Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wriggled his toes, and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." 

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." 

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. 

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

He looked Heavenward, raised his arms beseechingly, and spoke, "How long, my God, how long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes, and peeing in cokes?"

*********

To Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks

Dear Joe Screwed:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. 

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in
your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support

**************

Push!

A man is in bed with his wife when he hears a rat-a-tat-tat on the  front door. He rolls over, looks at the clock and sees that it's three  o'clock in the morning. "What idiot would be knocking at the door at  this hour?" thinks the man, and he rolls over and tries to go back to sleep. After a few minutes, there's a louder knock on the door. "Aren't you  going to see who it is?" asks his wife, so the man drags himself out  of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to find a stranger  standing outside.
"Eh mate," says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"
"No! Get lost! It's three in the morning. I was sleeping," says the  man and shuts the door.  He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says,  "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way  to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that 
man's door to get him to help us? What would have happened if he'd  told us to 'get lost'?"
So the man gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he  shouts, "Hey. Do you still want a push?"
A voice cries out, "Yes please, mate."
So, still being unable to see the stranger the man shouts, "Where are  you?"
"I'm over here on the swings."

**********

--- Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex ---

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don`t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Its OK when the person you`re with fantasizes you`re someone 
else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you`ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don`t get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn`t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.

and...

1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!

*******

--- The Voice ---

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Damn."

***********

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever." 

Later, the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last."

********

The Pope was touring South Africa and took out a couple of days from his  itinerary to visit the wild outdoors for an impromptu safari. Deep into  his visit as his 4WD Popemobile (Luckily not a Toyota) was driving alongside a river, he heard some splashing up ahead. As he drew closer, the Pope observed in the river a black man struggling frantically with a crocodile who had grasped the  poor guy in its powerful jaws  At that moment a speedboat roared into view from around the river bend 
containing three white South Africans. As the speedboat neared the desperate scene, one of them took aim and fired a harpoon into the crocodile's hide. Then the other two pulled the man from the jaws of the crocodile and using long clubs, beat the crocodile to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man onto the speedboat, as well as the dead croc and then approached the riverbank. The Pope was impressed by what he had witnessed so he went up to greet them. He said "I give you my blessings for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide South Africa's community but now I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model for other nations to follow. 
"As the Popemobile drove off, the harpoonist asked the others: "Who was   that?" One of the men answered: "That was his holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."  The harpoonist replied "Well, he knows bugger all about crocodile hunting!
What condition is the bait in?" 

**************

The Married Man's Score Board
-----------------------------

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties
-------------
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners
with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
------------------
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
------------
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals
--------------------------
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
--------------------------------
* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

Driving
-------
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
-------------
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

***********

Bad Luck
--------
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert
island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and one day noticed a bottle
lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle,
he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

**********

--- "They stole everything!" ---

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.  "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

*********

--- Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work ---

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross". 
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

*********

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen". 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. 

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." 

********

