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\par 
\par         Education Humor
\par 
\par 
\par 
\par      Local College Offers Star Trek Anthropology Course 
\par 
\par      An article in the Thursday, February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg,
\par      VA) by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course
\par      examining episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance.
\par      The instructor, Professor Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed bored
\par      and listless during a review session for physical anthropology perked up when she referred
\par      to an old Star Trek episode to make a point. 
\par      The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as a mirror of
\par      contemporary American culture and American attitudes about other cultures. There is no
\par      dramatic criticism, film criticism, or literary criticism involved, the focus is to teach the class
\par      to look at the episodes with an anthropologist's eye. The 22 episodes chosen for this class
\par      all demonstrate how American popular culture has led to a mixture of fact and fiction. One
\par      example used is "The Paradise Syndrome", in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an
\par      Earth-like planet that has produced a civilization similar to that of Native Americans before
\par      the intrusion of the white man. 
\par      The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture portrays all
\par      Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in a mish-mash of dwellings,
\par      dress, rites, and symbols in the Star Trek episode. 
\par      The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students looking for an easy A but
\par      a real anthropology course that uses material that many of today's college students are
\par      already familiar with to examine anthropological theory. 
\par 
\par      The University of Oklahoma Department of Recruiting, Norman, Oklahoma 
\par      Founded 1900 
\par      Football since 1940 
\par      Basketball since 1952 
\par      Academics beginning 2014 
\par      The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of high
\par      school football players for the 1989 recruiting season: 
\par      Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 190, Wide Receiver 
\par      Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a
\par      mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of "You knows" during
\par      an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name. 
\par      Cleetus Quentious Jenkins: 6'2", 190, Running Back 
\par      Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state in
\par      burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2 seconds with a
\par      25" TV under his arm. 
\par      Roosevelt "Dude" Danzell: 6'1", 185, Running Back 
\par      Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams
\par      fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change uniform colors to
\par      chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as "Red Brick." 
\par      Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 275, Tackle 
\par      Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children. Mother indicates
\par      Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has manslaughter trial pending
\par      but feels confident of being found innocent. Says, "The bum say somethin' bad 'bout my
\par      momma." On OU entrance form, lists IQ as 20-20. 
\par      Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 175, Quarterback 
\par      Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he's now 26-years old.
\par      Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stands for "Nowledge," but still meets OU academic
\par      requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches his score on SAT. 
\par      Tyrone "Python" Peeples: 6'10", 180, Wide Receiver 
\par      Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other five will
\par      file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but also willing to sign with OU.
\par      Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. 
\par      Abdul Aba Ali: 6'8", 245, Guard 
\par      Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks Sherlock
\par      Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning of the word
\par      "fear". Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either. 
\par 
\par      These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers: 
\par           Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 
\par           Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. 
\par           The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. 
\par           Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 
\par           The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. 
\par           To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in
\par           quick before the air can get back in. 
\par           The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. 
\par           A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 
\par           The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. 
\par           The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. 
\par           To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 
\par           Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 
\par           Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 
\par           Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. 
\par           A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. 
\par           The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 
\par           The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 
\par           An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal
\par           of milk with a bull with good meat. 
\par           We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation
\par           and study of rocks. 
\par           English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. 
\par           By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. 
\par           If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. 
\par           Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
\par           perspire. 
\par           Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another
\par           individual by accident. 
\par           A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 
\par           A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. 
\par           Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 
\par           A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
\par           winter. 
\par           The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. 
\par           When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 
\par           It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. 
\par           Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more
\par           convulsions. 
\par           For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. 
\par           For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 
\par           For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 
\par           For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. 
\par           For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
\par           perspiration. 
\par           To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 
\par           For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 
\par           For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. 
\par           For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 
\par           Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. 
\par           Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west
\par           poles. 
\par           When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in
\par           wintertime. 
