How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they *want* to use all their force! Dear : Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below: ( ) the tooth could not be found ( ) it was not a human tooth ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action (x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit (x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows: [ ] string [ ] pliers [ ] gunpowder [ ] hammer marks [ ] chisel [ ] part of skull attached to tooth [ ] no dental care ( ) other: Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain___________ _______________________________________________________________________ Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain____________________ _______________________________________________________________________ Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______ A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?__________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Church you attend_________________________________ How often you attend_______ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?_____________ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER) A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________________ C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____________________ E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is______________________ NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________ What is the current going rate of a hotel room?____________________________________ Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one) I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _______________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name moron) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back). APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain___________ _______________________________________________________________________ Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain____________________ _______________________________________________________________________ Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______ A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?__________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Church you attend_________________________________ How often you attend_______ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?_____________ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER) A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________________ C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____________________ E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is______________________ NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________ What is the current going rate of a hotel room?____________________________________ Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one) I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _______________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name moron) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).