I look at the clock as I step out from the shower
There goes a second, a minute, an hour
A week passes by then a month and a year
The things that went on seem too unclear
Do I choose to forget, or do I forget to choose?
Is it the pain that I'm waiting to lose?
I try not to remember though I know that I can
Maybe I'm scared of it happening again
My heart has been healed to a certain extent
But I still can recall those letters he sent
His handwriting, his words; it all seems so clear
It's been so long but the pain is still here.
S.G

 

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

Dear God
I don't ask for much
And you know that's it's true
Because everything I need
I can find inside of me
But now I need a favor
And I had to come to you
Please listen to me
And tell me what to do
"I've got this friend"
Yeah, you know who she is
And she's going through a rough time now
There are so many things she's wanted to say
But she feels there's just no way
It seems that she's been battered and bruised
He took from her her childhood
It was time she took a stand
She had to become a woman
Under his hurtful hand
Her wounds have healed and she looks just fine
But God, if you only knew.
She lies awake at night
Hoping to shine some light
Praying that she'll pull through
Oh God if you only knew
Her past is closing in on her
And it scares her half to death
All the thoughts and fears
Racing inside her head
Is she going crazy?
She thinks it all the time
She wants to cry but she's afraid
Oh God, if you only knew
She needs you to hold on to her
And to pull her through.
She's been hurting herself you see
Somehow she has it in her head
That her punishment is due
Please take a moment to look in on "this friend"
Oh god if you only knew
She's not asking for a fairy tale
She's asking for a chance
It's gonna be a long road
But she can't even begin.
She's got someone buy her side
She feels she hurts him too
Because all the time she hears him cry
And she feels like she could die
She'd never hurt him by choice
She tells him her story and his eyes grow moist
Oh god if you only knew
If you could please help her
And make it go alright.
I don't ask much
And you know that it's true.
But "I've got this friend"
And right now she needs you
Oh God if you only knew.
Oh god I believe in you,
And I am just a friend
 2-15-99
 

The Past Lives On In The Future

Why does the past live on through the years?
Those memories I have still cause me my tears
The people that hurt me must know I still cry
When the pain gets so bad, I wish I would die
Pain builds up so much that it causes me to run
But before I do give up, you'll pay for what you've done
What you did to me was far from fair
You made me believe that you really did care
My innocence was stolen as well as my pride
If only you could see the pain I feel inside
It would scare you to see what I hold in my heart
The betrayal you gave me is what tore me apart
I trusted you so much and I thought you were my friend
I wonder if this feeling of agony will ever end
I'm terrified to trust someone so much as I did you
If only you could see what you put me through
I've suffered enough and I hurt for so long
To feel this bad, I must have done something wrong
I can't carry this much longer, this pain weighs a ton
Everyday I ask God what it is that I've done
How can people say to forget and forgive?
There are times that I wish that I would not live
Every time that I think, I tend to see your face
God, why won't you take me out of this place?!
                        S.G

                                    CHALLENGES
                             When the challenges of life have
                                     got you down -
                                      Remember
                                 There is nothing so bad
                                  it can’t be worked out
                                 There is nothing so bad
                                 you must face it alone
                                 There is nothing so bad
                                  to make you give up
                              Draw strength from you friends
                              they’ll provide support and love
                                  Hold your head high
                                 keep positive thoughts
                                 Though problems exist
                                    life is not so bad
                                   You can beat them
                                  before they beat you
                               You will be challenged in life
                                   face each head on
                                forge ahead - overcome
                                      By Marsha

 

                                                             TIME HEALS
                                                          I’ve heard it said ...
                                                       Time heals all wounds
                                                What of the wounds so painful
                                               You’ve buried them deep inside
                                               Buried those these feelings are
                                            They come to life from time to time
                                                      When to life they come
                                                       They cause great pain
                                                                 So tell me
                                                            Is it really TRUE
                                                      Time heals all wounds!
                                                                 By Marsha
 
 

