My name is Shelley Tallman. I am 25 years old. My husband, Ron, age 27, and I have been together since 1993. We did everything right. We waited to get married until my husband had graduated from college and got a good job. Then when we did get married in August of 1998, we decided to wait a year of being married to enjoy each other before we started trying to get pregnant. Then, in February of 1999, after just barely six months of wedded bliss, I became extremely ill with a viral infection that triggered my thyroid into overdrive. In April of 1999, I had my thyroid removed with a nuclear coctail. Consequently, it was a long recovery. It took nearly a year before my thyroid was regulated. Needless to say it put a major delay with proceeding to try and get pregnant. My doctor said to wait another year before trying. For seven years Ron and I waited to try and get pregnant. We had known since 1993 that we wanted a family, but waited for the right time. On Thursday, October 26, 2000, my good friend and coworker, Kelly, and I were running errands for work. She had just found out a couple of days earlier that she was expecting. During our errands I was teasing Kelly, telling her that I was having sympathetic nausea for her because I was beginning to feel quite ill. AND THEN IT HIT ME--KELLY'S PREGNANT!!!!! My period has always been due approximately one week before her---I'M LATE!!!!! My whole way home I couldn't believe it! My husband couldn't believe it either. He was very envious of our friends because they were pregnant. Ron actually thought that I was teasing him. I was in shock, such shock that in less than a 24 hour period I took 5 home pregnancy tests. I was in a state of shock for almost two weeks, but never, ever was I not happy about the pregnancy. The very next day I immediately called my ob/gyn. Unfortunately, my doctor does not see patients until they have missed two periods. I was very uncomfortable with this, but did not have much choice. I really love my doctor and he is wonderful, he even delivered my little brother and has been the only gynecologist that I had ever been to. It was a very long 3 1/2 weeks. Then, on November 17 I had my first ob appointment. It was very comforting and all went well. We talked about the possibility of twins. I was only 8 weeks and already showing quite a bit. In fact I was already wearing maternity clothes. I felt very reassured after the visit. Our excitement grew everyday. WE WERE GOING TO BE A MOMMY & DADDY!!!!! But, in the back of my mind I was worried and kept telling myself once I get to 12 weeks everything would be fine. Then, on Wednesday, November 29, my biggest fear became a reality. I started spotting. We called my doctor and we decided to go to the emergency room. I tried to stay positive throughout the ER visit, but when I had the ultrasound and a heartbeat couldn't be found, I began to panic. Then the radiologist came back to my room because she wanted to verify how far along I was, nearly 11 weeks. The sac and yolk she found indicated a pregnancy of six weeks. We went home with papers saying "threatened abortion", the worst possible description I have ever heard. We followed up with the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office the next day. She said I needed to go for blood work the next day to compare the Hcg levels of 16000+ from the ER visit. It was nearly impossible to stay optimistic. I had the blood work done on Friday, and we tried to stay busy and keep our minds off of what was happening. By the time we got home that evening, my doctor had already called. That was the longest 15 minutes of my life, waiting for him to call me back. And then, when he did call, I didn't want to answer the phone. I didn't want my baby to be gone. He told me that hy Hcg levels dropped and according to the ultrasound, I had lost my baby between 4 and 5 weeks. My baby had been gone for 6 weeks and I had no idea. I just could not understand how that could be. I had lost my baby before my first doctor's appointment and here I was only a week and a half away from my safe "12 weeks". HOW? WHY? WHEN? It was so hard to accept. I chose to have a D&C to possibly help get closure to this horrible situation. But, on December 5, at the hospital, every paper I had to sign made me feel like I was choosing to give up my baby. I cried and cried and cried. I had never, ever experienced anything like that in my life. My poor husband thought he had to be strong for me and not let me see him cry, but my mom later told me that when they took me away for the surgery, he sobbed uncontrollably. Ron has been wonderful through all of this, including my continuing grieving. I know I will never forget my Angel that I never got the change to hold. To me, this Angel will always be my first baby, and one day I will be able to hold my Angel Baby in Heaven. I do believe I have an Angel in Heaven that belongs to me and my husband and that will watch over us for the rest of our lives...until we meet again. But, until then I will say this prayer every night, the Prayer for Motherhood to St. Gerary Maiella
Prayer For Motherhood
Oh good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonder-worker of our day,
I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design
Help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdon of His blory in the world to come. Amen.
Dear Mother Mary, speak to Jesus for me. |
