Chapter 9:
"Wow, this is pretty interesting after all, Girl #2!" Girl #1 told her companion excitedly.
"Shhhh!" Girl #2 hushed her friend rudely. "I’m finally getting to a good part…" she cleared her throat, and read on. "The suzaku seishi Tasuki, and Chichiri decided to accompany Miaka to Kuso to rescue Tamahome from the unimaginable trouble he was in…"
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"This is the day! (this is the day!) That Seiryuu has made! (That Seiryuu has made!) I will rejoice! (I will rejoice!) and be glad in it! (and be glad in it!) This is the day that Seiryuu has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it! This is the day (this is the day) that Seiryuu has made!!!!"
The crowd cheered charismatically after Tamahome’s stunning performance that Sunday morning, and with gleaming white teeth, Tamahome took a proud bow.
Nakago stepped up to the pulpit, clapping as he went, and his congregation and choir started up a song…
"A----men! A---men! A---a-men! Amen! Amen!!" As they continued this boring, monotonous background, Nakago sang on in his terrible tenor voice…..
"A----men!"
"One of the four Frauds!"
"A----men!"
"But he’s our God!"
"Aaaaamen! Amen! Amen!"
"He protects our country!"
"A----men!"
"From evil outsiders!"
"A----men!"
"We will worship him forever!!!"
"A-----men! Amen! Amen!!
Then, after a spirited dance with addlibs from a female black choir member, Screwy Yui sang a verse, shrilly, but was adored; the blessed little lamb…
"I was once a lost sheep!"
"A----men!"
"Was bound for the scrap-heep!"
"A----men!"
"But Seiryuu has saved me!!"
"A----men! Amen! Amen!"
After a few more solos from random church members, and some dancing, clapping, and haleluja-ing, the song came to a close, and Nakago spoke before his congregation.
"My dear, dear brothers and sisters…"
several encouraging yells.
"I have brought a man before you today with a special testemony…he comes from the neighboring country of Konan!! The country in which IDOLS are woshipped!!!"
"Oh, Lord, no! have mercy! Oh, have mercy on them!!"
"But he comes to you today with a changed heart…"
"Oh, praise Seiryuu!!"
"Please come, brother-Tamahome…" the ugly pastor welcomed him with a gleaming smile.
Tamahome made his way up to the pulpit amidst the cheering crowd….
"Ouch! You touched my a**!!" Miaka complained as Tasuki ran into her from behind.
"Oh, so-so sorry, madam!" Tasuki apologized hastily. "It wasn’t on purpose!"
"Shh!" Chichiri hissed at them as he crawled behind another pew. "We have to be quiet, no duh!, otherwise we’ll be discovered….and you knnoooow what’ll happen if those s***heads get ahold of us…" he warned with a disgusted face.
Miaka and Tasuki, realizing the danger of being discovered, kept their mouths shut as they crawled behind another pew. They managed to stay quiet for a whole minute before Miaka surpressed a scream, and pointed up to the pulpit. Her companions’ eyes shot up to where she was pointing, and gasped when they saw Tamahome up there, giving a stirring speech.
"My wonderful, wonderful brothers and sisters," Tamahome began, his eyes sparkling. "You have taught me a great deal here! You’ve shown me the wrongs of my own country’s religion, where we worship the criminal, Suzaku…" the crowd held their breaths, waiting for him to continue. "I see a lot of love in your eyes; in brother-Nakago, and sister-Yui," he said, nodding towards the happy pair. "And so, I have decided, I would like to be a member of your church!!"
The crowd cheered enthusiastically and Yui rushed up to hug Tamahome. He hugged her back (knowing that kissing her would be inappropriate) and told her he was ready to take the elements of communion.
"Oh f***!!" Chichiri yelled through the congregations’ screams. "If he takes communion, he’ll be theirs! and there’ll be no way we can get him back!!"
"Darn!" Tasuki echoed, then immediately clamped his hand over his mouth in embarrassment.
"Well, we’ve gotta stop him!" Miaka cried desperately, preparing to stand up.
"Dumba**!" Chichiri yelled, pulling her back down. "You’re Suzaku no Miko! (duh!) if they discover you, you’ll be converted too! And then there’s no way we’re breaking Suzaku out of jail, and taking over the world!"
Miaka held herself back, and watched in horror as Tamahome received the elements of the Seiryuu communion: a very small piece of hard, blue bread, and a small cup of water. His eyes glazed over, and a silly grin spread across his face. Suddenly, his former flashy clothes became a pure white suit, and he held Seiryuu’s Holy Book in his right arm.
