It occurred to me a short while ago that almost all of the
quotes up here pertain to me somehow. So I just thought I would
make a note that if you say something humorous or profound while
I'm not there to hear it, e-mail it to me. That goes for everyone who
ever says anything humorous or profound. In a way this kind of goes
against the ego-centric purpose for which I created the quotes page, but
oh well. See, I decided at one point that my assumption that everyone
wanted to hear what I had to say while we were actually together was
not bold enough, and thus I needed to make the assumption that not
only did you want to hear what I had to say, you wanted to read
it again later. Ah, now I feel arrogant. Good times. Anyway, like I said,
if you have a quote, E-mail it to me.
Sage
Kitty: "I want to buy an instrument, maybe a flute. I've got almost $200"
Sage: "You should buy a sword."
Kitty: "But you can't play music with a sword."
Sage: "But you can't eviscerate your foes with a flute!"
Sage: "they put a deaf girl on survivor, she can read lips, but only during the day, because they can't see at night, so she just sits and stares at a tree."
Liz: "thats just mean. how horrid"
Sage: "you say that now, but what if i told you that a deaf girl had tried to get onto survivor and they said "no you can't come on, you're deaf""
Liz: "well she couldnt hear them saying that could she?"
Sage: andy would you do me a favor?
Andres: hm?
Sage: if i asked you to do me one favor, for both of our benefit, would you help me out?
Andres: So long as i can do it, want to do it and as long as its not creepy extremely dangerous or will get me in big trouble, yes.
Sage: fight me!
Andres: No
Andres (speaking of Space Monkey and Sage): why don't you guys settle yourselves down like good boys and get hitched?
Sage: is that a proposal?
Kitty (referring to the next Paint It Black game): "Shit, you're going to start giving me nightmares aren't you?"
Sage: "Count on it."
Kitty: "Fuck. What are they going to be like?"
Sage: "I can't tell you what the nightmares are going to be. They'll be prophetic."
Kitty: "Yeah, probably."
Sage: "What are you talking about, probably?! I'm the storyteller, I know! If I say they'll be prophetic, they will be!"
Sage (While in his science lab, at a volume sufficient for most of the class to hear): "That's right baby you like that don't you� oh yeah baby."
Gianna: "If less is more, then more must be� like� a hell of a lot more."
Sage: "A shotgun cocking is not what you want to hear when you pull down your pants."
Raven: "Wasn't it great when she masturbated with the gun?"
Sage: "That didn't happen� you just said it should happen, and nobody agreed with you."
Sage: Devil May Cry fucking rules.
Heidi (Speaking in regards to the sequel): You know, at Circuit City, if you buy 2, you get 1 free.
Sage (after a few seconds of confusion): Why the hell would you want three copies of the same game?
Sage: "Suck my dick, kitties!!!"
None-too-bright film student (As the rest of us duck our heads, hearing a pellet ricocheting around Space Monkey's living room): "Shit, this things loaded?!"
Sage said that being shot in the ass does not hurt. He gave a demonstration -
Sage: "I'm not doing that again, unless I'm drunk."
Gianna: "could I be a Forsaken?"
Sage: "well, that would be difficult, you're not playing in the games�"
Gianna: "NO! I mean for real"
Sage: "Oh, well, then definitely not. Do you have any idea what Forsaken women are like? At least True Forsaken women?"
Gianna: "really horny???"
Sage: "No. Think of Blood Rayne, but not so sloppy"
Sage: "Apparently most men, when they hear 'Don't worry about it, it's really hard to make me cum' before they begin, they take it as some sort of reprieve; I took it as a challenge."
Sage: "You know, the Chinese are very wise."
Kitty: "Not when they're randomly distributing cookies."
Space Monkey (In Chinese voice): "Ice cream machine broken, you eat more chicken!"
Space Monkey (While running a dagger along his hand, looking disappointed): "It's not sharp enough�"
Sage: "So, the jet packs I can tolerate, but the nazis did NOT have mechs. Of course, they didn't have weird demon shit either."
Space Monkey: "That we know of�"
Sage: "There's fucking nothing that can turn this light off."
Rose: "Is there a switch or anything up there?"
