You know sister, I've got this weird fantasy." "And what might that be?" "Well you see, I've always wanted to make it with a nun in the back seat of my cab" After this remark, there is silence in the cab again. And a few minutes later the nun speaks up. "I must also confess, that I have had fantasies about making it with a cab driver in a cab." After hearing this the cabbie decides to pull into an alley for some action. But before they could do anything the nun asks him to promise her two things. First he had to promise her that he wasn't married to avoid adultry. "I promise I'm not married." Next he had to promise to enter her in the rear to retain her virginity. And the cabbie agreed to those terms also. After all was said and done, they dressed and proceeded to the destination. Just as the nun was exiting the cab, the cab driver called out and said, "I have a confession to make... I'm married. Will you forgive me for lying?" To which the nun replies "Yeah I think I can, oh, I too have a confession to make. My name is Bob, and I'm on my way to a costume party!" A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is anyone here a doctor?". One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can i help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee" "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well first of all, your stance is too wide...." Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes ... you're fucking crackers. "A farmer woke up one morning to find that his rooster had died while cock-a-doodle-dooing one morning. So he went to the local market a few miles away and was sold a real randy rooster by the local dealers. He had been told that this one was so hot it would f**k anything that moved. The farmer went home with his new rooster, and true to form the rooster was caught wanking in the back of the van. Feeling very pleased with himself he put the rooster in question in his farm yard and soon enough it was poking everything insight: chickens, pigs, horses and even the farmer's wife. The next morning the farmer woke up as usual and looked out of the window to find his newly acquired rooster lying motionless on the floor. He ran out of the house to investigate and was about to inspect the rooster when it turned around and told him: "F**k off I'm waiting for the vultures!!!!!" A Tourist is lost in the vast plains of Australia. He asks a farmer for shelter. The farmer agrees to let him sleep in the animal shed. Next day the Tourist tells the farmer - You have great animals in there! they can talk. The farmer says What ! I don't believe it. The Tourist calls the Horse and tells it to say something. The horse says " The farmer treats me well" The tourist says " Well you know your pig can talk too" The farmer is really amazed. The Tourist calls the pig and the pig tells something about the weather. The tourist then says " Your sheep too can talk " The farmer cries out immediately " He is a liar . Don't believe him." A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?" The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity. After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?" She replied, "Well--now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer." He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?" "One notch more" said the woman. Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?" She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away. The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?" The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!" Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' Why did the leper fail his driving test? Because he left his foot on the accelerator........ A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!" A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first blow job, so give me a double wiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked, "you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste away." Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any elligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) AND 3. The man was good in bed. The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The main in the wheelchair asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" An Indian brave came up to his chief. "Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give." "Mmmmm. When your cousin was born...I look across and see deer leaping in field. I name her `DearLeapingInField'. When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying over. I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this, TWODOGSFUCKING." I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks... Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the gardener. There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman. All guys were discussing their cars etc. The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it pers like a cat." The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it slices the air while it drives." Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris" The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !" A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner (who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on... Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white boy bossman, whyha do this bossman? Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do, it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens. Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife... Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black one, it happens... Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the sheep... There were these 3 Ag Science students driving along this old farm road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked on the farmers door. The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"? The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try". About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about his business. About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm, knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time? Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk? Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds". Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical. It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows. Needless to say the farmer went with them.