My Theory on the origin of OtterPops™
August 9, 1997
*from, yet another email*
It has come to my attention that some people have never heard of Otterpops. I swear, this is
sucha shock to me. Otterpops are so sacred that its blasphemy not to have
any (doesn't matter if they're frozen or not) in the house. They must put
an addictive chemical in them as well as a freezer slowing chem. to make it
take years for them to freeze.
Anyways, i thought i'd explain what otterpops were, just cuz i know there
are some pagans out there who have yet to experience one :P
Most people will tell you that Otterpops are merely just flavored ice
crystals sheathed in a plastic package with lil pictures of cute lil otters
on em. ie. Pancho Punch, Little orphan orange, Louie-bloo raspberry, and
Alexander the grape.
Thats just what they WANT you to think. I of course, know better.
First of all, why do you think they call em "Otterpops" for anyways? think
bout it for a sec...*waits* k ..times up. Waaaay back in the olden days
(my guess is the 60's-early 70's..you know..way back when :P) government
researchers were working on different ways to fight the 'commie bastards'
that were 'plaguing' the local shopping centers. now, why the government
was called in to protect K-Mart from an invasion is beyond me, but then
again, i've never understood anything about the government and i prolly
never will :)
Anywhoo.. Otterpops came from the combining of the purified remains of
test subjects (otters of course), certain addictive chemicals (liquid crack
most likely), the leftovers from one of the scientists lunches (mostly
half-eaten fruit), and of course red #40 (this shite's in everything,
swear!). All this was convienently thrown in the waste recepticle within a
few minutes of eachother. The general thought is that the janitor did this
while cleaning, because we all know that scientists don't clean fer shite (
i should know, my dad is one of em :P) But, of course, Bob W. Schtuff was
never recognized for his breakthrough. I heard he's living out his life in
a shack in Alabama, and that he's changed his name or something.
so yea..it being the middle of winter and the heating system being broken,
the garbage can (which had be placed outside the facility) froze solid. At
this point, it is unclear how the stuff that was in the garbage can was
actually found out to be otterpops. My only thought is that some homeless
person was looking for something to eat and happend upon the can. The
government found out that they'd created a new product, spent billions of
dollars on child testing, finally reduced the amount of otter remains..and
sold it to the general public. The world (or at least the west coast)
hasn't been the same since.
*At the time of this writing, none of thise has been proven, of course, it hasn't exaclty been
disproven either ;)
[Main]
[Bout Me!]
[Friends]
[LemonBaseball!]
[PsychoRavings]
[Survey!]
[Links!!]
[Diablo]