Archive 2 Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the maddame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and doesn't know a word of english. "I'll take her." He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic etc, so he continues unpreturbed. The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chineese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found chineese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" ******************************************************************************** A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" ******************************************************************************** Did you hear about the man who went into a crematorium collecting ashes to sell to cannibals as Ready Brek. ******************************************************************************** A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final ultimatum from Farmer Buck. "Now, me son - we've had our differences, and we've argued. You know I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse. Now I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing right. I'm giving these two fine, fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em to market tomorrow. You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring all of it home to me. See how simple it is? Two ducks, five bucks. OK?" Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns. About 11am, Farmer Jim throws Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off. It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue - and Naughty Jen the milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more.... But Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she says: "Stop right there, young Jack, unless you got a present for me!" Johhny's straining at the fly about now, so all his owner can do is grunt: "got two ducks in me bag, OK?" She considers. "Oh, alright!" and they set to. After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs Johnny from his rest. "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it then". Johnny stirs. "Shall we say the ducks come back, then, Jen?" Mesmerised by the sight of Johnny rising, she eagerly agrees. Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes. "Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag banging his leg, belt al undone. Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming back in their cart, smirking as they riffle their wads of bills. Drearily he turns about, and shuffles home. He's moping along,swinging his bag of ducks fore emphasis as he practices what he is going to say to his father, when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him. He gets such a fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch. As he surfaces, spitting weed, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her driver. "Are you alright, my good man? My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for these lanes. Is this your sack?" Johnny scents a good thing. "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is alright". Of course the ducks are squashed beyond repair, and Johnny has an enjoyable few minutes shedding a tear over his prides-and-joys, until the old woman eventually gives him fifty dollars, and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two squashed ducks. Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his brothers smirk, at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks. "You useless litle bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest thing? Five bucks for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got? Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money! I ought to...." His father tails off as he says Johnny's quiet smile, and his upraised hand. "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks? Here, here's five - and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back! And you want to know how it was done? Simple. Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!" And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an encore... ******************************************************************************** Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? A. They are both fun to ride until you friends see you. ******************************************************************************** Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? Neither has he. ******************************************************************************** I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... Underneath someone had scrawled... '.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' ******************************************************************************** Whats yellow and hates liver ? Ben Hardwick. Whats the difference between Ben Hardwick and Leone Keating ? Ben Hardwick died a virgin. ******************************************************************************** Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality and Necrophilia? He gave it up. It was beating a dead horse. ******************************************************************************** Q: What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common? A: They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen! ******************************************************************************** An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repy this the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. Afterall, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutured?" ******************************************************************************** A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been suffering chest pains. The doctor examined her and then asked her to step outside while he spoke to her boyfriend alone. doc - Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina. man - Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well! ******************************************************************************** Why are camels called ships of the desert? Because they are filled with Arab semen! ******************************************************************************** This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" ******************************************************************************** On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away. As they reach the gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front waiting for them, shaking his head. As they approach, St. Peter tells them, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of you in heaven right now, so I will only be able to take one of you. Seeing as you have both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will have to tell me something that's special about you." Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands. "Well," she says, "I've got THESE..." St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good. Very good indeed. But let's see what Princess Di has to offer." Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special about me. I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..." St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it. Isn't there anything else?" Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...." St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..." Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says, "But what about THESE?" And he says, "It's beyond my control. Everybody knows that a Royal Flush beats a Pair any day!" ******************************************************************************** A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" ******************************************************************************** What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade? Still no bloody idea What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head? A hat rack What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye deer... What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven? Still no f*cking goddamned idea. ******************************************************************************** A blind man was walking down the street when a dog comes up and pisses on his leg. Anyway, he proceeds to get a biscuit out of his pocket and feed it to the dog. A man waiting at a nearby bus queue has watched this incident and goes over to the blind man and says "I can't believe you're giving the dog a treat after he's just pissed all down your leg". The blind man replies "I'm not, I'm giving him the biscuit so I can judge where his mouth his". "What for ?" says the bystander. The blind man replies "Well now that I know where his mouth is I can give him a good f**king kick in the b*ll*cks !". ******************************************************************************** A man had been jogging down a stretch of beach for years when one day he noticed a woman with no arms or legs sunning herself on a beach towel in the morning air. He stopped and talked to her for a few minutes and then began to go on his way. For many months this man continues to jog down the same route and every morning he saw the same woman with no arms or legs, so her appearance onthe beach was not abnormal to him. One day he was jogging down the beach and he saw the same woman crying. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? Why are you crying?' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been hugged before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her a BIIIG hug, and then went on his way down the beach. The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman crying even harder this time. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? What are you crying about this time?' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her a BIIIG kiss, and then went on his way down the beach. The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman just bawling hewre eyes out!. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'Geez lady, what's the matter this time? Why are you bawling?!?!' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been fu**ed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, looked into here eyes, and then tossed her into the surf! He looked out at the ocean and screamed, 'Well you're fu**ed NOW!!!' ******************************************************************************** While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on". ******************************************************************************** Four sisters in a church are going to confess. the first of them confess to the prayer that she had touch the sexual parties of a man with her right hand. So the prayer get red cheeks and tell her to wash her right hand in the holy water and to pray fifty times. Then the second sister come in the confessional and says to the father : I'm soory father, but i think i made a little mistake because i have had a man'sex in my left hand. The prayer becomes angry and tell her : You have to wash your left hand in the holy water and then pray at least 100 times for Mary. Then the fourth sister says to the third : Please let me go before you, because i don't want to wash my mouth in the water after you had wash your ass in it. ******************************************************************************** A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were at the doctors office for some prenatal care. The brunette says that her mother has a theory for predicting the sex of a baby....it depends on the "position" they were in. The brunette says, "based on my mothers theory, since I was on top, my baby is going to be a girl". The redhead says, "well then, mine is going to be a boy since my husband was on top". By this time, the blonde was crying hysterically. The other two as what's wrong and the blonde responds, "I'mmmmm gooooinnnnng to havvve puppp.pp..ppp..ies!!!" ******************************************************************************** What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *EAT*! ******************************************************************************** Why is a pool table green ? Well, if someone racked your balls, you'd be green too. ******************************************************************************** Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for the price. This frog is worth $4000, madam. WHAT ? why is it so expensive ? Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus. I see... I'll take it. takes frog home, showers, puts silk gown, perfume, opens box on bed. frog doesn't perform, she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, shopowner sees the problem, tells the frog : All right now, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you !!! ********************************************************************************