The Day My Life Begun

Something horrible happened the day my life begun
I couldn't face my problems, so I began to run
I ran so fast, so much, and so long
Everything in my life started to go wrong
I knew not what to do, except give up hope
So I did, and with the world, I could no longer cope
My pain was so deep and it was hard to hide
It got so hard to keep all that pain inside
I started acting out in ways I can't explain
I couldn't run forever, I was drowning in my pain
I reached the point where I no longer felt free
My life was falling apart right in front of me
There were times when I knew not what to do
People started to realize what I was going through
My soul was too worn out and tired to run
I felt as though my life was then done
I cried so much, I thought I would rust
It was hard to reach out because I had no more trust
It took a long time before I started to pray
But that's one of the reasons why I'm here today
My experience was tragic and it was so real
But I made a decision to let my heart heal
I made my healing a game that I was determined to win
So I reached out to some people and let them all in
I talked about what happened the day my life begun
As much as I wanted to leave, I knew I couldn't run
I discussed everything that happened and understood more
I felt more relief than I have ever felt before
The experiences I had were tough to get through
But to patch up my wounds, that's what I had to do
The day my life begun is not important anymore
My life has now changed and it's much better than before
S.G

                                       FUTURE
                                   I asked the Past ...
                               Why has life been so hard?
                                   The Past replied ...
                                 To help you grow strong
                                 I asked the Present ...
                           Why have the challenges lessened?
                                 The Present replied ...
                                To give you time to reflect,
                                make choices in your life.
                                  I asked the Future ...
                                   What do you hold?
                                  The Future replied ...
                                  Your fate goes untold
                                The Past and the Present
                                 Having done their job,
                          Leaves the future, in your hands alone.
                            I trust that you, will reach for the sky,
                                Do the best you are able,
                                  That is all that I ask.
                                      By Marsha

            I HAVE HOPE
            I’m Scared ...
            because I want to share my thoughts and feelings with you
            this is not who I normally am
            because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt (again)
            this is not who you are
            that I may fall in love and not be able to handle it
            this is who I don’t want to be
            that I’ll try to push you away
            I don’t want that, don’t let me
            that I’ll need more emotional support than you can give
            be there as a friend.
            I Hope ...
            that I will always trust you enough to share my
            thoughts and feelings
            that you will never do anything to hurt me
            that someday I will will fall in love and it will be
            wonderful
            that I will never push you away and if I try
            you will draw me back
            that I will never become an emotional burden.
            I have HOPE that someday my life will be happy and I will
            truly be able to enjoy life!
            By Marsha

Shattered Kiss

Reliving those days drawn deep in my past
Recalling the agony I wish would just cast
But then lingered on as a most difficult strife
Who thought that a kiss could destroy someone's life
I searched through my soul and saw through my heart
All the terror within and my pride ripped apart
My feelings were there and were left all around
No one could see them but my feelings were found
Shattered and torn I was stripped to the core
The expression on his face just hurt even more
Then I sat speechless with no emotions to show
I hid the big secret so no one would know
But then soon enough it was a secret no more
As mom heard what happened, I felt worse than before
I was ashamed of the kiss and felt extremely betrayed
I acted so frightened cause I was afraid
My insides were wounded and recovery I seeked
But that was impossible, for my strength was too weak
All I could do is shed one more tear
So I cringed in the corner and sat with great fear
There he was the next day, he thought he was tough
To face him again, after that, it was rough
But somehow I did it, I had no other choice
I still can recall the cowardness in his voice
It seemed like forever and the day took so long
To him it was pleasure but he knew he was wrong
I stared at the clock as each minute went by
Each time I saw him, I wanted to die
My heart was confused and it started to race
I begged God to take me to a less painful place
I explained to Him then that my suffering was real
It was then that I realize my heart had just healed
God gave me the courage and strength to move on
So I took what he gave me and all my pain then was gone
I thank God for helping me and keeping me alive
Without His fulfillment's, it would be hard to survive
S.G
                                    IF I SHOW YOU
                                  If I show you I care ...
                                 Will you stick around?
                                  If I show you I need ...
                                Will you provide for me?
                                If I show you I’m lonely ...
                                 Will you be my friend?
                                 If I show you my pain ...
                                  Will you comfort me?
                                 If I show you I’m sad ...
                                 Will you cheer me up?
                                If I show signs of retreat ...
                                 Will you draw me out?
                                 If I show you my past ...
                                  Will you understand?
                                If I show you I love you ...
                                 Will you love me back?
                                      By Marsha