\par           When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 
\par 
\par      Things (Not) To Do Or Say At Or For Your Thesis Defense 
\par         1."Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem." 
\par         2.Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 
\par         3."Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 
\par         4.Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance. 
\par         5."Musical accompaniment provided by..." 
\par         6.Stage your own death/suicide. 
\par         7.Lead the specators in a Wave. 
\par         8.Have a sing-a-long. 
\par         9."You call THAT a question? How did they make you a professor?" 
\par        10."Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so
\par           that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 
\par        11.Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
\par        12.Puppet show. 
\par        13.Group prayer. 
\par        14.Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 
\par        15.Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 
\par        16."I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 
\par        17.Imitate Groucho Marx. 
\par        18.Mime. 
\par        19.Hold a Tupperware party. 
\par        20.Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 
\par        21."Everybody rhumba!!" 
\par        22."And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 
\par        23.Charge a cover and check for ID. 
\par        24."In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..." 
\par        25."Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 
\par        26.Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 
\par        27.Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 
\par        28.Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 
\par        29.Door prizes and a raffle. 
\par        30."Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 
\par        31."And now, a word from our sponsor..." 
\par        32.Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 
\par        33.Whine piteously, beg, cry... 
\par        34.Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 
\par        35.The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 
\par        36.Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 
\par        37.Fashion show. 
\par        38."Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 
\par        39."I'd like to thank the Academy..." 
\par        40.Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 
\par        41.Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 
\par        42.Pass the collection basket. 
\par        43.Two-drink minimum. 
\par        44.Black tie only. 
\par        45."Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into
\par           a bar..." 
\par        46.Incite a revolt. 
\par        47.Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 
\par        48.Release a flock of doves. 
\par        49.Defense by proxy. 
\par        50."And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." 
\par        51.Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about. 
\par        52."There will be a short quiz after my presentation..." 
\par        53."Professor Robinson, will you marry me?" 
\par        54.Bring your pet boa. 
\par        55.Tell ghost stories. 
\par        56.Do a "show and tell". 
\par        57.Food fight. 
\par        58.Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 
\par        59.Halftime show. 
\par        60."Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" 
\par        61."OK - which one of you farted?" 
\par        62.Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands. 
\par        63.Pass out souvenier matchbooks. 
\par        64.3-ring defense. 
\par        65."Tag - you're it!" 
\par        66.Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on
\par           the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion. 
\par        67.Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is
\par           not available, and the defense has been relocated to (made-up non-existent room
\par           number)" 
\par        68.Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 
\par        69.Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks. 
\par        70.Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors
\par           X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens. 
\par        71.Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense. 
\par        72.Make committee members wear silly hats. 
\par        73.Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators. 
\par        74.Do a soft-shoe routine. 
\par        75.Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
\par           pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. 
\par        76.Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. 
\par        77."The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 
\par        78.Tap dance. 
\par        79.Vaudeville. 
\par        80."I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're
\par           out." 
\par        81.Flex and show off those massive pecs. 
\par        82.Dress in top hat and tails. 
\par        83.Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire. 
\par        84.Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 
\par        85.Shadow puppets. 
\par        86.Show slides of your last vacation. 
\par        87.Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning
\par           the strip when the tape recording beeps. 
\par        88.Same as above, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a
\par           different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 
\par        89."OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave." 
\par        90.Call your advisor "sweetie". 
\par        91.Have everyone pose for a group photo. 
\par        92.Instant replay. 
\par        93.Laugh maniacally. 
\par        94.Talk with your mouth full. 
\par        95.Start speaking in tongues. 
\par        96.Explode. 
\par        97.Implode. 
\par        98.Spontaneously combust. 
\par        99.Answer every question with a question. 
\par       100.Moon everyone in the room after you are done. 
\par       101."Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein." 
\par       102.Hand out 3-D glasses. 
\par       103."I'm rubber, you're glue..." 
\par       104.Go into labor (especially for men). 
\par       105.Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent. 
\par       106."I don't know - I didn't write this." 
