Computers Y2K A low-cost alternative to computer upgrades that has been identified. This solution also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) problem. All computers will be removed from desktops by Jan. 1, 1999, and each employee will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: No Y2K problems. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HELPDESK REQUEST FORM In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before addressing them to LAN Services. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution. ______________________________________________________ COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM ______________________________________________________ 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? _________________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ______________________________________________________ 17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in. ________________________________________________________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering us? Yes__ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is your computer Male or Female?? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval; 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless; 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model; 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Windows 95: A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why The Internet Is Like A Penis 1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. 2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 3. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. 4. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. 5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. 6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. 9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" 10. Some folks have it, some don't. 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. 12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. 13. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER TECH MANUALS? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report, If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang, When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your Mom. Unknown author. (From the Internet) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why the Internet Is Like a Penis Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------