                                   Sitting here
                              on the rocks, gazing at the sea
                                  Many things out there
                                        to see
                           I see the sun .. reflect upon the water
                           I see the water .. ebbing with the tide
                              I see the seagulls .. flying free
                               I see the ships .. so far away
                                   Reflecting on Life
                                   the good, the bad
                                  Many things out there
                                        to see
                                   I see .. Challenges
                                     good and bad
                                     I see .. Myself
                               free to choose my own way
                                   I see .. the Future
                                 far away, yet reachable
                                    I see .. the Past
                                  what has gone wrong
                                  what has gone right
                                     I see .. Today
                                     full of choices
                                    ups and downs
                                   Life like the Ocean
                                   holds many things
                                     each of these
                               making Life and the Ocean
                            what it has been .. is .. and will be
                                      By Marsha

            Sept 1998
            I Wonder ....
            Where my childhood went
            Why it was taken away
            Why life’s so full of pain
            Will it ever end
            How I can learn to trust
            Let others be a part of my life
            Why the sun shines bright
            When all I see is darkness
            Why darkness must come
            When I fear the night
            Why others still care
            When I’ve all but given up
            Why I feel so lost and alone
            When others are around
            If time heals all wounds
            When they hurt so bad
            When I’ll be happy again
            And really be able to enjoy life
            By Marsha
 

Silence

As I close my eyes, I form a picture in my mind
Imagining the way it should have been
Or rather, the way it would have been
If only I spoke of what went on
Then maybe my life wouldn't be so complicated
I would have saved them all such pain
I speak as if my life is no longer
As if it's coming to an end
I think that's just the way I feel
I remember those times if my childhood
The haunting past that stayed so long
I live it over and over like only the past exists
Almost as if there is no future
It just doesn't make sense to me
They say painful experiences are a part of life
They say they make you stronger
They say they happen for a reason
They say all of this, but why?
I don't think they really know
Can anyone hear me, or am I alone?
S.G

                                                         SERENITY ISLAND
                                                    the Sand, pure and warm
                                                absorbs the tension of you life
                                               the Ocean, rolling in, flowing out
                                               draws away the pain in your life
                                                   the Breeze, soft and gentle
                                         whispers, to you, encouraging thoughts
                                                  the Sun, radiant and friendly
                                          hugs you gently, brightening your day
                                            Serenity Island, the perfect escape
                                                   when you need to get away
                                                          without going away
                                           Serenity Island, where does it exist?
                                                         It exist in your mind,
                                                   in the minds of your friends
                                              Visit sometime - relax and enjoy
                                                             You deserve it!
                                                                 By Marsha

Not So Much Me

My heart beats rapidly as I focus on me
Not so much me, but the feelings I possess inside
Is it necessary to feel like this?
Or am I given a choice?
A choice in which I make alone
With no help from anyone
Especially those who say they care
And I know they do care
But it doesn't help to know that
Because I feel extremely ashamed
Ashamed of what took place in my life
That kiss that lasted three heart beats,
To me felt like an eternity
To him it was pleasure, or was it?
I'll never know, will I?
I possess a desire to hate
Though I am confused at times
Some days I am willing to forgive
But other I am not
Is it because my heart's confused?
Or am I not ready?
Will this depressing confusion linger on?
I guess I'll never know.
S.G

                                               SOMEONE
                              Someone out there - is in need
                    Extend them a helping hand, Show them that you care
                               Someone out there - is sad
                          Make them laugh, Bring joy to their life
                              Someone out there - is hurting
                       Console them, Give them a shoulder to lean on
                              Someone out there - is scared
                       Assure them it will be okay, Be there for them
                               Someone out there - is lost
                        Help them find their way, Give them direction
                           Someone out there - wants to give up
                 Show them life is not that bad, Give them a reason to go on
                           Someone out there has done wrong
                         Forgive them, Give them a second chance
                    Someone out there - doesn’t know how to ask for help
                        Help them anyway, Show them that you care
                            Someone out there - needs a friend
                            Don’t pass judgment, Just be there!
                                      By Marsha

