A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He 
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and 
the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the 
airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the 
casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to 
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card 
numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and was 
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain 
his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. 
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the 
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of 
cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was 
down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he 
could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. 
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride 
to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how 
much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and 
asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the fifth line, he got in 
and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went.
As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave 
a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

****************

10 Signs That You've Had Too Much of the '90s:

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a Web page.

Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college
roommate used to play that you most despised.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.

****************

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis. 
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that 
damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

****************

NASA decides to send the first manned mission to Mars. After months of 
training they pick the astronaut to do the mission. The astronauts 
name was Dick. The night before take off he absolutely craps himself. 
He tells his wife that he is so frightened that there is no way he is 
going on the mission. The wife calms him down and says to him, "Don't 
worry Dick, I'll go in your place". Somehow she manages to sneak past 
the mission attendants without any one realizing that "HE" is really a 
"SHE" and gets into the rocket. 30 seconds after take off the rocket 
explodes and crashes into the sea.
A rescue mission is sent out and miraculously they find the mangled 
body of the, still alive, but unconscious female astronaut. Two days 
later she starts coming around in her hospital room and she can feel a 
pair of doctors hands pummeling away at her tits. "Dick, Dick where's 
my Dick", she cries. The doctor says, "Never mind about your dick we 
are still trying to get your buttocks back in place".

****************

A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a 
woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it !"
The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, 
finished watching the movie, & decided to try what he had just 
witnessed on the girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her 
house, found that her parents weren't home from work yet, and ripped 
off her blouse; then said, "I want what I want when I want it !"
The girl stared at him and cooly replied... "You'll get what I got 
when I get it !"

****************

Especially for all the men who could never work their woman out!!!!!!
I'm afraid it's universal!!!!!!!

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now.
One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few,
then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective
houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't
say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going
so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could
talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit
funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether
it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm
not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I
love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know
what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off
me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say

I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me
and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards
I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks
anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great shag later.

****************

Just after Lorenna Bobit brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped 
into her car and sped away. On here way down the highway, holding her
husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. 
She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. 

Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross 
right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their
windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. 

About 3 miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said 
"Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?" 

****************

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why 
she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." 

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for
birth control pills?" 

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." 

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth 
control pills help you to sleep?" 

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." 

****************

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the previous
bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the
customer. The collections manager made the call and left left a
voice-mail
for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last
one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from
the
customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

****************

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson
looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on
the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry
about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and
began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

****************

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem
you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."The doctor
replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is
greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.

Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.

Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe
the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient,
"I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now
what seems to be the problem? "

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

****************

A couple of months after Custers famous "Last Stand", his wife decided she 
wantd an artist to depict what her husbands final thoughts were as he was 
slaughtered by the indians. 

After a couple of weeks passed, the artist brought the finished painting to Mrs. Custer. 
She looked at it, and was puzzled. It was a painting of a golden cow and a bunch of 
indians having sex. She then said to the artist, "This isn't what he was thinking of. 
He was thinking about me and the rest of the family." 

The artist answered her, "No he wasn't. He was thinking holy cow, 
where did all these f**kn' indians come from?

****************

Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes 
and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, 
but all he can hear from the next room is, "One, two, three, huh!" and this goes on all night. 

The next morning, the second dwarf asks, "So, how did it go?" 

The first dwarf replies, "Shit I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?" 

The second dwarf turns round and replies, "Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed."

****************

An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: 
"Dad, how do us Indians get our names?"

"It's very simple," replies the chief, "your brother was born by a river, 
so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morining, 
so we call him Rising Sun." 

"Why do you ask Broken Rubber ? "

****************

A man wants to hv a WIFE because she can make his life :
W : WONDERFUL
I : INTERESTING
F : FASCINATING
E : EXTRAORDINARY

But a woman will hv to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because he might be :
H : HOPELESS
U : UNACCOUNTABLE
S : SENSELESS
B : BORING
A : AUTHORITATIVE
N : NUISANCE
D : DISCRIMINATIVE

Why does a man wants to have a WIFE ?
Because :
W : Washing
I : Ironing
F : Food
E : Entertainment

Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND ?
Because :
H : Housing
U : Understanding
S : Sharing
B : Buying
A : and
N : Never
D : Demanding

****************

A cannibal was looking to feed their family but didn't have anything nice to eat in the house. 
So they popped out to do some shopping.
Getting to the butchers they saw a sign offering brains for sale. 
Not having had brain for a while they looked at the listed prices.

Physicists Brain #1/kg
Mathematicians Brain #2/kg
Engineers Brain #3/kg
Chemists Brain #10/kg

Knowing that chemists brain was the family favourite they asked the butcher 
why it was so expensive.

The butcher replied " It takes a lot of chemists to get 1kg of brain." 

****************

Luigi comes to America and succeeds in becoming a millionaire.
One day Luigi says to himself: "Luigi,you;re an intelligent boy,you make 
a million in America,now you;re gonna make one woman happy". 

So he has his picture taken in the nude,in the buff,naked.When he views 
the proofs,he exclaims, "Luigi,you're an intelligent boy who make a 
million in America,Im gonna make two women happy."

He cuts the picture in half."I'm gonna send the top half to my Mamma,
and the bottom half to my girlfriend. In addressing and sealing the envelopes
he gets the pictures mixed;the top half goes to his girlfriend ,the bottom half to his ageing mother.
His girlfriend receives her letter and exclaims while gazing at her half of the picture 
"That's my Luigi,handsome Italian boy,make a million in America" 

His mother on the other hand receives her letter and bottom portion of the nude photo.
Now wearing bifocals,and gazing intently while examining the
photo at various distances, she finally exclaims,"That's my Luigi,
handsome Italian boy. Long nose,baggy eyes,and no shave for a week!" 