Sage: "No� Wait, what's this� (Light goes off) AHA!!!"
(While playing a party game, Sage reads from the card which says "Describe your most exotic fantasy", asking Adam)
Sage: "Describe, in gratuitous, pornographic detail, your most exotic fantasy."
Adam: "It says that?"
(After Adam finished describing, Sage's mouth was hanging open, a horrified expression on his face)
Sage's Mom: "Of course today you've got all this sex-ed stuff, so you know all about what the menstrual cycle is and everything. But back when I was a kid, we didn't have that. So, at the meager age of 13, it was my mother who informed me that when a girl got around my age, she simply had to get rid of the evil that was in her once a month� Oh, and pimples? God is punishing you for your sins."
Sage: "I went to buy a cookie, but when I got there, there were like ten different kinds of cookies, so I panicked and bought a candy bar."
Sage: "Sometimes, the best way to feel good about yourself is to observe someone you find utterly pitiful." (a few hours pass, new people have entered the Belly Of The Whale, Sage watches one of them) "You make me feel very good about myself."
Guy: "OK� Thanks!"
Sage (while drunk, and mocking an infomercial): "I was 15 when I bought my first Bowflex. Now, I have a bowflex in every room of my home� that makes two."
Sage: "I don't even really remember what her parents looked like. All I remember is the door flying open and suddenly there were these two black smoky demon shapes, with fiery wings spread wall to wall, their fanged mouths gaping and screaming "Where's the drugs?!". And the next thing I knew, I was naked in a church parking lot, vomiting."
Sage (while watching a commercial for some pharmaceutical): "So, if I take this medication for my genital herpes, I'll be so overjoyed that I'll find myself frolicking in a flowery field... yeah..."
Brian: "Sage, tell them what you said about Asians."
Sage: "Huh?"
Brian: "You know, what all Asians have in common."
Sage: "Small penises?"
Liz: "I�m gonna stab you in the chest and lung fuck you!"
(Shortly after Sage shot Misty with a pellet gun)
Sage: "I want a real gun."
Rose: "Yeah you�d fucking shoot me with it and be like, �woah, did that hurt?! Did it leave a hole?!�"
Sage: "I was so fucking proud of myself. I had turned on our sex song as we were beginning, which meant that I couldn�t even look to where my remote was, and then once I had it I couldn�t even look at my remote, and I couldn�t look at my stereo, but somehow I changed through like a dozen CDs and went forward to just the right track, and BAM, got it on the first try. Of course, when the song came on, I was so damn proud that I blew the whole thing by pulling away and saying, �YES! I can�t believe I fucking did that!� So smooth."
Sage: "I love this box. �Blue mouth candy.� It has to make sure you understand that this is not ass candy, nor is it nose candy, this candy is specifically for the mouth. Mouth candy."
Kitty (reading from a bottle): "Hm. Leather balm."
Rose: "Leather bong?"
Sage: "Leather bomb?"
Sage: "We all hear what we want to hear."
Sage: "A lot of ancient peoples believed that you weren�t homosexual if you were the fucker, you were only homosexual if you were the fuckee, the guy receiving."
Rose: "That�s bullshit. Even if you�re the guy giving it, you�re gay. Or, maybe you�re not gay, but you�re like, at least-"
Space Monkey: "An accessory to being gay."
Sage: "I�d never even heard of the Alley before."
Kitty: "Neither had I, and I lived in Chicago."
Sage: "But only until you were like nine or something."
Rose: "I knew about the Alley when I was like nine."
Sage: "Yeah, but you�re different. And Kitty, she�s just... the same..."
Space Monkey: "I know what that place is, it�s an abandoned mental institution, I recognize it."
Sage: "You realize we�re entering Forcible Sodomy Land."
Guy: "Unintelligible... (Something that might have been �What�s up�)... unintelligible... I�m Melvin. I�m the real Melvin... unintelligible..."
Finally, Sage paid this man to go away.
(Discussion prior to Sage�s comment had nothing to do with computers, movies, the alphabet, or anything that could be remotely connected to it)
Sage: "Holy shit! You know HAL, the supercomputer in 2001? Every letter in HAL is just one letter behind it�s corresponding letter in IBM!"
