A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. 

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

**********

No Date
-------
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

*********

Kids advice to other kids... 
---------------------------- 
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10 

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9 

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working. " Michael, 14 

"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9 

"Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13

"Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13 

"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, 10 

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. " Taylia,11 

"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14 

"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. " Mitchell,12

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. " Kyoyo, 9 

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. " Armir, 9 

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. " Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. " Naomi, 15 

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. " Joel,10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, 13 

"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8 

*******

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. 

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to enwrap their 'dogs.' 

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

**********

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section for Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled "Choppy Skies - A white-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange

"Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-sizejetliner was clearly  one that no one else had wanted.

Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilot's voice came over he loudspeaker. 'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen. However, we've been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived. Since we've already waited so long, we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.'

There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, 'If any of you feel uncomfortable with  this, feel free to disembark now and AirZimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused. 'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems.'

No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so they stayed onboard for the one-hour flight. Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just don't want you to worry.' That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom.

Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence.  Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud 'ping!' and went sailing down the aisle.  The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. 

When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what  as wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldn't budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit. Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorist from entering. Without a copilot, there was no
one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do?

After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him.

Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a little shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight.!

*************

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man. One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who  appeared to be great, so she figured, what the hell, she'd go for it.

So Mary asked the fellow to come home with her. When the two  got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the black about her fantasy,  and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the black man, agreed, 
so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. Mary said, "OK, first, I  want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!"

So the black guy did so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy and said, "Now,  big boy, do what you do best!" So the black guy picked up her TV, 
Jewelry, VCR and left in her car.

***********

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. 

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. 

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" 

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." 

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you....you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No." 

"No?" asked the rescuer. 

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke." 

*********

When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. 

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. 

Top management discusses golf. 

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

*********

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. 
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills 
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. 
Bad : He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He Looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. 
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter 
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. 
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want. 
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman

Good: You came home for a quickie 
Bad: The postman had the same idea 
Worse: There's 5 guys in line.

********

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. 

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." 

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." 

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." 

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. 

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." 

************

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" 

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. 

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

************

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. 

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. 

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. 

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. 

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, nad glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." 

**********

A senior citizen goes to confession and says to the priest, Father I'm almost 80 years old, married, have two kids and five grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two gorgeous 20 year olds. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said, Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession? 

Never, Father, I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me? 

I'm telling everybody!!!! 

*********

Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men

50 Distinctive Things about Men, by Rita Rudner

1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 
2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 
3.If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. 
4.Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 
5.Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 
6.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 
7.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 
8.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during playoff season. 
9.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 
10.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 
11.All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 
12.The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 
13.Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 
14.Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 
15.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
16.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 
17.Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address  book, telescope and piano. 
18.All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 
19.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 
20.Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 
21.All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 
22.Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 
23.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 
24.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 
25.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my Gosh, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 
26.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 
27.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 
28.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 
29.Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 
30.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 
31.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 
32.When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 
33.Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 
34.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 
35.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 
36.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 
37.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 
38.Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 
39.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 
40.Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 
41.Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 
42.Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 
43.Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 
44.Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 
45.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 
46.When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has  shrunk. 
47.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 
48.Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 
49.Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 
50.All men would still really like to own a train set. 

