{\rtf1\ansi\deff0\deftab720{\fonttbl{\f0\fnil MS Sans Serif;}{\f1\fnil\fcharset2 Symbol;}{\f2\fswiss\fprq2 System;}{\f3\fnil Times New Roman;}{\f4\fnil Arial;}} {\colortbl\red0\green0\blue0;} \deflang1033\pard\li1440\fi-1440\tx1440\plain\f0\fs16\b From: \plain\f0\fs16 \tab GopherMail Server \par \plain\f0\fs16\b Sent: \plain\f0\fs16 \tab Friday, July 14, 1995 11:55 PM \par \plain\f0\fs16\b To: \plain\f0\fs16 \tab Jeff Williams \par \plain\f0\fs16\b Subject: \plain\f0\fs16 \tab Oxymorons \par \par \pard\plain\f4\fs20 From: brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US Thu Jun 22 13:36:27 1989 \par From: brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US (Brendan Kehoe) \par Subject: Oxymoron \par \par \par ( A friend sent me this...the reference at the end is, I believe, just a \par suggestion, not the source of it (this was put together by someone independ- \par ently).. ) \par \par \{ed Many of these are not what is traditionally called an oxymoron on the \par net, but they are mostly worth it.\} \par \par \par OXYMORON \par \par Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp" \par Moros = "dull" \par \par "Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise. \par \par ...a self contradicting phrase. \par _____ \par \par When large numbers of men are unable to find work, \par unemployment results. \par Calvin Coolidge \par \par For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort \par of thing they like. \par Abraham Lincoln \par \par That that is is. \par \par Why is this thus ? What is the reason for this thusness ? \par \par Artemus Ward \par \par Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is. \par \par Black Light \par \par I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. \par \par Left Handed Screwdrivers. \par \par Striped paint. \par \par Pigeon's milk. \par \par Straight hooks. \par \par Cooking glue. \par \par It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe. \par \par ...about as useful as a chocolate teapot. \par \par I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink. \par \par compulsory volunteers \par \par college student \par \par jumbo shrimp \par \par That shoe fits him like a glove. \par \par I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me. \par \par Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, \par plastic flowers, invisible ink. \par \par People have one thing in common: they are all different. \par \par It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good \par impromptu speech. \par Mark Twain \par \par The trouble with our times is that the future is not what \par it used to be. \par Paul Valery \par \par When one has good health it is not serious to be ill. \par Francis Blanche \par \par Is there life before death ? \par Belfast Graffito \par \par Often it is fatal to live too long. \par Racine \par \par The first condition of immortality is death. \par Stanislaw Lec \par \par As famous as the unknown soldier. \par \par Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really \par know what's going on. \par \par I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? \par Benjamin Disraeli \par \par The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. \par \par A commercial traveller was passing through a small town \par when he came upon a huge funeral procession. \par "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. \par "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think \par its the one in the coffin." \par \par The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams. \par \par He lived his life to the end. \par \par You always find something in the last place you look. \par \par A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. \par "Just lost a shoe ?" she asked. \par He answered, "Nope, just found one." \par \par Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit. \par \par It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one \par trifling exception, is composed of others. \par John Andrew Holmes \par \par Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot; \par others transform a yellow spot into the sun. \par Pablo Picasso \par \par Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. \par Stanislaw Lec \par \par My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. \par \par My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. \par Ashleigh Brilliant \par \par A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. \par Arthur Schoperhauer \par \par Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. \par Ambrose Bierce \par \par You can observe a lot just by watchin'. \par Yogi Berra \par \par In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. \par Pliny the Elder \par \par The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never \par praising themselves. \par Wyndham Lewis \par \par I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming \par I never made one. \par James G. Bennet \par \par Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that \par man can never learn anything from history. \par George Bernard Shaw \par \par Trapped, like a trap in a trap. \par Dorothy Parker \par \par I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. \par Jules Renard \par \par You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, \par and how little I deserve it. \par W.S. Gilbert \par \par Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. \par \par Do not put statements in the negative form. \par And don't start sentences with a conjunction. \par It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. \par If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal \par of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. \par Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. \par Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. \par De-accession euphemisms. \par If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. \par Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. \par Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. \par Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. \par Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. \par \par I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. \par \par Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me. \par \par Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. \par \par Procrastinate now! \par \par I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating. \par \par Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions? \par Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions? \par \par What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow. \par \par A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription: \par "When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here." \par \par In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden \par rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat. \par \par "Have you lived in this village all your life?" \par "No, not yet." \par \par "Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?" \par "We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago." \par \par "Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!" \par \par "Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?" \par "Umm... I don't remember!" \par \par Overheard in hotel: \par "It's eight o'clock, sir!" \par "Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?" \par \par Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. \par Ashleigh Brilliant \par \par There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. \par Salvador Dali \par \par Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. \par \par Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly \par good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. \par Mark Twain \par \par I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground. \par \par Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer: \par \par Quick as a flashlight. \par \par It rolled off my back like a duck. \par \par (When told his son was getting married) \par Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. \par \par A hospital is no place to be sick. \par \par Our comedies are not to be laughed at. \par \par I can give you a definite perhaps. \par \par (when told a script was full of old cliches) \par Let's have some new cliches. \par \par ("You say you've never mad a picture before?") \par Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. \par \par Gentleman, include me out. \par \par A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on. \par \par I can tell you in two words: im possible. \par \par (on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him) \par Why did you do that ? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam! \par \par I paid too much for it, but its worth it. \par \par Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. \par \par I read part of it all the way through. \par \par If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. \par \par I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. \par \par Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. \par \par Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do? \par Associate: Modern dancing. \par Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned. \par \par I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after \par they're dead. \par \par Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no \par longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all \par records before 1945? \par Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. \par \par Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. \par \par (on a film set of a tenement) \par Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? \par Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. \par Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look \par better than an ordinary slum. \par \par Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. \par \par That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays \par the golden egg. \par \par Keep a stiff upper chin. \par \par We have all passed a lot of water since then. \par \par ... we have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the resevoir. \par \par (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") \par Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? \par Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. \par Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. \par \par Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. \par \par Associate : Its to caustic for film. \par Goldwyn : To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. \par \par More sample and analysis (including a collection of visuals) can be \par found in "More on Oxymoron" by Patrick Hughes, 1983, Penguin books. \par \par \par -- \par Brendan Kehoe \par -- \par Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA \par Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. \par \par I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. \par \par \par \par }