"Nooooooo!!!!" Miaka screamed, when she saw the hideous transformation take place. All eyes in the room turned to her. She nervously giggled. "Don’t mind me…I’m just a pew," she said desperately, lying flat on the ground and trying her best to look like a pew….but it was no use…
"What’s your name?" a church-goer asked her kindly, leaning over to shake her hand.
"Oh! I see she’s brought some friends! Welcome!" another said happily.
"s***…" Chichiri whispered, huddling up close to Tasuki and Miaka. "Gotta do something…"
He sprung off the floor, and smiling brightly, he pulled out a large red cloth. "And for my next trick, ladies, and gentlemen," he announced. "I will make us all disappear!!" he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and threw the cloth over Tasuki, Miaka, and himself. Then, mumbling some magic words, he threw the cloth off.
"Ahhhh!" he sighed in relief. "At least we escaped all those holy mother f***ers…" he then made the mistake of opening his eyes. He found hundreds of pairs of angry eyes starting at him. "Oh s***," Chichiri sighed in a tone of defeat. "That trick never works!"
And then, the crowd was upon them, showering the poor trio with cries of "are you saved?" "we can help you!" "come this way, please!!"
The three tried to escape, but were soon cornered into a small room, by Tamahome. All the other church members were calmly guided back to their pews, so that Tamahome could talk with the special visitors.
"Hello, friends," Tamahome said with a sweet smile. "And what brings you to the First Holy Church of Seiryuu?"
"D***it, Tamahome!!" Miaka cried out in exasperation. "Don’t you realize what they’ve done to you??!!"
Tamahome smiled back at the ugly girl. "Are you in a personal relationship with Seiryuu? He can forgive your sins, and wash you white as snow…with his grace, he can—"
"Just shut the f*** up!!!!"Chichiri screamed, his base voice finally reaching a baritone. "They’ve brainwashed you, Tamahome! Can’t you tell??"
Tamahome frowned at the man in concern. "Is something troubling you? Because if there is something on your mind, tell it to Seiryuu! Ask for his forgiveness, and your troubles will all go away!!"
Miaka wobbled, trying to stay conscious. "I’ve gotta get outta here…"
"No…let’s stay here…" Tasuki said dreamily.
Chichiri looked at him in shock, and noticed his eyes were glazed over, and his perfect teeth were in a silly grin.
"Snap out of it! Moron!" Chichiri yelled, slapping Tasuki’s face.
Tasuki’s eyebrows scrunched up, and then he sniffled…..then burst into tears. "How meaaaaann!!" he wailed. "That huuuurrrrrrt!!!" Miaka tried to comfort him as he continued to sob in the corner, and suddenly, Chichiri got an idea.
"Hey!" he said, a light bulb appearing over his head. "I’ve got an idea!" He rushed over to Miaka and Tasuki, who was still crying from his owie, but seemed to be better.
Chichiri lowered his voice to a whisper. "Now, I think I’ve figured it out…Tamahome’s full of s***, right?"
Miaka, and even Tasuki, agreed with this statement. "So what do you propose we do about this?" Tasuki asked skeptically.
Chichiri grinned evilly. "It just so happens, I have a product that cures people who are full of it…it’s called a ‘laxative’," he said, proudly holding up some pink tablets.
Miaka clapped her hands. "Oh goody! Those things taste great!! Can I have one?" she begged.
"No, but that’s a good idea…" Chichiri said, turning slowly to Tamahome. Putting on his best "I’m a good-guy…really" smile, he strutted up to Tamahome and held out the tablets.
"Thank you for your encouraging words! My companions and I feel the blessing of Seiryuu upon us!"
Tamahome blushed, believing that pile of s***. "Why, thanks…"
"To repay you, I have these tastey sweets," Chichiri said, holding the laxatives out to the unsuspecting man.
"Oh, thank you very much!" Tamahome excitedly took the package, and popped all four tablets into his mouth. Chichiri grimmaced, knowing things were going to be tough…
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"….’and that night, as Tamahome went to the bathroom before bed, an unpleasantness awaited him…that visit took him three magazines, and two novels’…wowww…" Girl #2 sighed. "That must’ve been soooomme laxative…"
"Hey, read me the rest!" Girl #1 pestered over her shoulder.
"Okay, fine," Girl #2 said, clearing her throat. "’And so, Tamahome emptied of all the s*** inside of him, returned to Konan with Miaka, Chichiri, and Tasuki to call Suzaku…"