General Motors has countered claims by Microsoft boss Bill Gates that the motor manufacturers lag behind the computer industry. At a recent computer conference, Gates compared computers with cars and said: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry we would all he driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. But General Motors countered by saying that if it had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: · For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. · Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. · Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. · Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. · Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95" or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats. · Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five dines as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would work on 5 per cent of the roads. · The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light. · New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. · The airbag System would say Are you sure? before going off. · Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. · GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 5t per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. · Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You would press the start button to shut off the engine. ... If your car was like a computer, you might face the prospect of crashing twice a day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Microsoft restaurant Your Servant: Bill Gates Customer: "Waiter!" Waiter: "Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "There's a fly in my soup!" Waiter: "Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time." Customer: "No, it's still there." Waiter: "Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead." Customer: "Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there." Waiter: "Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?" Customer: "A SOUP bowl!" Waiter: "Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?" Customer: "You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?" Waiter: "Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?" Customer: "I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!" Waiter: "Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?" Customer: "You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?" Waiter: "Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour." Customer: "Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?" Waiter: "The current Soup of the Day is tomato." Customer: "Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now." [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: "Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. How do you want to pay today?" Customer: "This is potato soup!" Waiter: "Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet." Customer: "Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything." [Waiter leaves] Customer: "Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!" The check: Soup of the Day.......................................... $ 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day............. $ 2.50 Access to support....................................... $10.00 Note: Bug in the soup......... included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's Soup of the Day) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives. The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!" The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!" The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says, "My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Secret Win98 code /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1998 */ #include "win31.h" #include "win95.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" #define INSTALL = HARD char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) { set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); } /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */ printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); } create_general_protection_fault(); -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just weeks before the release date for Windows 98, Microsoft have announced that they are changed the name of the operating system to Diana in memory of the late Princess of Wales. A spokesman for Microsoft said there were obvious comparisons between the two, as they both demanded huge amounts of resources and crashed spectacularly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan." 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse! 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NERDS Vs JOCKS In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following: Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 mln in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be `reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinners You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.worthless.nogood/tryagain\again/again.bozo This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea, we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Making Toasters If Andersen Consulting made toasters: It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered simple yet radical interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging visionary offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of carbonation degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food services for enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in an impactful environment which is strategically based, industry focused and aligned with your family's mission, vision and core values. If IBM made toasters: They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled "Toasters for a small Planet" - a discussion with you and your dentist about IBM's incredible success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic Games. If Microsoft made toasters: Every time you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'll still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel counter top), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters: It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Xerox made toasters: You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters: The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters: They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters: The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cuppa Java. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters: They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If TRW Corporation made toasters: It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified Government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If Sony made toasters: The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of bread it is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Fisher Price made toasters: "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters: Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- World domination!!!!! Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. "The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.