The Night Before Christmas - Rated R
Twas the night befor Christmas, and
God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife
was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone
off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook
or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached
for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such
a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went
dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played
with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman
we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up
to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey
reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of
the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as
a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't
sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid,
woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut
off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't
hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta
go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the
tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up
on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such
a clatter,
As each little reindeer no emptied his
bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my
ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with
a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume
galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled
like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with
a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just
stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself
poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed
in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with
glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to
his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his
sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some
new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair
of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis
that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's
next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible
kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't
even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types
of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a
coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa
will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll
just split."
He filled every stocking and then took
his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under
his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet
were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind
instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of
his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph. This
night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard
Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't
wear it out!!"
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