| MY CAUSE It is widely known and accepted that every celebrity has their own cause that usually involves ending something. Sally Struthers wants to end world hunger, which is quite noble considering she is most likely the cause of much of it. Bob Barker wants to end pet over breeding. How a man who hates puppies so much has reached such a level of notoriety I�ll never know. I expect that one day I will be wildly famous. When this happens I will be prepared with a cause that no one has yet to take on. I plan to end world Menstruation (I capitalize Menstruation because I believe it has hid behind the safety of non-threatening common noun status long enough.) I believe my cause is the more noble of all celebrity causes. Hunger affects the hungry, pet over breeding affects pets and those creepy cat ladies, but Menstruation effects everyone. �But Caitlin!� you may say, �men do not Menstruate!� And you would most likely be correct. Despite this argument men are still affected by Menstruation. Every male reading this shudders at my flagrant use of the word Menstruation and is therefore quite affected. At least once in every man�s life he will be forced to submit to the degrading act of buying tampons. I�m not sure why they are so embarrassed by this. It is not as if store clerks think they are buying them for their own personal needs (though it could be� never underestimate the power of a tampon gun.) There are other male Menstruation issues concerning coitus (a fancy word for the hibbiday dibbiday that they just said on TV) that have been constantly present throughout history� except during Ancient Greek times when homosexuality was considered much cooler than heterosexuality (this attitude could very well have been due to menstruation, but I digress.) Some may believe that this is not a problem and that love conquers all but do you even know how much a nice pair of sheets costs nowadays? It�s a load of tomfoolery and highway robbery is what it is. I have heard very few arguments in favor of Menstruation despite Menstruation�s huge media campaign. Menstruation wants you to think of it as �your friend� and has even sunk to call itself �Flo(w)� to invoke warm feelings toward the spunky beehived waitress from the hit show Alice. Well I think it�s time that we all said �KISS MY GRITS!� to Menstruation. Menstruation claims that procreation is not possible without it�s help. I believe it hinders procreation by washing away the layers of bloody baby bed (was that too far?) that one works so hard to build up. I was once told by a woman(moron) that she liked her period because it helped her keep track of time. If you ever run into one of these people I suggest you do what I did and buy them a calendar for Christmas. It is a lot less messy and you can get one featuring the hit cartoon series Dilbert. I�ve never heard of a Menstrual cycle that told comically skilled jokes that were accessible to every level of the work force� oh that Dogbert� he has everything figured out doesn�t he!?! The final issue is taking on the question how on earth can we stop this plague? I personally am not a doctor or scientist, yet I can get the ball rolling with my own personal ideas on how to end this bloodbath. The most obvious is Depo-Provera (which is handily in my spell check... and so is Doritos� don�t ask me why) Depo-Provera is a birth control shot that when used causes you to have your period every 3 months. My main argument against this method of Menstrual control is that shots are scary. There is always the option of becoming a gymnast. This, unfortunately, is something that most cannot start this late in life. We may save the idea to help our daughters in the future. I personally have overcome Menstruation by cutting out all sources of iron in my diet. I haven�t had any red meat in months and I�m all�..;;;;;;;;mjim nhuy8gadsfffffnk mnnnnndddddddsfcccccccccccb nbbbbbbbbbb�. Sorry passed out on the keyboard for a minute there. That happens sometimes but it�s a small price to pay� as I was saying� I�m all the better for it! There is one small reminder I have for those of you who decide to use this method or share it with a loved one. I want you to remember many vegetables have iron in them so check your labels! My final idea for action against Menstruation would be to take out the big tampon and pad companies. The only reason there has been nothing done about Menstruation is that these companies have the politicians in their leak protecting pockets. This whole Menstrual phenomenon is total bullshit (pardon my French) created by the feminine hygiene industry to sell a product. It�s exactly like those holidays created by the card companies to push their goods� like Christmas. That is all I have to say� thank you and goodnight! |