Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, 
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and 
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the 
turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, 
everyone's whipped.Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. 
He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle 
opener."I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you 
packed it.'Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho.
'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles 
away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home 
and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat 
everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, 
the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their 
great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days 
pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a 
promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a 
promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in 
sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a 
hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to 
the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, 
get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that 
instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm 
not going.'

***************

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St.Peter 
and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we come in?" "No no" said 
St. Peter "It's not that simple. These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven." 
"O.K." said the nuns, "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven." 

So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" The first nun said, 
"That's an easy one. Adam." bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. 
Right answer. She gets in. 

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun said, 
"That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. 

St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" 
The third nun says "That's a hard one . . ." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping.

***************

A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are accused of 
killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you
plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. 

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!". 
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. 

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of 
killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead". "Guilty", 
said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted "You dirty rotten stinking rat". 
At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, 
if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. 
I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to
the man in the dock". 

He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied "I can understand your 
feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "No, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if 
I could borrow a hammer, and on both occasions he said he didn't have one".

***************

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo
(Mexican President) are at an International
Summit meeting in Paris.
They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks
" L'apperitif?" All of them answer "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo. "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin. "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton.
"Le whisky?" Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH"

***************

Christopher Maddock wrote:

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment 
AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and aMichael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer
and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT 
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: 
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO 
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

The most important trait to have is sincerity.
And when you can fake that, you've got it made!

***************

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business 
when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!--
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, 
"That was a karate chop from Korea." 

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking 
again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... 
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. 

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. 
Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- 
bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, 
tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

***************

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. 
They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with 
a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the woman in front of him 
and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, 
made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received 
a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will 
go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny and his 
embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny 
stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's 
mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. 
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to 
emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, 
"Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

***************

142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the same order 
but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:
142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142

Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7.

***************

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he 
explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, 
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the 
professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive 
can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

***************

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. 

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will 
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear
Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY
rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

***************

Oh Boy.... What's the world coming to?Reported to 
be actual answers to Sixth Grade History tests:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the 
first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's 
son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made 
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on 
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached  Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred  porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without 
them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving  people advice. 
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After 
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages 
was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success.When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 
"hurrah."

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Anotherimportant invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical 
figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir 
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are anexample of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
DonkeyHote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim'sProgress. 
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. 
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. 
Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration 
of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards 
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead.

24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted  to secure domestic hostility. 
Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career. 

26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in 
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was 
so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when 
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this.

29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and 
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who
practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of 
the Marx brothers.






