Just remember the follow when you call someone an a**hole: Without a**holes in this world everyone would be full of sh*t. Minnie and Micky are in Divorce Court. The Judge scolds Micky: "Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce just because you think your wife, Minnie, is crazy"! Micky: "Judge I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy." Guy goes to the Dr. and who does his thing and pronounces, :I have some bad news and some good." "Well," the guy replies, "give me the bad news first." Dr, "sorry about that but you only have about two more weeks to live." "My God." the guy replies. "what could possibly be good news after this?" Dr. " see that sweet little blond receptionist out there?" "I'm going to screw her this afternoon." The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizzare menu items in restaurants. Menu Items Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo Prawn cock and tail - Cairo Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo French fried ships - Cairo Garlic Coffee - Europe Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe Boiled Frogfish - Europe Sweat from the trolley - Europe Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong Roasted duck let loose - Poland Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland Fried freindship - Nepal Strawberry crap - Japan Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam Toes with butter and jam - Bali Goose Barnacles - Spain French Creeps - L.A. Fried fishermen - Japan Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania Product Names Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues Kolic - Japanese mineral water Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer Last Climax - Japanese tissues Ass Glue - Chinese glues Swine - Chinese chocolates Libido - Chinese soda Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent Shocking - Japanese chewing gum Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade Polio - Czechoslovakian laudnry detergent Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy Superglans - Netherlands car wax I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee Zit - Greek soft drink My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper Colon Plus - Spanish detergent Some creative uses of the English language found in foreign tourist spots In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking." In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years." A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages." In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man." In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." In a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "- English well talking." "- Here speeching American." Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces. Humor Columnist DAVE BARRY Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.