            THE PAST
            The pain from my past, that goes untold ...
            That I conceal from all to deal with alone
            Creeps into my life at least opportune times
            Affecting my future making it hard to trust and to love
            Which revealing might help must be kept locked in my mind.
            The pain from my past, that goes untold ...
            I’ll do my best to push it aside, not let it control
            If my best doesn’t work, don’t let me push you away
            Stand by my side, give me strength and support
            For with you by my side, happiness will prevail.
            By Marsha

Feeling of Despair
Placing pain upon your soul can damage a heart forever
Feeling as if living in tragedy is what you can depend on
Wounds so deep can heal, but it seems like an eternity
When pierced with trauma, you find a way to break loose
But departing from your insides can only last a short while
It's the returning of your body that feels so bad
After a while you start to get used to the feeling of despair
You're willing to accept the same feeling of agony over and over again
Only because you've felt it so long
Betrayal will build up so much power until it becomes an impact
It takes away more and more love each time it is felt
And when your heart can take no more, it escapes
Your entire heart becomes so empty
And the remainings absorb the pain that it's used to holding
Your heart is filled with pain, but the heart is not fulfilled
Negativity has entered you heart, and it feels like emptiness
Even though it's filled with pain, your heart feels so hollow
When you heart becomes so bruised, your mind is then affected
You build up ideas in your head that you never thought you'd think
It's scary when you feel your thoughts are becoming a reality
When you can't control your mind, you start to imagine voices
Not so much voices, but screaming in your head
The dream of rebuilding your heart becomes so distant
Because now all you can focus on is what's going on in your head
It's almost like you wait for pain to arrive
And for some reason, the pain is always punctual
S.G
                                            12/13/98

                      They call themselves family and say they love you
                               You believe them as a child
                                Why would they hurt you?
                                  Why would they lie?
                                 You learn as you grow
                                 That all they did was lie
                                 They did not protect you
                                They did not respect you
                             How could they have loved you?
                               Life shaped in my childhood
                              Learning not to trust or to love
                              Not asking for help, for no one
                                    Would be there
                             Life being reshaped as an adult
                                  Not easy by far, but a
                                   Road I must travel
                        The journey sometimes too much to handle
                       Wanting to give it all up, no strength to move on
                            Tired of my emotions running wild
                            Sometimes I just can’t take the pain
                                      By Marsha

                 7/98

                                   I put my trust in you
                                    as a child does
                               to teach me right from wrong
                            so I could one day judge for myself
                                to show unconditional love
                             so I could one day do the same
                                 to protect from all harm
                                so I could grow up happy
                                   to always be there
                              so I would know who you were
                                   I put my trust in you
                                    as a child does
                           you showed me not right from wrong
                                  but how to hurt others
                             you showed me not how to love
                             but that love is not to be trusted
                            you showed me not how to protect
                             but that harm will cause me pain
                        you showed me not how you would be there
                      but that turning to another was better than staying
                                   I put my trust in you
                                    as a child does
                              and yet Father - you failed me.
                                      By Marsha


           12/13/98
            Waiting
            I wait for the day
            When the good out number the bad
            When the past does not rule the future
            When being near others
            Does not cause anxiety
            When the dark becomes a friend
            No longer an enemy
            When someplace other than home
            Feels safe
            When I learn to release my anger
            In a way that is safe
            When I can trust others
            Without a gnawing doubt
            When the love of others and for others
            Comes with trust
            When I can reach out and
            Love my daughter
            When asking for help
            Does not take all that I have
            By Marsha

Choice of Death

My mind is not at all easily read
Nor are the thoughts that run through my head
Within lies a painful and frightening story
Beware of the words, you won't find much glory
Before you begin to read the first page
Carefully examine the cover of rage
I must warn you, it's not at all good
If I could change it, believe me, I would
If dying were easy, I'd already be dead
I haven't the guts to put a gun to my head
There's a lump in my throat from the tears that I cry
I think we all know when it's our time to die
Heaven is the place where I'd like to be
If only death would soon set me free
It may be selfish, but I know what's best
Life is too painful so put me to rest
Listen to me, it's no a big deal
It's just that the pain is becoming so real
S.G

