If you kill your manager, you go to jail... Prison Vs. Work 

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. 
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. 

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. 
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. 

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. 
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. 
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. 
AT WORK you have to share. 

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. 
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. 

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. 

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. 
AT WORK they are called managers.

***********

Shane Warne was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the cricketer if he would like to lead the class in the 
discussion of the word "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, "My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the
street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy." "No," said Warne, "That would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a
high cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not," said the bowler. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an
answer. Warne searched the room; "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If the plane, carrying you and Mrs. Warne were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," said Shane. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.

*********

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: because they go and answer the door. 

********

30 Ways To Cope With Stress
---------------------------
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have  other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to  pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them  from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the  natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they`re in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. 
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
28. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublimal messages.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.

************

Oral Sex
--------
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." 

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She
moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.  When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. 

"How did you get in here?" he asked. 
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

*************

Injury on duty???
----------

Dear Sir

My foreman, baas Martin, hy het yours truly Philemon Naxasu instruction gagee om one hundred bakstene poste haste van die fourth floor na die ground floor te transport.

Nou ekka het gavat die groot builder's bucked en met 'n tou wat  by die pully loop by die fifth floor die bucket gatrek tot lappe side  die fourth floor en toe ek het vasgemaak daai tou by die pen op
eie grond.

 Nou ek het galaai die one hundred bakstene deur die venster by die bucket en toe afgaloop na die ground floor en losgamaak die  tou.

Nou die bucket hy het gaweeg banja meer as ekka Philemon, but  no wishing to damage baas Martin se goods, ekka het vasgehou die  tou.

Nou die bucket het afgakom at one hellawa speed en Philemon, hy gaan op at same hellawa speed  en halfway die two meet.

Nou die bucket hy slat my one time for better of worse maar wat  hou is Philemon en soos die bucket verder val so ekke gaan  verder op totdat my arms entangle word by daai pully.

At the same time the bucket hy slat die grond met such a velocity dat die bottom van die bucket skoon uitbreek en die bakstene scatter almal damaged all over the place. Nou ek, Philemon,  hy weeg swaarder as die bucket en soos ekke gaan af so die bucket hy kom op.

Once more time the bucket hy slat my outta my skull en verder ek  val tot op die stukkende bakstene - and too much pain. Nou dit was  more or less approximately op daardie stage dat ek moes leave of my  senses gevat het, want soos ekke sit tussen die stukkende bakstene  ekka los die tou.

Nou hy die bucket weeg swaarder as die tou en soos die bucket  hy kom af, hy crash op Philemon en breek alles wat op daardie stage  nog nie gebreek was nie.

I respectfully request sick leave.


PHILEMON

************

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was  heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. 

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial,  he wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? 

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

***********

NEWS-NEWS-NEWS
After all these years trying to find out the real origin of Jesus, peruvian researchers have came up with the conclusion that:

Jesus was Peruvian!!

Several other different countries have claimed Jesus' origin but scholars arrived to this conclusion after a body of evidence indicated conclusively that he was originally from Peru.
The following are some of the reasons presented for other scholars that desagreed with the findings :

Jewish origin:
1) Worked in his Dad's bussiness
2) Lived with his parents 'til he was 33
3) He was convinced his mother was a virgin, and she was convinced that he was God

Irish origin:
1) He never married
2) Couldn't keep a job for long time
3) His last wish was a drink

Portorrican:
1) His first name was Jesus
2) He was always in trouble with the law
3) His mother didn't know who his father's was

Italian:
1) Frequent movement of the hands during his speaches
2) Drinking wine with all meals
3) Work in the construction bussiness

African-American:
1) Adressed everyone as 'brother'
2) Didn't have a permanent address
3) Nobody contracted his services

>From California:
1) Never had a haircut
2) Did not like to wear shoes
3) Formed a new religion

Finally:

Peruvian:
1) Was convicted while the real thief was acquitted
2) When he was found dead was wearing only underwear
3) When his relatives went to visit his grave they found it completely empty
4) Was baptized by a close relative
5) Didn't pay taxes
6) Was very kind with prostitutes
7) In the last supper with his friends he didn't pay the bill
8) Was capable of materializing alcohol in a party where there was only water
9) He always had an explanation for everything
10) Never had a dime in his pockets

*********

Love is in the air
------------------
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch remembering good times. 
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri
you are not so old remember ze young love, ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."  "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " 
To which Pierre replied; "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!."

***********

Top-Ten Psycho pick-up lines
----------------------------
11.Wanna swap meds?
10.Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?
9. Can I buy you a spatula?
8. Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?
7. Your crawlspace or mine?
6. You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.
5. May I lick your forehead?
4. Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?
3. Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
2. What's your favorite flavor of wood?

And the number one Psycho pick-up line is..........

1. You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three
more back home in the freezer!

********

Climbing efforts
----------------
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

**************

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, 
when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a 
genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a  Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 
"OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" 
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

*********

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out as, "You bitch, you're ruining my life!" 
