The Redneck Night Before Christmas
It was the night before Christmas, when
all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even
Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space
heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas
and beer.
The kids was alseep in their NASCAR
pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies,
and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in
my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.
Then out in the vacent lot I heard such
a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally
got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the
window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for
Blue.
The moon was shinin' down on my okld
wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty
old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking
eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin'
through the sky!
Faster'n Ole Ironhead is possums they
came
And he whooped and hollered and called
'em by name:
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails
Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me
Duchess and Bud!
To the top of the satellite dish! To
the top of the shed!
Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out
the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car
goes by,
There's all this dirt flies up into
the sky?
Thats how this crew went staight on
up to my roof
With that pickup full of toys, a real
nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I
heard up on the tin
The scrabbling around of them Flying
possums of his'n.
I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts...
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet
And I had to give him credit h-he still
had most his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard
sale slung on his back-
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eye took in our humble home:
The furniture we bought on layaway in
town...
Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire... and
license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening
tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene,
a snorin'in her chair.
He kindly favored Harnk, Jr., with a
big round belly
That shook when he laughed like a blob
of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out
our whole Large screem TV,
And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause
he looked just like me!
When he winked his eye I knew fer sure
he's treat us right-
Why, he might even leave me some ammo
tonight!
I sood there dreamin' of whitetail while
I watched him work,
Then he stopped and, like a real man,
let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's with Moon
Pies and bottle rockets,
Then squoze up that dryer vent like
spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on
the horn-I'm not lying'!
And they took off like white lightnin'
with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heard him holler as headed for
the 7-11....
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND MAY
ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"
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