         Jan 1999

Why did the Bastard take my childhood away?
What made him think he had a
“right”
To use me, abuse me, as he did.
My childhood take away from
Me By not only him, but others as well.
Why does a parent not see when  A child is hurting inside
Did I hide it so well they did not see.
@ 2/1/99 By Marsha

                                                 I hate the pain I’m in right now
                                           Every little thing seems to set me off
                                                         I FUCKING hate it!!!
                                                I know I’m doing the best I can
                                              I know that what I’ve done is right
                                            It does not make it easier to handle
                                                    Only easier to understand
                                                                    HATE!
                                                         @2/1/99 By Marsha

 

Better Someday

I often find myself in a deep state of mind
There are answers to questions I can't seem to find
My mind is confused as well as my heart
There are pieces within that are missing a part
My wounds were not healed and still they are deep
The cause of my pain makes it harder to sleep
Horrible things took place in my life
My heart has been stabbed with more than a knife
Hurt and beaten, my insides were torn
Sometimes I wish I could have never been born
The meaning of life to me seems so strange
My life will be better as my feelings do change
S.G

                                      Jan 1999

                                I can’t stand to be touched
                                I can’t stand to be hugged
                          I can’t stand that I can’t love my daughter
                           I can’t stand that I hurt so much inside
                             I can’t stand who I am right now
                          I can’t stand that the anger is so built up
                       I can’t understand why it’s so hard to reach out
                    I can’t stand knowing no would see what was going on
                         I can’t stand that I don’t feel safe anywhere
                       I can’t understand why this happened to ME!!!
                                      By Marsha
 

            Jan 1999

            I promised you
            My abuse would go no further
            I would never end my life
            If not for these promises
            I’m not sure what
            I would do at times
            I care too much about you to
            Ever hurt you in that way
            I care too much about others to
            Ever hurt them in that way
            I promised myself
            No matter how hard life gets
            I will never give up
            I will not let “THEM” win
            I will work hard to move forward and heal
            I have survived and I will heal
            With the love and understanding
            Of my friends
            By Marsha

Deep Intuition
 

Can you look deep into my eyes
So deep a stare that I feel a burning sensation
Can you  know my heart without feeling what I do
To know that pain is ever so a part of me
Can you hear the anger in words I tend to speak
Or feel that intuition that tells you something strong
Something so strong it can change a persons life-
Even save you from the horror of true pain
To be so familiar with my heart to know it skipped a beat
And foresee the coming of my great explosion so you can prepare yourself
I felt so much, my heart knows not another feeling
And yet, the significance is considered great
S.G

Jan 1999

                           I have found out on my journey to heal
                          That I have inner strength and courage
                              That I did not know was there
                         That there are others out there just like me
                     Giving me hope that one-day life can be “full” again
                     That there are very caring, loving and understanding
                                  People in this world
                       That sometimes you need to reach out for help
                       You can not or should not have to travel alone
                                 That by helping others
                                 I am able to help myself
                                      By Marsha

Beyond Rage

Sometimes I feel like no one cares about me
A lot of times I don't care about myself
It doesn't make sense....I know people care
Still it don't make a difference-I cannot feel it
It seems as though my heart absorbs nothing but pain
I understand depression because I'm so use to it
My only way out is a form of self-isolation
I can't feel happy-I mustn't deserve it
I can't feel pain-It hurts too bad
I need to die-It will all be gone
I beg for forgiveness-I don't want to suffer
I feel angry and full of hate
I want to hurt everyone who did this to me
I obviously deserve to burn in hell
But I won't go alone-
I'll take you with me
I can't suffer anymore because I've suffered too much
But you, your hell has just begun
And as long as I'm there with you...
I'll make you choke on your fear
When I'm done with you, you'll be beyond terrified
Just like me, you'll be torn!
S.G

