This column appeared in the Journal following news reports that the new Harry Potter book would not be in the bookstores as scheduled.

Ms. J.K. Rowling
Perthshire, Scotland

Dear Ms. Rowling:
I am writing to tell you how very sorry I am to hear that you are having a difficult time finishing off your fifth Harry Potter book.
Is it true that you missed your second deadline? That is too bad. But unlike some of those nasty Fleet Street writers who are giving you a hard time about it, I assure you that I understand. Sure, the kiddies will have to go another Christmas without one of your stories under the tree. From what I hear, though, that could turn out well for you.
It is reported, vicious rumors, I'm sure, that there will be more assorted violence, death and even sex in the book you are currently slaving over. That could cause some bad publicity. If you continue at your current pace, however, you should finish the book at about the same time that your target audience starts attending R-rated movies without their parents' consent. End of problem. I commend you on your creative and, dare I say, inspired solution to a potential problem.
I know something about the pressures of writing on deadline. I must do it every week. It is not easy. At the place where I work, we have what our boss calls a "special incentive" program to keep the words flowing on time. It is actually our copy boy, Gus. He is a very big man. Like Hagrid, I would say. Anyway, when I have trouble with a column, he appears at my office door and says, "Ya done yet?" Then he cracks his knuckles, making a sound reminiscent of the inside of the Plymouth Kiwanis popcorn wagon during their busy times. Like magic, I am inspired! Trust me, seven hundred words are nothing after he stops by.
I asked the other writers here and we would be happy to share him with you. We have already chipped in for the plane ticket. Please let me know as soon as possible. Please.
I think the silly British writers are saying those nasty things because they are jealous. I cannot believe they said you were too busy nitpicking the Harry Potter movies and merchandising to write. That is so untrue. I mean, surely you, the keeper of all that is Harry Potter, would not allow his image to adorn things as pedestrian as vomit-flavored jelly beans and Scabbers the Rat puppet hats.
Some are also saying that you are too fond of the good life to write. Good grief, you have plenty of time to write while being driven between your estates in Edinburgh and Kensington. From what I hear, you could polish off a chapter while going from one end of your Perthshire estate to the other. Those people do not know what they are writing about.
I know that life is tough, Ms. Rowling, but your net worth is more than that of some countries. You will never again have to lower yourself to write in your brother-in-law's coffee shop. All you have to do is dump a story line on paper. Your editors will clean it up. That is what they are for, right? And munchkins and their parents, from Waterstone's to the Little Book Shoppe on the Park, will don their wizard hats and round-rimmed glasses and pull out their VISA cards to buy whatever you give them. Then, you can kill Harry off in Book Six and be rid of him. Oh, that's right. You already thought of that. Or so the rumors go. wink, wink.
So don't worry about what those mean reporters are saying. Over here, in the land of Barnes & Noble and the New York Times Bestseller's List, we anxiously await your next book. Our money is your money.
Oh, and let me know about Gus, okay?
Sincerely,
Russ