The Revelations of St. Twinkie
Delivered by the holy lord Julio on the 5th hole of Golf & Games Putt Putt (the one with the Eiffel tower)
1. And thus it was that the first sentence in the book was written, and thus it began improperly with the word "and." 2. These words did the holy son of God and Gary the Virgin Homeless Guy, Julio Guarez, did speak to St. Twinkie, mushroom-loving botany enthusiast and part-time child pornographer, in regards to the end of the world. 3. "Thus the first of the piccolo punishments will be visited upon the Earth, 4. and the rivers and oceans will transmute to Metamucil, and Prune Juice will rain from the skies, and there will be much shitting, for the Lord loveth shit, 5. which is why he created your momma, 6. and the shit will flow in the name of the Lord, your God and my daddy, Ah Men Taste Good In My Mouth." 7. Julio then appeared for a moment with a sword in his mouth, brass hands, a coconut bra, and a large, crucifix-shaped strap-on for no apparent reason. 8. Returned to normal, he then hit his ball backwards into the storm drain behind him. 9. "Though it may seem like I cannot golf, it is much like the Lord�s work, this shot. 10. For though, at first, I may appear to be working backwards, I can simply forget about it and move on to the next hole without worrying about it, for you see, the Lord has powers the human mind cannot comprehend." 11. And lo, from the most sacred holes appeared the great artificial vagina. 12. And, lo, St. Twinkie did hear these words and did understand them on a sub-molecular level. 13. "The creaminess of thy filling shalt be the destruction of this world," sayeth Julio Guarez. 14. "Chaos shall reign over this world for 200,000 years. 15. And then on the day of the Genitalia Equinox all shall be rendered into further chaos. 16. And this chaos shalt be indistinguishable from order as darkness doth turn to light. 17. And all of mankind shalt provide themselves with oral sex whilst the Final Battle is joined. 18. The Golden Arches shalt be joined by the Mocha Latte in its struggle with the Bell and Bun. 19. The victor shalt be irrelevant as the oceans of acid and urine bring their cleansing filth over all the works of man. 20. The moon then shall fall from the sky and land in the belly of Oprah, whom will advise it as to the proper course of action to solve its oedipal complex. 21. And the panties shall crawl into your anal cavities and breed, breed like wild geese in a football stadium full of male cheerleaders, which are a travesty unto the Lord. 22. As the blood is tainted by the darkest of Victoria�s Secrets, knowledge granted only to those who consume the forbidden beef jerkey, the Four Horse Fetishists of the Apocalypse shall rideth upon wings of scary shit and rain down even more scary shit upon the Earth." 23. And lo, Julio Guarez took a mulligan. 24. "Then, as the Earth trembles beneath the feet of the one remaining man and the one remaining woman and the one remaining possum, the man will take his own life by beating himself to death with a bag of meat and the woman and the possum will copulate 25. and there will be copulation upon the grass 26. and there will be copulation on the mountain 27. and there will be copulation in the shower 28. but there will be no copulation in the Champagne Room, for this, too, is a travesty unto the Lord. 28. And, lo, Jason Newstead will suck on the penis of the Great Llama, and he shall shear its wool and wear its wool on his head as the symbol of our lord and thy shall defecate in his name." 29. And as the images of the universe�s final severe case of indigestion were visted upon him, St. Twinkie did begin to feel queasy himself. 30. And he did ask of Julio Guarez, "Hast thou the Pepto Bismol which I require to secure my intestines and, yea, my very soul.?"31. Juan Guarez did now become most incensed. 32. "Thou wouldst ask earthly cures of the Lord�s most wise and compassionate (if somewhat inebriated) messenger?" he demanded. 33. "Thou must seek for the cure to your diarhea in thy faith in the Most Holy. "34. Upon these words, St. Twinkie did shit himself most messily. 35. And Juan Guarez did seem strangely aroused as he reached into the fifteenth hole to place his ball within and award himself a birdy. 36. And Juan Guarez did disappear in a puff of noxious fumes, leaving St. Twinkie confounded in his enlightenment and most foully scented. 37. And the Evil Lord of the Mini Putt did demand St. Twinkie�s immediate departure from his realm. 38. St. Twinkie did comply with, albeit with a heavy heart.