                                                    Jan 1999

                                                      Did I let him abuse me?
                                                           Did I tell anyone?
                                                                Could I tell?
                                           NO!  It wasn’t my fault this happened
                                       Although the guilt and shame is still there.
                                                           Was I scare to tell
                                                    Afraid no one would listen
                                              Afraid no one would believe me.
                                      Could anyone tell how much I was hurting?
                                     Did they choose to ignore what they saw or
                                          Were they so wrapped up in their own
                                              Lives they could not see my pain.
                                             Did I turn to him for “love” that I did
                                                           Not get at home?
                                                Because he showed me “love”
                                                    When others did not, even
                                                Though that “love” was wrong.
                                                                 By Marsha

My friends look at me as if I'm a bum
They believe my choices are stupid and dumb
I'm messed up right now, I'm trying hard to write
I'm free of having to fear sleeping at night
Living through those scary dreams
Crying out with desperate screams
I lay here so calm and free in my bed
All the bad thoughts are gone from my head
I'm tired of the pain that lays within me
I'd much rather feel mellow and free
No more memories, no endless pain
Life without drugs would be completely insane
I don't care, let my brain fry
I think it's better than having to cry
S.G

                                       Jan 1999

                                  Memories of the past
                                    Haunt the future
                         Reliving the past, though it can not hurt you
                   Causes emotional pain sometimes too much to handle
                      The pain of knowing that the trauma of childhood
                         Effects those you love as well as yourself
                                  Everyday a challenge
                              Never knowing what to expect
                           Growing up faster than a child should
                      Because of adults who thought only of themselves
                          Who the HELL did they think they were!!
                                      By Marsha

            Jan 1999

            Beauty within
            Finding the strength to heal
            The courage to go on
            The strength to help others on
            Their journey to heal
            Helping others
            Helps yourself
            Gaining strength
            Everyday
            By Marsha

A Time In My Life
Sometimes I wonder why I am here
On occasion my insides build up with fear
Is it because my pain stays so long?
Maybe it's just that I did something wrong
There are times in my life when I haven't a clue
Why do I do the things that I do?
People expect me to always forgive
But that's hard to do when I don't want to live
I always do think about how I will die
Maybe I'll drown in these tears that I cry
Why does 24 hours seem like more than one day?
And where's my response, from God, when I pray?
Will things get better? Only time will tell
Until then, shall I live in this hell?
What should I do if I can't reach my goal?
And where should I go when out of control?
What do I dream about when I go to bed?
How do I get rid of these thoughts in my head?
How long will this pain I have, last?
When will I stop reliving my past?
What should I do if my love is betrayed?
Will I feel worthless, hurt, and afraid?
Why do people obsess on being rough?
Hurting me once was more than enough!
S.G

 
                                                                  Jan 1999

                                                       Set backs will happen
                                              Don’t let them get the best of you
                                                               Learn from it
                                                    Use it to help your healing
                                                                 By Marsha

                                       Jan 1999

                      I have survived the sexual abuse from childhood
                         Will I survive the healing from that abuse?
                    Where did I find the strength too take this journey that
                              So many others are travelling?
                      Somewhere deep inside it has always been there
                         How else could I have survived this long?
                    At times when I feel I have no more strength to go on
                     I draw my strength and hope from those who care,
                          Understand and have made the journey.
                                      By Marsha

A Journey Deep Down

Touch my hand
And feel my pulse
Become me for one hour
See what I see
Hear what I hear
Feel what I feel
It's quite exhausting
I must warn you
Tell me what your senses conclude
Help me go back
Find what made me happy
What made me want to live
Keep going, you're almost there
Just follow the sound of my heart
Wait. Stop! You've reached the deepest wound
Now travel through the past
It lays where you now stan
In my pounding heart
Feel free to take some pain
Can you see me as a child?
Innocent and free?
Now wak a little further down the road
I am older now but still a child
No longer innocent
Did you see them?
Did you see what they did?
That's when my heart began to blacken
Later on in life
Much later I must add
Six years to be exact
I held it all where you now stand
In this shattered heart of mine
Now we move on
And come across a breakdown
In which I could not deal with
Still cannot deal with
Every time I try, I come so close to closure
Then I become weak and of course I crumble
Stop traveling now
You've gone far enough
No one goes beyond this pain
I cannot share the rest
It's much too deep
Now find yhour way back
Ignore the pain that lays in my soul
It may surround you, but it belongs to me!
                S.G
 

