1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
8. Do not take anything from the dead.
9. If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.
12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Halloween Q & A
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No bodyQ. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetite!Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centersQ. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin FrankensteinQ. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice ScreamQ. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and GhoulietQ. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare sprayQ. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. BambooQ. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geistQ. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamasQ. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monsterQ. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snackQ. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boosQ. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffinQ. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wrapsQ. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-ToastiesQ. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolfQ. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbeltsQ. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count DuckulaQ. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killerQ. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&MsQ. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare sprayQ. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or TweetQ: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: TombstonesQ: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bonesQ: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White PillowcasesQ: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: SquashQ: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew awayQ: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: SpellingQ: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffinQ: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decayQ: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bankQ: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with KetchupQ: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead seaQ: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-toryQ: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake ErieQ: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vesselQ: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's
circumference?
A: Pumpkin PiQ: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
The Masquerade Ball
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the
car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?""That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
