Van Helsing
RATING: 5/10

Review Date:        May 8, 2004
Director:             Stephen Sommers
Writers:              Stephen Sommers
Actors:                Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing
                           Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious
                           Richard Roxbourgh as Count Dracula
Audience of Choice:                 Action/Adventure
Year of Release:  2004

STORYLINE: During the late 19th century, famed monster hunter Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) heads to Eastern Europe to battle with Count Dracula (Roxburgh), the Wolf Man (Kemp), and Frankenstein's Monster (Hensley). By his side is the ravishing Anna (Beckinsale), a member of a family committed to ridding the world of evil.

MY REVIEW: Before I go on about how many problems this movie has and why it's terribly made, etc, I just want to point out that it doesn't take itself very seriously......at all! In fact, this is probably the first summer-movie getaway, albeit you have to lose half your braincells while watching it. This is a, suffice to say, "dumb" movie. I mean, I don't want to sound harsh but....oh wait, yes I do. This is a retarded movie! The script is so bad that at points of the film I kept muttering "Oh my fucking God" and at others "Don't say it..." Of course, what followed this comment was "Shit, he/she fucking said it." Yes, it's a proud day to be a TV watcher. If you don't like anything that has plot or substance with simply non-stop action and so much CGI that your head will explode, then Van Helsing is for you! It grabs you, pulls you into the B-movie campiness, and doesn't let go for it's shockingly long running time. A movie that only has action and nothing else does not deserve to be 132 minutes long.

     Even with these complaints (and the many more that are about to follow), there was enough in this movie not to warrant it a rating of "3" or "4". Since it DOESN'T take itself seriously, it's really easy to just except the ridiculous shit that keeps happening, while at other times it's really, really hard. I wanted to throw a freakin' watermellon at the script-writer, and then another one at Sommers for leaving the clip in the movie. (I just realized how hard it is to seperate the complaints I have with this movie away from the compliments) The one main thing I can give it is that if you just let yourself go, and hang on for the dizzying ride, you will see that this movie has the fun-factor going for it. No doubt about it, it's a fun movie. Even laughing at it is fun, and considering that all this movie needs is to be fun, I give it a "5", as opposed to something much more disgraceful.

     Now back to the many complaints I have......so very many. I absolutely hated Roxbourgh as Dracula....everything about him made me cringe. Worst Dracula ever! His awful accent, the over-the-top performance, and, even though it isn't his fault, his dialogue. I tried to get into it and just laugh, which I started to do (laughing that is), but it was still simply atrocious. The lady vampires were also horribly irritating. I literally wanted to go into the movie and kill them off myself. The thought kept going through my head, "stab...stab....stab...." Once you see the movie, you'll get my meaning. Ugh....I'm done. The movie is fun, and that's all it really needs, but in the end, it's so badly made and written, it becomes hard to like. By the way, the monster mashing goodness is definetely a plus. We get the Wolfman, Frankenstein's Monster, Igor, (of course) Dracula, lotsa dumb looking vampires, and even the best of all, a surprise visit from Mr. Hyde! Yay. I liked him the best personally, which is unfortunate since he has such a short appearance. Anyways, wrapping this up, if you are up for a mile-a-minute action adventure with an atrocious script and no substance, see this movie! You don't know what your brain is missing....or better yet, will be missing.

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