From: "Race Bannon" Subject: Darwin Awards/Dumb & Dumber Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Organization: Bullett-Catchers, Ltd. Message-ID: <01bc1ca4$208172e0$56522399@philipm> X-Newsreader: Microsoft Internet News 4.70.1155 The Darwin Awards > > > You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out > moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO > (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned > off once it was turned on. > > Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is > bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded > self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the > human gene pool. > > The 1996 nominees are: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, > using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, > accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a > hole in his gut. > > [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally > shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to > the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the > phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged > when he drew it to his ear. > > [Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are > being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. > There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of > methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans > and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right > combination of foods.It appears that the man died in his sleep from > breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. > Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have > been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He > was "a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." > Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. > > [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his > death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium > apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, > police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair > Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the > Peel regional police."It appears the chair moved and he went over the > balcony," Honer said."It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play > is suspected." > > [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows > in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his > shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said > Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank > Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the > building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had > conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. > Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told > the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was"one of the best and brightest" > members of the 200-man association. > > [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned > Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well > in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into > the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the > water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none > of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also > drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently > were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later > pulled out of a well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south > of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. > > [Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for > life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at > Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to > doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He > walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. > However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned > for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. > After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum > time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of > the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, > 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was > wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the > police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and > decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be > scarred for life. > > "More intelligence-challenged people" > > 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a > mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed > in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the > mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said > that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood > to change the oil. > > Portsmouth, R.I..Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of > vending machine robberies in January when he: > 1. Fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around > a vending machine and > 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. > > Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for > robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an > electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in. > > The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into > Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and > demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't > open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered > onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The > man, frustrated, walked away. > > In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are > listed below: > > *James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying > to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a > friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so > that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' > clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns > "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette,4-1-95] > > * Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it > would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper > reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with > a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing. > > * Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head > bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he > was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head > without getting hit. > > * In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg > with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When > repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he > couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.