Guide To Political Philosophy

            SOCIALISM - You have two cows, you give one to your neighbor.
            COMMUNISM - You have two cows, the government takes one and gives you the milk.
            FASCISM - You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells you the milk.
            NAZISM - You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots you.
            CAPITALISM - You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
            IN ISRAEL - You have two cows, the bank takes both of them shoots one, milks one, throws away the milk
            and you shoot yourself.



            The Rules of Combat

              1.If the enemy is in range, so are you. 
              2.Incoming fire has the right of way. 
              3.Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 
              4.The easy way is always mined. 
              5.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 
              6.Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 
              7.The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 

                 1.When you're ready for them. 
                 2.When you're not ready for them. 

              8.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 
              9.If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 
              10.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 
              11.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 
              12.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 
              13.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 
              14.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 
              15.When in doubt empty the magazine. 
              16.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 
              17.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. 
              18.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 
              19.Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 
              20.A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and
            lucky enough to survive. 
              21.Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 
              22.The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. 
              23.Five second fuses only last three seconds. 
              24.It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. 



            True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

            Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

            Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" 

            Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
            that fixed?" 

            Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" 

            Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." 

            Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
            promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" 

            Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." 

            At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he could not stand it. The caller had been using the
            load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. 



            What would Mr. Audobon say if he were alive today?

            A newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what
            they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots
            search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand
            penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the
            birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper
            reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten
            thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. 

My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World." One segment focused
            on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other
            things. "Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages." 

            I looked at my wife and said, "So I guess we could call it p-mail."