Unlikely Marriages 

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty. 

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono,she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. 

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali,she'd be Dolly Dali. 

If Bo Derek married Don Ho,she'd be Bo Ho. 

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra,she'd be Oprah Chopra. 

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg,(hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. 

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton,then divorced him to marry  Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. 

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry  Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. 

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. 

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married  Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. 

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg  Pooh. 

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. 

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. 

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare. 

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. 

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. 

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur. 

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

***************

BLOND JOKES!!!

What do you call an eternity?
Four dumb Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do dumb Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three dumb Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the dumb Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the dumb Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do dumb blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a dumb Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't dumb Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a dumb Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a dumb Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't dumb Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A dumb Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where,where?"

How do you drown a stupid Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a stupid Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the dumb blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the dumb blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the dumb blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a dumb blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

NO OFFENCE TO ANY BLONDS!!

***********

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard... 
She did not recognize them... 
She said "I dont think I know you, but you must be hungry... Please come inand have something to eat"... 
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. 
"No", she said. "He's out"... 
Then we cannot come in", they replied...
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened..
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in... "
The woman went out and invited the men in... 
"We don't go into a house together", they replied...
"Why is that?" she wanted to know..
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth.." he said pointing toone of his friends...and said pointing to another one, "He is Success and I am Love".. Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."...

The woman went in and told her husband what was said...
Her husband was overjoyed... "How nice", he said!!... "Since that is the
case, let us invite Wealth... Let him come and fill our home with wealth"....
His wife disagreed..."My dear, why don't we invite Success"?.....
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house..
She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to inviteLove..Our home will be filled with love"... 
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice", said the husband to hiswife..."Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?
Please come in and be our guest." 
Love got up and started walking toward the house... 
The other 2 also got up and followed him... 
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, why are you coming in?" 
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success the other two of us would've stayed out..but since you invited Love, wherever he goes we go with him... Wherever there is Love there is also wealth and success!!!!!!"

********************

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"

Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"

Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

************

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend. 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot." 

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." 

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. " 

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." 

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." 

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." 

Guy offers 20 beans and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's ineresting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Guy is delighted. 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, " says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." 

"What?" says the guy. "What?" 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." 

"What happened then?" asks the guy. 

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?" 

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down...."

The parrot pauses for a long time. 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. 

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch." 

***********

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall it's series of
stamps depicting famous lawyers ? 

A. People were confused about which side to spit on.

************

Top 10 Reasons Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman 
----------------------------------------------------------

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 

9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 

6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 

4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 

3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 

2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. 

1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

************

There was a doctor who prescribed sex for his patients with insomnia. 

The patients didn't get more sleep, but they had a lot more fun staying awake.

*******

Secret Win95 Error Codes Revealed
---------------------------------
Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Only God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available.

WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WinErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong.

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - Send $200 to Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error - You have been attempting to run this on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough. 

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.

******************

Advertising Defenitions
-----------------------
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as heck.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

*************

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Texas recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Cochran what he was doing on his property.

"Retrieving this duck I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized whom he was talking to.

"No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. 

"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Texas the only law we go by is the 'Three Kicks' law."

"Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you three times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back three times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