(Sage, Space Monkey, and Rose go through the Attributes, deciding what they have in real life)
Sage: "So for Appearance, what would you give me?"
Rose: "Five!"
Space Monkey: "Well, when you have clothes on, maybe 3 or 4, but when you're naked, like 1. You're all spindly and gangly and wierd!"
Sage (flipping to where he keep the character sheets): "... OK, Red Lonewolf..."
Space Monkey: "OK, the ball's in your court now."
Sage: "Well, it always was."
Space Monkey: "True... no wait, actually, you dont have a basketball court, or a ball for that matter, I do, so actualy; the ball is in my garage."
Sage: "... How many points of Perception did you give yourself?"
Space Monkey: "Five."
Sage: "What's right behind my house."
Space Monkey: "Shit... Quiet you..."
Sage: "I'm trying to avoid gaming too much. Yes, such a thing is possible, and I can just picture the results of it. I can see myself gaming for like 48 consecutive hours, then being awoken by some family member for whatever meal it may be time for, and just standing at the entrance of the kitchen saying, 'I make my way to the table and have a seat, then I proceed to take heartily of the food...' and asking someone who isn't there 'Do I heal damage by doing so?' as all the while my frightened family just stares at me."
(At the first meeting of the MCC-RPA)
Phil: "So if you want to join my game, remember, I want in depth character profiles, know who you are, have a good concept."
Sage: "I had this idea for a character... He's kind of like Johnny Appleseed, except he roams the countryside, founding role playing alliances at community colleges."
In my dream last night, I recall saying something that was at once really funny and ultimately very profound; unfortunately I don't remember what it was. But even so, I thought it deserved recognition here on the quotes page. And this little note probably does as much good as the quote itself would have done anyway - nobody in my dream laughed except me. -- Sage
Rose: "You should start up your own religion."
Sage: "Yeah, maybe."
Space Monkey: "Yeah, I think you'd make a great deity."
(In an old game, as we search through an occult encyclopedia, wanting answers)
Ted: "There must be something in here about demons!"
Sage: "I'm sure there is. Try looking for Demons comma Keeping Away Of."
Sean: "So you're going in the basement?"
Paul: "OK"
Phil: "OK"
Sage: "Oh God"
(As they look over Paul's character sheet, trying to decide whether or not the sex he just engaged in would impregnate Gypsi)
Gypsi: "Well, your constitution is only nine but your size is sixteen!"
Erdmann: "If stupidity had anything to do with it--I'd have been dead a long time ago."
Erdmann: "Nobody ever listens to me."
Phil: "Shut up Erdmann!!!"
Gypsi: "We found this tree, in a forest, we were wondering if you could tell us anything about it."
Sean: "A tree..."
Gypsi: "Yeah."
Sean: "In a forest?"
Gypsi: "Yeah..."
Dave: "You homosexual... I'm gonna discriminate against you"
Sage: "Absorb it! Soak it up you little pancake!"
Sage: "I wish I was a mexican. Then I could flip out and everybody would laugh."
Sage: "The anime con is going to be great. I'm going to get smashed and tell everybody how I hate anime"
Liz: "Shut up... I'm just trying to get on the quotes page." Liz is on the quotes page... yup - Sage
(Sage finishes telling funny story)
Andrea: "That's not funny."
Sage: "Well, I guess it's one of those things where you have to actually... you know, have a sense of humor."
Sage (Doing an impression): "I'm Andrea! Look at me with my embryo!"
Sage: "Now that is a lot of punctuation... It's like a puntuation overdose."
Liz: "Have you ever been arrested?"
Sage: "No, I've gotten away with everything I've done."
A friend of mine invited me to come join a chat room, something I don't normally make a habit of, and these quotes do well to demonstrate precisely why I avoid these abodes of the bored and the stupid. They have not been altered by me in any way
4:20_all_the_way458_27394: I expose gays in this country, because to expose it is to kill it. gay peaple is one of those monsters of darkness to whom the light of truth is death! (Space Monkey, Rose, doesn't he sound familiar? The crazy guy from the Memphis 3 documentary!)