         Jan 1999
            A True Friend
            Will understand your pain and
            Comfort when you are hurting
            Truly cares about you
            Wants only the best for you
            Will stand by you through thick and thin
            Without passing judgement
            Will encourage your when
            You are ready to give up
            Will not wait for you to ask for help
            Will offer it when they see you are in need
            Will make you laugh
            When all you want to do is cry
            Will be there in good times and bad
            Will not give up on you
            Will never put you down
            But will pick you up
            A True Friend
            Will love you unconditionally!
            By Marsha

                                 Jan 1999
                               You are very special to me
                                I love you with all my heart
                            Today you may not be able to see it
                      For you don’t really understand what is happening
                   Tomorrow you will understand that everything I’ve done
                                    I’ve done for you
                             To give you the best life possible
                           To ensure your safety as you grow up
                         To make sure you are loved and cared for
                                  The way you deserve
                     Everyday of life offers challengers and sometimes
                               That means making choices
                        Choices that sometimes hurt those we love
                                   Even if for the best
                         It is healthiest for you to live where you are
                              That decision hurt me because
                              I knew you would be hurt by it
                                You may not understand
                             You may feel abandoned by me
                                  That decision made
                         In order to give me a chance to get better
                         To make sure you receive the support and
                             Understanding that you deserve
                          To make sure that all of what I’m facing
                             Does not become your problem
                                      By Marsha

As i lay here in a state of confusion
There is something that appears so distinct
but as i recall that most powerful feeling
my memory begins to fade and unfasten
my eye seems to be captured by that appealing thought
though i remember it so vaguely, it all comes back to me
i try so hard to put it into an understanding perspective
but as i start to relive those days, i realize it's only a memory
all of a sudden I am satisfied by my remembrance
it was about someone who was fulled with compassion
I'm still unable to recall who this person was
my foreshadowing is incomplete but will soon be done
there was a strange obsession between us both
we did not openly express this sacred relationship
it would have been perfect if we admitted our feelings
no matter what we said, it remained nevertheless
as time went by, i started to acquire certain ideas
i felt full of hostility
i cannot get over how foolish i was and still am
i chose not to remember who this person was,
but i can't not remember him
S.G
 

                                                                     Jan 1999

                                                          I want you to know
                                                         That I really love you
                                                 That all I have done is for you
                                                 That I know this hurts you too
                                                                 By Marsha

                        Why do I retreat and pull away from everyone
                             When they are just trying to help
                                      By Marsha

Walking the Road of Life
 

I'm walking down a winding road
Revealing my strongest desire
No one's there to understand
My burning heart of fire
I look to you for answers
As you attempt to hold my hand
But I pull away
For I fear your touch
Ever since the pain he caused
I felt discomfort throughout my soul
Never did I fear life itself
Until I was overpowered by a force
A force I call betrayal
Slowly drifting away is my scattered mind
Ever so slowly, I cannot control it
As I continue to walk this long road
I am disturbed by what I see
What appears to be a man
The same man whom at once I loved
Yet now hold feelings of hatred towards
For he has taken advantage of me
He knows it too, but he is afraid
Afraid to admit his wrongdoing
Fear of the consequence he might face
Still I believe he holds strong regret
For he has caused me pain
Yet still I am not sure
For this agony is much too deep
Each day goes by for the both of us
But only one of us still truly suffers
Me! I am the one who holds such fear
Fear of what may happen again
I know he suffers too
But there's a difference between us
He must live with his coward self
Whereas I can bravely face anyone
Because I know not to feel ashamed
Though my heart feels one thing
My mind thinks another.
S.G

4/18/99

I am remembering the past
 the pain too much to bare  recalling the abuse
  sexual  emotional  by those I trusted  those that were to embrace and
  protect me  The hunger of their power so  great at the moment
 They didn't stop to consider the  life they are taking
  the ache in the heart of a child The lingering pain for which
 there is no escape A life so dark
 the only way out seems to be a
  permanent one  for my dreams of being happy
  have been over-shadowed with
  enormous pain

4/18/99

his hand reaching out
 to touch my breast
I cringe
 hold my breath
 wanting to scream
 wanting to escape
 can't
  he has me cornered
Repulsed
 can't move
 want to get away
 no one to help
 no one to save me
Scared
 feeling small
  powerless
  manipulated by the BASTARD
 he whispers
  "You like it, don't you?"
 all I can do is
  nod my head yes
  not trusting my words
He smiles with pleasure
 so FUCKING proud of himself.