\par       107.Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats. 
\par       108.Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan. 
\par       109.Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the
\par           coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock
\par           them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps. 
\par       110.Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy". 
\par       111.Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional. 
\par       112.Invite the homeless. 
\par       113."I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you" 
\par       114.Hide. 
\par       115.Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him.
\par           Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned
\par           audience and ask "any other comments?" 
\par       116.Same as above, except use real bullets. 
\par       117."Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..." 
\par       118.Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing
\par           else. 
\par       119.Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy". 
\par       120.Play Thesis Mad Libs. 
\par       121.Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector. 
\par       122.Do your entire defense operatically. 
\par       123.Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always
\par           knew he was such an intelligent child") 
\par       124.Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs. 
\par       125.Mosh pit. 
\par       126.Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!") 
\par       127.Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary. 
\par       128."I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!" 
\par       129.Claim political asylum. 
\par       130.Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's. 
\par       131.Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with
\par           sports and Alison with the weather. 
\par       132.Live radio and TV coverage. 
\par       133.Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions" 
\par       134.Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style. 
\par       135.Use a TelePromTer 
\par       136."Take my wife - please!" 
\par       137.Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick. 
\par       138.Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you
\par           have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor. 
\par       139.Offer a toast. 
\par       140.Firewalk. 
\par       141.Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early. 
\par       142.Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug
\par           for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well. 
\par       143.Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style. 
\par       144."By the power of Greyskull..." 
\par       145.Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not. 
\par       146.Stand on the table. 
\par       147."You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD
\par           have done..." 
\par 
\par      Dear Fellow Scientist: 
\par 
\par      This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been to many major
\par      conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if
\par      you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions: 
\par           include in your next journal article the citations below. 
\par           remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to your journal article at the
\par           bottom. 
\par           make ten copies and send them to colleagues. 
\par      Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze your fellow faculty,
\par      assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to many
\par      colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today. 
\par      Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was elected to the
\par      National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure. In
\par      Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was
\par      rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was published that year in the
\par      New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter,
\par      and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you if
\par      you break the chain of citations. 
\par      1. Miller, J. (1992). 
\par           Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light. 
\par           Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117. 
\par      2. Johnson, S. (1991). 
\par           Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant. 
\par           Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220. 
\par      3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?: 
\par           An empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior. 
\par           Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77. 
\par      4. David, E. (1994). 
\par           Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization: 
\par           Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with Emergent Symbolic
\par           Structure. 
\par           (doctoral dissertation, University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey
\par           Mar Vista by-the-sea). 
\par 
\par      Marvin Moss, a Hollywood agent, started off poor and made it big. When he died 2-3
\par      years ago, he left several million dollars to the college he attended to be used for fun. No
\par      academics, they have to spend the money on recreation and other things that are fun for the
\par      students. 
\par      What a way to go. And it's tax deductible. 
\par 
\par      A "small college story" going around here (at least three people have told me this story,
\par      each one claiming it was them): 
\par      A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment, discovered that one
\par      problem fairly easy to solve, except that it required about three pages of fairly simple proof
\par      after the one or two difficult steps. It being rather late at night, he did the difficult steps and
\par      left the proof undone, along with a note: 
\par                       This proof is left as an exercise for the grader. 
\par      Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra pages had been
\par      stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages, he was surprised to find the entire
\par      proof written down step-by step. At the end, in red pen, the grader had written: 
\par                           I made a minor math error. Minus 2. 
\par 
\par      Back when I was attending the University of Utah, the school newspaper ran a joke ad for
\par      a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb. Over 30 people showed up.
\par      (What they were expecting, God only knows.) 
\par 
\par      My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team. They
\par      were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C cheer was: That's
\par      all right, That's okay, You're going to work for us someday! 
\par 
\par      At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The concensus
\par      was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise
\par      investment for the college." The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand
\par      years have been atypical." 