4:20_all_the_way458_27394: to expose the mind to acid is like opening antoher dimension (In which I imagine there exist many a friendly creature)
I_Am_______________280_46727: I will never shut up (And he didn't)
I_Am_______________280_46727: It will learn you what is love (I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this one)
I_Am_______________280_46727: I will never die Becouse death don't exists (He was subsequently shot to death by the Archons who punish those who break the sacred laws of spelling and grammar)
Dave: "It's like we're surfing! Surfing in sound waves!"
J.R.: "That's awful... Awful hilarious."
Dave (robot voice, with robotic arm movements): "What is this human laughter."
Follow this link to the NC-17 rated quotes, unfit for the eyes of youth and catholics.
Sage: "I should just grab people off of the street and say 'Game! Now!'. But they'd be like, 'Game? Is that a verb?'"
Space Monkey: "She's ticklish by like, kinetic force."
Sage (poking Rose to demonstrate): "Well... actually this is kinetic force."
Space Monkey: "I know, I meant to say telekinetic force... that's when kinetic forces are on TV."
Sage: "That would be my right buttock" (as it is squeezed) "That would be my left buttock" (as it is squeezed... Sage senses the hand hovering about) "I do not have a center buttock, take your hand away."
Sage (doing an impression of Theresa): "Raar! You don't know what love is! You only know lust! I'm Theresa! I am a short, angry little lesbian!"
Space Monkey: "Have you ever read Flowers For Algernon?"
Rose: "No."
Space Monkey: "Have you seen the movie Charlie?"
Rose: "No."
Space Monkey: "Well, in the movie this guy is retarded, and he goes through this surgery to make him incredibly smart, but-"
Rose: "That's not Charlie, that's Flowers For Algernon!"
Sage: "Rose, if I dislike it enough to point a gun at you, don't you think you should stop?"
Space Monkey: "Yeah, I could get hit in the crossfire. And getting hit by BBs is not on my list of things to do."
(Sage and Rose discuss making costumes for Anime Con)
Rose: "I should charge people."
Sage: "Yeah, you should, totally! Do it! Charge people, except for me."
Sage (after trying to explain and failing): "Look, I know you don't understand, but just trust me, your naked body looks like sunlight reflecting off of water onto rocks."
Rose: "Chris, you know what I need?"
Old Man: "What's that?"
Rose: "A grappling hook. I don't know what I'd do with it, but at least I could say 'Look! I have a grappling hook!"
Sage: "OK, since MysticRose didn't work for your screen name, try Mystic space Rose."
Rose: "Why? Couldn't I just make it, like, Mystic space Rose?"
Rose: "You're a tease."
Sage: "A tease eh?"
Rose: "Yeah."
Sage: "I've only got sixteen things to say to that. Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow."
Sage: "Why are you downloading that program? This computer already has it, you're using it right now!"
Rose: "Well it asked me if I wanted to!"
Sage: "... Hey Rose... wanna go rape some chickens?"
Krunk's sister: "So, the doctor said, 'Eat like pig, drink like fish, sleep like log. You feel better.'"
Krunk's mom: "Eat like fish, drink like log, fuck like bunnies? Is that it?"
Krunk: "If I poke your stomach, will you say woo-hoo?"
Space Monkey: "Yes. After I bite your finger off."
(Krunk freezes an inch from his stomach)
Space Monkey (seeing Super Bust A Move): "Woah, it's Bubble Bobble!"
Sage: "No, it's not."
Space Monkey: "Yes it is! It's Bubble Bobble!"
Sage: "No, this is Super Bust A Move."
(10 minutes later as Rose is still playing)
Space Monkey: "Man, I haven't seen Bubble Bobble in forever."
Sage: "This is not Bubble Bobble, it's Super Bust A Move."
(10 minutes later, Rose bounces a ball off of the ceiling to make a shot)
Space Monkey: "Dude, in the original Bubble Bobble you couldn't bounce them off of ceilings."
Sage: "It's not-... OK, this is going in the quotes page."
(Sage, Space Monkey, and Rose try to decide what movie to see)
Rose: "So... either X-Men 2 or House Of 1000 Corpses."
Sage: "Well, if we go see House Of 1000 Corpses, then I've got material to do really twisted shit to you guys in the games."
