Formula one

The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young black guys from Soweto. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how young Sowetans could take of a car's tyres within 6 seconds, without proper equipment.

Ferrari soon realized their flaw.

The young men did not only change the tyres in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacLaren team.

***************

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.' 

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?' 

Adam says: 'Yes.' 

'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention: 

1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.'

'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.' 

********

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. 

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" 

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." 

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" 

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. 

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. 

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" 

*********

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. 

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. 

First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring, and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. Four hundred bucks for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." 

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring, and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. Three hundred for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." 

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving, the contractor says, "$2,700." 

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" 

"Easy," says the contractor from New York. "A thousand for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

**********

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a
handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my Mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." 

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so." 

***********

MAN SUFFOCATES UNDER 200 LBS OF PACHYDERM POOP! 

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! 

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes-a billion-to-one shot, at least." 

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African
elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty. "Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe
constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. 

"I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control." 

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. Laxatives caused Stefan to unleash an outpouring of poop, burying his trainer alive. "I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very
dangerous activity-and not something that should be attempted alone." 

******

Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have
married. 

A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what
he was doing. He said, "I've counted these things 3 times now. Ma! I think I'm having a wife! 

Speaking of ribs (I was). Guys, the next time your wife beats you in an argument, look at her evenly and calmly say, "Ya know...sometimes I think I'd rather have my rib back." 

God was wise in making Adam first. Had He made Eve first, He'd still be "fixing things" Eve wanted changed in man.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the aple on the tree that go us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground. 

Just think. When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear--She meant it! 

********

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. 

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. 

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked. 

"Of course it me," Bob replied. 

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" 

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" 

"Tell me the good news first." 

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." 

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" 

"You're pitching tomorrow night." 

*********