\par 
\par      Dean: I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron. Jones: What?! Where is
\par      that young good-for-nothing? I'll teach him not to join a fraternity without consulting me! 
\par 
\par      Grad-Student Emotion Check List 
\par      6:30am Wake up and lie awake in bed. 
\par      6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, which means no eating out for the next 6
\par      weeks 
\par      6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 
\par      7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze
\par      button; you turned it off. 
\par      7:01 Fall asleep again. 
\par      7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again. 
\par      7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at
\par      (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's/whatever cafeteria). 
\par      8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today. Must have got
\par      more work done. 
\par      8:04 Pass by advisor's office, chat with secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is,
\par      darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 
\par      8:15 Read electronic mail. 
\par      8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class.
\par      Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today 
\par      9:00 For jumpstart, go to Pepsi machine. 
\par      9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for your money
\par      back. Wonder why they would beleive you. 
\par      9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your work. 
\par      9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
\par 
\par      9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good about him
\par      not grasping English well. 
\par      9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the world (using
\par      the "finger" command, of course) 
\par      10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night. 
\par      10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!! 
\par      10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more easily. 
\par      10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and kinda make
\par      him aware you are working hard on your project. 
\par      11:05 Perverted daydreams. 
\par      11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time. 
\par      11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working hard as your
\par      advisor passes by from outside. 
\par      11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minutes until all the garbage you typed
\par      in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute. 
\par      11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department. 
\par      11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation. 
\par      11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost. 
\par      11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company. 
\par      12:15 Hunger pangs. 
\par      12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
\par      Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola. 
\par      1:00 Group Meeting with advisor 
\par      1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foriegn officemate for
\par      sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more
\par      work for your literature survey. 
\par      1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections 
\par      1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!! 
\par      1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation possiblity/ graduation
\par      date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your life. 
\par      1:52:53 Thank him 
\par      1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor. 
\par      1:53:00 Splitting headache #1. 
\par      1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that. 
\par      2:06 More generic cola. 
\par      2:17 Oh no, it is my turn to cook tonite :-( 
\par      2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through. 
\par      2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree program and take
\par      up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty. 
\par      2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif files. Sharpen
\par      pencil. 
\par      3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter, NOT! No time for that.
\par      Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any money. Fear of losing aid next fall.
\par      Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format 
\par      3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonite. Vow to watch only 2 TV
\par      programs 
\par      4:58 Notice advisor leave. 
\par      4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break. 
\par      9:00pm Come into the office. 
\par      9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office late at night
\par      to "get the work done". 
\par      9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those FTP sites since
\par      network wont be loaded. Run into "since network won't be loaded" traffic and get the
\par      pictures into your machine. Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make
\par      space. Back up all your pictures 
\par      10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references. Realize it's too late today
\par      to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted the day. 
\par      10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to turn in early and
\par      come back very early tommorrow morning. Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
\par      yourself in a good mood. 
\par      11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the scoreboard.
\par      Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
\par 
\par      12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of achievment! Yes,
\par      today was not wasted! Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman
\par      reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you had". Discuss
\par      philosophy with roommate. 
\par      1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining
\par      Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics, why
\par      people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to
\par      defrost the windshields faster. 
\par      1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the "too much milk
\par      problem". 
\par      2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to sleep. 
\par      (repeat) 
\par 
\par      From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988: The University of Wisconsin
\par      presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May, but it took six months for someone
\par      to notice that the name of the state was misspelled 'Wisconson'. 
\par 
\par      Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the bridge of the
\par      Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's worst oil spill, has been hired
\par      to teach students at the Maritime College of the State University of New York how to
\par      stand watch! 
\par      What's next? 