Space Monkey: "X-Men."
(As Rose whoops Space Monkey's ass in Super Bust A Move)
Sage: "Damn, honey, go easy on him, you're going to damage his pride, and that's, like, Ag."
(After seeing House Of 1000 Corpses, as Sage returns to car where Rose waited at his house)
Rose: "I saw that! You had your hand on your gun!"
Sage: "No! I had my hand on my second gun! My first gun is still in my pocket with my big knife."
Sage: "Man, it sucks having this huge wad of money sitting here and knowing I can't spend it because it's not really mine."
Andy: "Dude, go buy some stuff."
Sage: "I would, but I would have a bunch of angry Matrix fans wanting to see me hanged."
Andy: "Screw that, let's go buy some wigs."
Waitress: "OK, are you all ready to order?"
Sage screams
Waitress: "I'll get you last."
Waitress: "Do you guys want the mozerella sticks earlier or do you want it all together?"
Sage: "All together, just bring it in one big orgy of food!"
(Waitress brings crackers and bread. Sage grabs bread maniacally) Sage: "Bread, score!"
Sage - scaring waitresses since 1984
Sage: "Ah! This chicken is rediculously hot!"
Old Man: "Well why do you think they call it Napalm Death Chicken?"
Sage: "I don�t think Phil could handle that I now have the superior shirt. What do you think?"
Rose: "I think men are funny."
Sage: "One day, I will be the alpha male."
Space Monkey: "Oh man� that means there�s gonna be a beta Sage."
Rose: "I�m going to do your hair."
Sage: "Oh no you don�t� �Do your hair� is like, female language for, �freaky head jerking oil party�."
(Soon after�)
Sage: "What the hell is that? That looks bad!"
Rose: "Is gel bad?"
Sage: "Yes!"
Rose: "Well� it�s not gel!"
(Soon after�)
Sage: "What the fuck? I heard steel!"
Dave: "Let�s go to Taco Bell, I left my drink earlier, I think it�s probably still there."
Sage: "Besides, I'm getting old, and you can't teach an old person new tricks."
Liz: "Dude... I�m older than you...."
Sage: "Yeah, crone."
Liz: "You just said you�re getting old. How am I a crone?"
Sage: "Well, if I�m old, and you're even older... do you have fucking Alzheimer�s or something? Do the math, babe."
Liz: "I�m not a math major damn it."
Sage: "Clearly."
Elisa: "If you�re hungry, there�s a pork chop in the bath tub." (It was there indeed, right next to the jello)
Mark (taking a drink of something clear, in a bottle): "What�s this?"
Sage: "I�m not sure exactly. It�s not booze, it�s just not water either. It�s one of those weird things between booze and water."
Sage: "HAHA! Your shiny vagina is no match for my umbrella!"
Sage�s sister (As Sage plays with his sword): "I don�t want that pointed at me."
Sage: "Why? Because I might accidentally fire it off?"
Sage: "There are few things more dangerous than an antagonist who believes he is the protagonist."
Sage: "I need to find some kind of nemesis or something so I can put my sword to use. If I keep testing it on things in my room, the next time you come over, you're going to see every shelf broken, my bean bag, mattress, and pillows all gutted and eviscerated, my little dragon beheaded."
Space Monkey: "You need to hunt, with just your sword."
Sage: "Yeah! Score!"
Space Monkey: "Yeah. Tie your sword to a branch. You could be a ninja."
Old Man: "It's all right, while you weren't worrying, I was worrying for you."
Sage: "Well, OK, just as long as one of us was worrying at all times."
Sage: "Just tell me that I'm not going to find naked pictures of you on the internet."
Rose: "Of course not. You don't look for porn on the internet."
Sage: "Don't you wish terrorists would attack the hotel right now? I mean, there's so many people walking around with swords, so combat ready, just itching to use them. It would be great."
Sage: "Do you have change for a ten?"
Rose: "Here, give me your ten." (Sage hands her the ten, she gives him a five and three singles� Rose sits as if the problem is solved� Sage stares at the money in his hand "Wha?� Is this your solution? Is this the transaction here, are we done?"