4/18/99

Life
is there a meaning to all of this
a storm rages inside my head, my heart
 Life a living HELL
No more dreams to come true
No laughter to embrace
My world falling apart escape the only way
to stop the pain
dying   taking it away for
        Eternity

4/19/99

Death
An eternal end to all
my pain Never having to hurt again
Those left behind will embrace each other
Remembering what they thought my life was
Not knowing what it really was

                                Darkness of Winter

I can feel the cold crisp air of fall pushing summer farther away with each passing day and I feel sad.
Sad that the comfort and warmth that comes with summer will be out of my reach when my soul needs it the most.
The cold dark winter that autumn so eagerly welcomes Darkens my soul to where I feel as though it has shriveled up and died.
I long for the warmth that was just mine days ago. A warmth that can comfort my scared soul. It is a warmth that comes from more than the sun.
Maybe it is the carefree days that summer can bring, or the calm of the surf. Witnessing the vastness of the ocean gives me a window into the heart of God.
I am told that the Father's love for me is greater than the depth of the ocean. How can that be my heart asks? I see the darkness of my soul and the deep cavern of emptiness inside of me and I want to know if he does love me as he says then why do I feel as though it is always winter deep inside of me?
The winter of my soul is bare as a tree who has lost it's leaves, and dark as the sky when a storm is passing by. The winter never seems to change to spring, it remains forever cold.
I do still long for the warmth of summers, for even though the coldness in my soul lives on, I feel a renewed sense of hope with each new summer day. A hope that this will be the summer that is able to penetrate and bring back to life this cold and darkened soul.
Not this year though, for this summer has come to an end and very little of my soul has changed. And I am once again dreading the cold dark days ahead. The ones that seem to mirror my soul all to well.

                                     September 7, 1999

Not Quite My Self     by L. Kim Matilainen

There is a child in hiding.
I do not like her way.
She lies in wait to ruin
my life with words I say.
She hates all those around me.
In anger lashing out,
she keeps me seperate from the world
and things she knows about.
She'll recognize
an alterior motive.
She'll read between the lines.
No one else is watching,
but she always sees the signs.
I tell her not to happen.
I wish she'd go away.
Even though she's always right,
the world is still at bay.
It waits for me to reach it,
to find out what is good.
She keeps my heart from searching,
but she'd like it if I could.
I make new friends she does not like,
never has and never will.
How do I like this child within,
when it's me she wants to kill?
My shame is second nature.
Apologies abound.
Embarrassed, I shall wander as her words,
they do resound.
My mouth, I open widely.
As I smile and start to say
something nice and pleasing,
her words get in my way.
Oh! She thinks it's funny!
She laughs when I sound mean!
Sometimes I think I'm better off
alone and feeling clean.
I realize I'm differant.
My life is not my own.
Until somebody loves this child,
she'll never be fully grown.
My words are but a whisper.
This child is loud and clear!
I hope someone will hear me
and tell her not to fear...
and hold her without motive,
a while so she can see...
the world is not the barrier
between this child and me.

How Much it Hurts
By: Christine
 

How much it hurts
To be torn a part
By a stranger
A friend or family

How much it hurts
To have memories
Nightmares and flashbacks
Of the people that did this to you

How much it hurts
To find out the people you trust won't believe you
When you speak the truth
Of your experiences and pain

How much it still hurts
To know it still happens to people everyday
And know we can't help save them
And know the guilty still walk away free
And to live in fear it may or may not happen again

But it doesn't hurt
Knowing you all cared to help me
And that others are willing to help each other

 9 June 2000
loveable_angel5