\par           The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation 
\par           The Mike Tyson Charm School 
\par           The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service 
\par           The Saddam Hussein Military Academy 
\par           The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics 
\par           The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations 
\par           The Don King Barber College 
\par           The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy 
\par 
\par      One of my engineering profs was from Egypt. He was an agreeable fellow but his teaching
\par      style was vomitorious and his English was unintelligible. One day, he announced an exam
\par      for February 2. One guy shouted in an astonished tone, "BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG
\par      DAY!!" 
\par      "Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked. 
\par      We strung him along for several minutes. He finally caught onto the joke and laughed with
\par      us. We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of war between Egypt and Israel; he
\par      suddenly quit and went home. 
\par 
\par      In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board was voted into office
\par      in the 1988 election. After taking over, they dutifully issued a budget for FY1990, carefully
\par      balanced to projected revenues. 
\par      When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend NO
\par      money on foreign language education that year, the answer was, "We don't hold with
\par      new-fangled ways. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should be good enough
\par      for the children of our town." 
\par      Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw in their logic. 
\par 
\par      How To Take Notes 
\par      When the professor says: 
\par      Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
\par      combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English
\par      language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the
\par      greatest single poem ever written. 
\par      You write: 
\par      John Milton - born 1608 
\par      When the professor says: 
\par      When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed
\par      his help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them. 
\par      You write: 
\par      Lafayette discovered America 
\par      When the professor says: 
\par      Current historians have come to doubt the complete advantageousness of some of
\par      Roosevelt's policies. 
\par      You write: 
\par      Most of the problems that now face the United States are directly traceable to the bungling
\par      and greed of Roosevelt. 
\par      When the professor says: 
\par      It is possible that we do not understand the Russian viewpoint. 
\par      You write: 
\par      The professor is a communist. 
\par      When the professor says: 
\par      The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, the corrosive residue is
\par      inharmonious with metallic persistance. 
\par      You write: 
\par      Hydrochloric acid eats steel. 
\par 
\par      Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietly not to wake
\par      up the other classes. 
\par 
\par      This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true: 
\par      A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?".
\par      The student wrote: "This.", signed it, and turned it in. 
\par      I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A. 
\par 
\par      Bellevue, WA 
\par      There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who
\par      called wanting information on home schooling. 
\par      Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of
\par      home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do
\par      to the mother on the telephone. 
\par      Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home
\par      school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form. 
\par      The mother gave a Renton address. 
\par      The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the
\par      Lake Washington School District. 
\par      "No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than
\par      Renton schools." 
\par 
\par      There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, Cornell, and RIT. Each
\par      crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one day. 
\par      At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He asks, "How
\par      many telephone poles did you put up?" 
\par      "Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer. 
\par      "Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and asks the same
\par      question. 
\par      "Twenty three" replies the Cornell engineer. 
\par      "Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and again asks the
\par      question. 
\par      "Three" was the answer. 
\par      "You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven and twenty
\par      three and you only did three?" 
\par      "Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!" 
\par 
\par      The following wedding announcement appeared in our local newspaper about a year ago. I
\par      think it's kinda funny, but that's probably because I've got an engineering degree. :-) 
\par 
\par        Mr. and Mrs. Adam Ledford of Lincolnton announce the engagement and forthcoming
\par       marriage of their daughter, Bridgett Ledford, to John May, both of Boone. Ms. Ledford is
\par           an Appalachian State University graduate with a bachelor of science degree in
\par       communications. She is a pharmacist technician at Boone Drug on Deerfield road. May is
\par        the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Tucker of Raleigh. He is also an ASU graduate and has a
\par        bachelor of arts degree in philosophy and religion. He is employed by Domino's Pizza. 
\par 
\par      Seen in a classified ad: 
\par      For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds per
\par      second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during Miss Johnson's 5th
\par      period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy. 
\par 
\par 
\par 
\par        Copyright \'a9 1994-1996 Phillip Winn 
\par        The Winner's Circle 
\par http://www.winn.com/pwinn/humor/ 
\par 
\par }