Sage: "I'm busily preparing for the game tonight. Its gonna rock the house. And I mean the whole house. It's not just going to like, rock the foyer and make little vibrations in the living room, the whole house is gonna rock."
(Rose being upset)
Sage: "Is this like, time-of-the-month anger you're giving me?"
Rose: "No! No... Maybe, yeah."
Sage: "I should go to sleep soon, I'm starting to get a little weird."
Rose: "You're always weird."
Sage: "Yeah, but not... clicking weird."
Rose: "Thanks for dinner."
Sage: "Yeah, that was great, especially the corn. That was some hard core corn."
Sage's mom: "Hard core corn?� It was just corn."
Sage: "No, it was awesome."
Sage's mom: "... I don't make hard core food."
Old Man: "Come on, say it!"
Andrew: "No� there's people around."
Old Man: "Yeah, but look at them," (points to Mexicans) "they probably don't even speak English."
Andrew: "Yeah, so does that mean they can't hear English?"
Sage: "Our pack in Adam's game doesn't elect an Alpha."
Rose: "I would have thought it was pretty common to do that."
Sage: "Well, wherever i go, commonalities seem to die... wait a second, commonality actually means a large group of people... oh well, that works too."
Rose: "So you would be OK with me having a lesbian lover?"
Sage: "We'll see... No wait, there's no reason to see, no we won't!"
(Rose walks into elevator of MCC, a two story building)
Fidgety Guy: "So, uh... which floor do you want?"
Rose: "Well, I was thinking, the other one."
Old Man: "Don't diss the Maiden, man!!!"
Janet: "I don't even really know who Iron Maiden is."
Old Man: "OK, I'll give you the quick version. Once there was a band, they were the Maiden. And the Maiden was good. Then one day, the Maiden was dissed, and it was very bad."
Space Monkey: "Yes! I am a genius! I got all the fonts and margins and shit to work perfectly, and the whole shibang is in one file! I am a genius! I even labeled the file 'Genius'. But I think I spelled genius wrong."
Sage: "I'm a kitty."
(Many many minutes into Kevin's Cutco sales pitch, when we were very hungry)
Rose: "What time is it?"
Sage: "Time has lost all meaning."
Sage (yelling at someone pulling into an intersection as he does): "No! My turn to go! Not you, PERSON!"
Rose: "What are they doing?"
Sage: "Well, they�re flying Stealth Bombers, they�re probably Stealth Bombing.�34;
Sage: "That's great. Kitty's like �lovely?�, with this Shakespearean British sort of sound, and Space Monkey is like �yea�, sounding all modern American."
Kitty: "OK Sage, Wierdo."
Sage: "Yeah, I�m weird, that�s it, because all the normal people talk like they wish they were in Romeo and Macbeth's High School Reunion."
Female: "What, are you saying I'm retarded?"
Sage: "I didn't say that. I merely commented that the things you say and the things you do are retarded. If you choose to infer that this in fact makes you retarded, then do as you wish, but that isn't what I said."
Sage: "We should make a game called Vegan: The Starving."
Sage's Older Sister: "Are we in Illinois yet, or still in Indiana?"
Sage's Younger Sister, examining map: "Indiana."
Sage's Older Sister: "How far are we from Illinois?"
Sage's Younger Sister: "Um... Like half a centimeter."
Sage: "Great, pull forward!"
Kitty: "Wow, the 4th of july. Doesn't it make you want to say God Bless the Chinese?"
Sage: "I think it would have been great to be a pearl diver. You just swim out and spend all day diving and looking for pearls. And if you find a pearl, you�re hard core."
Little Girl: "And what if you don�t find a pearl?"
Sage: "Then your family starves!"
Everyone breaks out in laughter
Old Man: "Wow, so that�s what makes us laugh, the thought of families starving."
Space Monkey: "If you could have sex with one person besides me, who would it be?"
Kitty: "I want to have sex with God. No wait! I want to screw Jesus; corrupt him."
Sage, undressing, in Brittish Accent: "Look at my body... It�s so remarkably attractive." Strokes chest. "Look at me touch it... Wouldn�t you like to touch it?... But you can�t."
Sage: "Why would they burn Tom Sawyer?"
Space Monkey: "Because it depicts profane acts of... lollygagging."
Sage: "Yeah, and tomfoolery."
Sage: "Yeah, if your hand wants to just stay right there, that would be fine."
Rose: "Give me a moment to confer with my hand."
Old Man: "I'm not looking forward to turning 25."
Sage: "Just don't tell people you've turned 25. Just keep saying you're 24, and gradually, Janet will come to be the same age as you."
(As we drive through a cemetery)
Sage: "What would you think if we had a crypt? We could take all our worldly posessions in there with us when we die."
Rose: "But then there's grave robbers, I don't want to have to deal with that."
Rose: "It's loose."
Sage: "You're loose."
Rose: "No I'm not, I'm tight... At least I think I am... I hope I am... Aren't I?! Oh God!"
Sage: "I thought you just called Carrie."
Laura: "No, I just called Nicole."
Sage: "God damn it, all your friends with their different names. Why can�t all your friends just pick a name and go with it?"
Rose: "What are you doing?"
Sage: "I'm rubbing up against your chest like a kitty."
Rose: "But you're not a kitty."
Sage: "No, but I do like boobies."
Sage as the Stranger: "Muwahaha! More children!... Bah! My door is locked!"
Sage as the Stranger: "Time ta git me a yungin."
Space Monkey: "Click on (whatever the fuck the file name was)... Did it open?"
Sage: "Yes... Jesus, It's opened in something that looks like the bastard love child of Microsoft Word and Internet Explorer."
Sage: "Wow, she's fucking pathetic... I mean, I respect her views."
Sage: "Hmm... You know, its surprising, but Real Life Comics is actually pretty funny."
Space Monkey: "I told you that two years ago."
Sage: "I know... I never listen..."
Sage: "That's it, I'm gonna tie you to the peace pole and beat the hell out of you."
Sage pokes Rose with pointy object in the leg)
Rose: "Ass!"
Sage: "I'm gonna kill you!"
A few moments of silence pass, before both break into hysterical laughter.
Space Monkey: "GAH! I'm going to turn 20 soon. I'm going through a quarter-life crisis."
Sage: "I wanna cuddle! I'm gonna cuddle you 'til you bleed!"
Sage: "Wow, I thought I was making minumum wage, but minimum wage is actually like 5.15. I suppose I would work for 5.15 per hour, so long as my job was getting my dick sucked and drinking a lot."
Sage: "The consensus was that on that saturday, you would do your dirty sinful deeds with Kitty, then once you took her home, the three of us would go and get drunk or kill the devil or something."
Sage (1:30 PM): "Yeah, we'll meet you there, I just need a few minutes to kind of wake up."
Space Monkey: "I find that a nice jolt of electric current to the testicles works well."
Sage: "Ah, the things you learn at an engineering college."
(A man emerges from the porno room at Dollar Video, and walks past)
Sage (leaning toward the passing man): "Siiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn."
Sage: "I wish I had me one of them aluminum trees."
Rose: "Honey, there's no such thing as an aluminum tree."
Space Monkey (very serious tone): "Sure there is, where do you think they get aluminum from?"
Rose: "Aluminum is a metal! You mine it, you don't grow it!"
Sage (also totally serious tone): "Honey, not all metals come from mines. A lot of the transitional metals come from the byproducts of plants."
Rose (for a moment actually considering this): "But... I think..."
Space Monkey and Sage both bust out laughing, no longer able to contain themselves.
Kitty: "What exactly is the appeal of the corset for you?"
Sage: "Well, for me, any time you have something that's sacrificing function or comfort for the sake of beauty, it's attractive. That whole idea is very erotic." (A few seconds of pause) "See, that's how you know I'm an intellectual. I don't get turned on by women, I get turned on by concepts."
Sara: "I guess I'm just really pissed off at God."
Sage: "Why? Did he sleep with your wife?"
Sara: "I don't have a wife."
Sage: "Well, that's good, because if you did, you and God being on the outs and all, he probably would have slept with her."
Sara: "Really?"
Sage: "Yeah, it happened to my friend Joe, then it turned out his girl was knocked up, and everything got really complicated."